Every day is a Sonday 2…

Once when I ended a theological argument with the sweeping statement, “God can do everything,” my son mischievously said, “God can’t do one thing, which man can do.”
“What’s that wise guy,” I asked.
“Pray to God,” he answered smugly.
When I gave him a blank look, he continued, “We can pray to God can’t we? But I don’t think God can pray to himself!”

***

My son has a priceless concept of Action Replays in real life. Anything you missed him doing or he did in school is enacted out in a painstakingly slow action replay from different angles.
Once when he was playing cricket with his friends and batting, an argument broke out on whether the ball had hit the stumps or not. “Wait,” he told his friends, “let me show you the action replay.” He did such a convincing action replay of the ball just missing the stumps by a whisker, that his friends actually believed him and he was declared not out unanimously.

***

He made me find out on the Net the name of the largest dinosaur that ever walked on this planet. When I told him, he ran to his mother and said, “Jaldi khana do, mere pet main sauroposeidons daud rahe hain!” (Give me food fast, there are sauroposeidons running in my stomach!)

***
I was watching a song of Rajesh Khanna and Sharmila Tagore, when my son asked, “Who are these people?” I told him that one was Akshay Kumar’s father-in-law and the other was Saif Ali Khan’s mother. He looked at me and said incredulously, “No way!” He doesn’t understand how that can be possible. But after that day, every old movie is starring Kareena Kapoor’s grandfather or Sunny Deol’s father or Ranbir Kapoor’s mother… If a yesteryear’s star is not related to one in today’s Bollywood world, he finds that pretty odd.

***

After I explained him all about cloning, the only thing he said was, “When I was born, why didn’t you make a clone of me? He could have done my homework while I could play all the time!”

***

© Sunil Rajguru

What’s on my mind?

Don’t know.

Can’t tell.

Don’t want to tell.

Do you want to know?

Does anyone really care?

Is there any point of what’s on my mind going out into cyberspace?

I don’t have a mind

I don’t mind!

Do you mind???!!!???

Do I even know my own mind?

Off Limits.

Private!

Keep Out!

Telling you hasn’t crossed my mind yet.

I would rather give you a piece of my mind.

Nice Bollywood song!

Yeah, you’d “Like” that wouldn’t you?

First you tell me, what’s on your mind?

I have half a mind to…

Never Mind!

Bottomline: We are all out of one’s minds to tell the whole world what’s on our mind!

© Sunil Rajguru

Short Takes February 2010

· All Hail to Holi: The Festival of Equality. Everyone looks the same today.

(February 28)

· If there is such a thing as Colour Pollution, then Holi is it.

(February 27)

· India’s numerous victories are leading to more injuries. Just look at the players jumping on to each other and lifting up each other after every win!

(February 26)

· Why FB beats Twitter: I can put 200 exclamation marks:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!

· Sachin tum Sau nahin Do Sau saal jiyo!

· Sachin Ramesh Doubletondulkar

· Dear Twitter, for today, please allow 200 characters per message :)

· Actually it was just a Sau Sau innings

· Nightmare thought. What if Dhoni had hit 6 boundaries in the last over!

· Watching live on TV at home!!! Power returned when he was on 196! #wherewereuatsachin200?

· 200dulkar!

(February 24)

· Ad: Phir dil do hockey ko… Reality: Phir paisa do hockey players ko…

(February 19)

· Protest against Pak players. SRK protests. Protest against Aussie players. Protest against Andhra venues. Protest against Modi. Media houses protesting. Orissa venues protest… IPL = Indian Protestors League

· The ODI WC Final is a Destination. Once you win that, you stay for 4 years. The Test No. 1 Spot on the other hand is a Journey. So let’s hope the Indian Journey is Long & Memorable.

· Dhoni’s Test average as Captain is 72. (ODI average as Captain 59) Usually when an Indian player becomes a captain, we lose a good batsman. In this case, we gained one.

· Why we won: SA treated this match like a Test WC Final. So then they promptly went ahead and did what they are best at: Choking. OK, Just Joking. India’s Rocking. So is Amla.

· An eye for an eye, an innings defeat for an innings defeat…

(February 18)

· Rain rain go Away, Come again another Day, Little India wants to Stay (No. 1)

(February 17)

· The Sehwag Doctrine: Test match ho ya One-Day, Roz maaro chakke…

(February 15)

· No update for some time Reason #2343: Someone threw garbage and burnt it near the BSNL cable, which melted and had to be replaced. Silicon Valley, India, circa 2010

(February 13)

· My Name is 24-Hour Coverage

(February 12)

· From now on a new breed of VVIPs will be given extra security. VVIP= Very Very Important Picture (Is there any policing left for the common man?)

· Raj to Uddhav: I protested Amitabh, you SRK. Amitabh > SRK, therefore, I > You, Hence proved

· Buzzing In The Wind: How many social networking roads must a man walk down, before he turns totally insane?

(February 11)

· How many more Plastic Surgeries on the Face of Facebook? I won’t be able to recognize it any more.

(February 10)

· Next directive from Aussie Cops for Indian Students: Please use Fair & Lovely regularly to blend in with the locals. Thank You!

(February 8 )

· Raj took away the spotlight from Bal. Udhav took the spotlight away from Raj. And they all took the spotlight away from the real issues of Maharashtra.

(February 5)

· Coming Soon: Indo-Pak Talks Part 345. Next Change: Talks Collapse Part 345. Then a Storm and a Lull, More Talks, Another Break… ad infinitum…

(February 4)

· In India, People are bent on making the Tigers extinct. In Maharashtra, the Tigers are bent on making all the Other People extinct.

(February 2)

· IPCC = Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Controversies

· Don’t the Tigers know that the Pakistani Cricketer is already on the Endangered Species list? Best to leave them alone.

· With the way it’s been going for the last couple of years, he should change his name to: My Name is Controversy

(February 1)

© Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 10

• Live every day as if it’s your last?
If I thought today was my last day, then I’d empty my bank balance and splurge, tell the world to go to hell (maybe even punch some enemies in the face)…
Then where would that leave me when I got up tomorrow and found that I wasn’t dead?

• “Oh God! Please make me a millionaire!” is a very dangerous prayer. You might go bankrupt and be left with just ten thousand Rupees. That’s a million paisa, ain’t it?

• If you are a bad boss, then never work from home or for yourself. You’ll only end up making your life miserable. For then you’ll be your own boss.

• I’ve got a sore wrist and aching fingers from watching bad TV.
(There are almost 200 channels and the battery of the remote is low!)

• The Sex God gives too much to too few and too little to too many.

© Sunil Rajguru

Overheard 2…

First Voice: Namaste Mayaji. Kaise ho? Aaj kal dikahi aur sunai nahin dete ho. Media wale aapko bhool gaye kya. Haha.
Second Voice: Dikhai to aap bhi nahin dete Mulayamji! Sab jagah Amarji chaye hue hain. Aur woh na aapke party ke hain na mere. Hahaha.
Faint Third Voice: Hahahahahahahahaha…
First voice: Arre ye kiski awaaz hain? Ye to Rahul lage rahe hain! Mayaji, aapka phone kahin tap to nahin ho raha hain…

***

Sachin: Oh God! I thank you for all that you are giving me…
God: But I am very upset.
Sachin: Aila! Is that Deva re Deva? But what have I done?
God: I am suing you for copyright infringement!
Sachin: Kai mahantat tumhi deva…
God: You have heard of the phrase: Sachin is God?
Sachin: Yes, but…
God: Well, I used to hear it a few hundred times at max, but after it became a trending topic, I hear it a few million times a day, that is way beyond permissible limits…
Sachin: Aila! Me kai kelo… it’s my fans… they are infringing copyright… I am just going out and enjoying my game… why does this always happen to me?

***

Raj: Let’s divide Mumbai. I’ll take Amitabh, you take the rest of the Bollywood like SRK. You take Sachin and IPL and I’ll take the rest of cricketing controversies. I’ll take the taxi-drivers and you take the rest of the migrants. You take on Rahulji, I’ll take on Soniaji from now on…
Udhav: But I have already divided Mumbai! I get full Mumbai and you get nothing!

***

Woods: Hello this is Tiger Woods…
First Female Voice: Sorry I am not interested!
Woods: But I was just asking about my bank account!

Woods: Hello this is Tiger Woods…
Second Female Voice: Sorry I am not interested!
Woods: But I was just trying to order a pizza!

Woods: Hello this is Tiger Woods…
Third Female Voice: Sorry I am not interested!
Woods: Forget it!

Woods: Secretary. Remove all the female contacts from my contact list. For some strange reason women don’t want to talk to me anymore. And connect me only to males whenever I want to ask for anything.
(Silence)
Woods: Secretary! Secretary!
(Silence)
Woods: Damn! She’s left just like that! I have to get a good male secretary first!

***

© Sunil Rajguru

How to make a lot out of nothing, Mumbai style…

2008. IPL formed and to invite international stars including those from Pakistan.
Great.
2008. IPL1 features players from Pakistan.
Great.
2009. IPL2 allows players from Pakistan to play but they withdraw due to tensions.
Great.
2010. IPL3 allows auction of Pakistan players but no-one bids for them.
Great.
2010. SRK feels Pakistan players should have played in IPL3.
What? Pakistan players should play in IPL? Sacrilege! Traitor! Nonsense! Humbug!
Protests! Warnings! Extra security! 24X7 News Coverage! Debates!…

1960s: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
1970s: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
1980s: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
1990s: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
2000-07: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
2008: What? The Amitabh who acts in Bollywood movies is actually from UP and lives in Mumbai.
Sacrilege! Traitor! Nonsense! Humbug!
Protests! Warnings! Extra security! 24X7 News Coverage! Debates!…

1950s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
1960s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
1970s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
1980s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
1990s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
2000-07: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
2008: What? So many taxi drivers are in Mumbai are from Bihar and robbing the profession of the locals?
Nonsense! Humbug! Protests! Warnings! Extra security! 24X7 News Coverage! Debates!…

Mumbai is really a city of dreams. If you’re a politician, then you can sit in your office and dream up of “any nothing” and make it happen.

© Sunil Rajguru