If anything bad happened in Gujarat, it is “Modi’s Gujarat”.
If anything bad happens in “Akhilesh’s Uttar Pradesh” or “Mamata’s West Bengal”, it becomes “Modi’s India”.
News headlines…
Sonia gets…
0/100—Boycott news.
1/100—Gains a point!
10/100—Reaches double figures!
30/100—Good effort!
Modi gets…
74/100—Misses distinction!
99/100—Fails to get full marks!
100/100—Sets high expectations for future!
Keeps getting 100—Boycott news.
© Sunil Rajguru
![Photo0029](http://www.sunilrajguru.com/"wp-content/uploads"/2015/10/Photo0029.jpg)
Indian parents move Supreme Court for Diwali cracker ban on behalf of babies.
What if babies grow up and decide to burst crackers wholesale?
Water (Earth) water (Moon) everywhere (Mars)…
(September 30)
Quote…
To be attacked by your enemies means you’re doing something right.
Corollary…
Everybody is right on Twitter.
The irony of Indian Communists screaming Fascist Hitler Modi is that all of them would have been jailed/executed had India indeed been a Communist country.
(September 29)
Kejri baba…
Yesterday…
One-third of MPs are chargesheeted. Bring us to power and we will show you.
Today
One-third AAP MLAs are chargesheeted. Suckers!
(September 25)
Smriti: I will make Swamy JNU VC.
Opposition: Anyone but Swamy!
Smriti: OK done! Now I can hire “anyone”.
(September 24)
Not only does India have Freedom of Speech, but it also has Great Freedom to Talk Great Shit.
Post-Arab Spring…
Egypt: Dictator returns.
Syria: Civil war.
Libya: Anarchy.
Yemen: Civil war.
Iraq: Disintegrating.
Post-2011 August Kranti…
Delhi: Heading to anarchy.
Lokpal: Yet to be appointed.
(September 21)
When he makes charges against his opponents, they’ll say, “Oh! These are all Trumped up charges!”
#2016USPrezPolls
James Bond bikers
+ Roadhog truckers
+ “Mere baap ka road” luxury cars
+ Anachronistic tractors
+ Bewildered cyclists
+ Universal rule breakers
+ 10 million decibels of honking
= The perfect Indian road.
One should be “fair” in life.
Global definition: Free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice.
Indian definition: Of a light hue; not dark: pleasing in appearance; attractive: free from blemish, imperfection, or anything that impairs the appearance, quality, or character.
(September 20)
Next US President…
Bush the Third.
Clinton the Second.
Trump the First.
?
(September 17)
Mahagatbandhan…
Laloo and Mulayam were having a competition, “Who’s the worst CM?”
Nitish said, “Can I participate?”
Laloo said yes and Mulayam walked out in a huff.
West Asia…
We’ll take maximum refugees: Europe.
We’ll take maximum oil: America.
We’ll take maximum money: Its leaders.
We’ll take maximum suffering: Its citizens.
Dharam: Basanti, in kutto ke saamne mat naachna!
Somnath: Kutte, in bandho ke saamne mat kaatna!
If Somnath’s dog ate Indrani’s sandwich, it would become biggest story of 2015.
(September 16)
South China Sea ours as it’s got China in it: Chinese official.
Indians: OK!
Remember…
South China Sea = 3.5 million sq km.
Indian Ocean = 73.5 million sq km.
(September 15)
Pappu is a bowler who can bowl hundreds of balls.
Modi is a batsman who we declared out first ball.
Why is he still batting?
—Adarsh Liberals.
Trolls also get trolled as do trolls of trolls as on Twitter each and every account is a Troll according to at least one other account.
2004-14…
Sonia gets 0/10.
Adarsh liberals: OK.
2014…
Adarsh liberals: Modi should get 10/10.
2015…
Adarsh liberals: Modi got 9/10, way below expectations!
(September 9)
If Pakistan says Kashmir is disputed, India should say no, it’s actually Balochistan.
If China says Arunachal is disputed, India should say no, it’s actually Tibet and Taiwan.
News from India…
For serious stuff, watch BBC, CNN, Al Jazeera…
For meaningless trivia, watch NDTV, CNN-IBN, Times Now…
Definition of Broadband…
PM (Pre-Modi)…
2005-14—256kbps.
AM (After-Modi)…
2014—512kbps.
2015—2mbps.
Virtual acche din to aa gaye!
(September 8)
Even when Sonia destroys the nation she is praised.
Even a zero-achievement politician Laloo is praised.
Even when Modi delivers the goods, he is abused.
#OROP
(September 6)
Coming soon all over India…
Aapko agitation ki Hardik shubh kaamnaaye.
#PatelAgitation
(September 5)
Janata Pari“War”…
SP & JDU-RJD fight before elections.
If they win, JDU & RJD will fight after elections.
(September 3)
Iron Man I: Patel—united India.
Iron Man II: Advani—united BJP vote bank.
Iron Man III: Modi—united anti-Congress groups.
Iron Man IV: Hardik—uniting all loonies.
The fall…
Sonia…
From controlling a Prime Minister to leaning on a corrupt former Chief Minister.
Pappu…
From future Prime Minister to wannabe Leader of Opposition.
Congress…
From Grand Old Party to Gone Ancient Party.
(September 1)
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
Head of most populous nation: Xi.
Head of largest democracy: Modi.
Head of sole superpower: Obama.
Head of largest religion: Pope.
All together together in one place.
What’s cooking?
Top 5 scams of Manmohan…
1. 2G.
2. Coalgate.
3. CWG.
4. Cash for votes.
5. AugustaWestland.
Top 5 scams of Modi…
1. #ArnabGate.
2. Name on suit.
3. Rs 10 lakh suit.
4. Louis Vuitton shawl.
5. Crying in front of Zuckerberg.
Level 1: Congress spokespersons fighting with anonymous trolls.
Level 2: Sambit Patra blasting absentee Pappu.
Level 3: Sushma trashing Sonia in Lok Sabha.
Level 4: Modi relaxing with his tanhai.
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
Astrologer to Sonia…
Your son will be super famous and get more coverage than Nehru, Indira, Rajiv and you put together!
Reality…
Word count of Pappu jokes exceeds the media coverage of Nehru, Indira, Rajiv and Sonia put together.
The man who writes Pappu’s speeches should get the Lifetime Buffoonery Award.
(Either that or the Bharat Ratna for preventing Pappu from becoming Prime Minister)
When Pappu is made President of Congress, he’ll still remain VP.
(VP = Vacationing President)
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
A rabid Left-wing anchor will pack the TV panel debate with 9 rabid Left-wing panellists. The sole Right-wing panellist will be introduced as “Right-wing” thereby falsely implying that it is a debate of 1 Right-winger and 9 neutral individuals. While by rights Right-wing debate should get 50% of the time, the sole Right-winger will get far less than even the 10% he could be getting, being interrupted a 100 times. If he protests loudly and gets good support from social media, then the entire Right wing will be dismissed as rabid, loud, alarmist, violent and unreasonable. All the while the question will be asked, “Why isn’t there a single rational and intellectual voice among the Right wing?” India is a secular sovereign democratic Republic, but the so called liberal/secular/intellectual voice of India is in fact Communist, communal and virulently intolerant.
© Sunil Rajguru
Gandhi brand mascots…
Mahatma: Khadi industry.
Rajiv: Scam industry.
Pappu: Humour industry.
Mahatma Gandhi.
Indira Gandhi.
Rajiv Gandhi.
One-thirds of India is probably named after this Gandhi Troika.
Congress has a 20-year-plan ready…
2019: Pappu PM candidate.
2024: Pappini PM candidate.
2029: Vadra PM candidate.
2034: Pappini’s eldest kid PM candidate.
Acche din came for the Dynasty in 1919 when Motilal became Congress President.
They will celebrate Acche Din Centenary in 2019.
(Even out of power they generally enjoy life)
Sonia and Laloo in competition for Worst Politician Ever.
Among senior editors both in competition for Most Admired Politician Ever.
Deewar 2015…
Vijay: Tere paas kya hai?
Ravi: Mere paas ma hai!
Pappu: Abbe, har insaan ke paas ma hai!
Citizen: Aapne sabko pahanaya topi
Pappu: Theek hai, ab pahanaunga sabko dhoti.
Pappu of “Got the boot sarkar” blasts suit-boot ki sarkar.
Congress and allies campaigning till 2009…
Mera Bharat Mahaan.
Campaigning 2013 onwards…
Tera Modi Be-imaan.
These versions by Sunil Rajguru