Category Archives: Short Takes

When Rahul baba finally came back…

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Q: What is your strategy?
Sonia: Chalo Pappu beta, summer vacation khatam. Uncle ko strategy ka spelling batao!

A latest survey says that 67% people feel that Pappu can revive the Congress while its 76% for Pappini and 101% for the mother.
(100% secretly admit that the Congress cannot be revived)

When Ram returned, it was celebrated as Diwali every year.
Since Pappu has returned on April 16, Congress can celebrate it as Diwaliya Day every year.

Theme songs.
Pro-Pappu camp…
Aayega, aayega, aanewala aayega…
Anti-Pappu camp…
Oh jaane waale, laut ke fir na aane waale…

Sign outside Pappu’s office…
If he’s In then he’s as good as being Out.
If he’s Out then nobody knows when he’ll be In again.

For Congress…
Chappan din ki chaandni, fir andheri raat hai.
‪#‎RahulReturns‬

BJP—Acche din aane waale hai!
Congress—Pappu din aane waale hai!
(Always waiting for his return)

rAhul.
pAppu.
A stands for absent.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

March 2015 Status Updates…

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Modi—Swacch Bharat Abhiyan.
Pappu—Swacch Videsh Abhiyan.
Kejri—Swacch AAP Abhiyan.
Aus—Swacch World Cup Abhiyan.

(March 29)

It has taken 61 years.
But the Bharat Ratna is finally in the hands of a politician who was never part of the Congress.
‪#‎ABVajpayee‬

(March 27)

Before, when Netanyahu looked to be losing…
Obama: I will deal with the next Israeli Prime Minister.
Now…
Netanyahu: I will deal with the next US President.

(March 23)

Why aren’t you protesting the Land Acquisition Act all over India?
Pappu: I am busy working on the Congress Acquisition Act to become President and take charge.

(March 22)

Number of regions Pakistan can’t control no matter how hard it tries…
Kashmir.
Afghanistan.
Balochistan.
Punjab.
Sindh.
Khyber Pakhtunkhwa.
Gilgit–Baltistan.
FATA.

(March 21)

The Holy Trinity of Cricketing Jokes…
Jadeja, Ishant and Rohit.

What if newspapers carried only edits, columns and opinion pieces on the front page and most pages?
Well that’s exactly the average Indian TV news channel for you.

(March 19)

Ireland: 3 wins.
England: 2 wins.
Zimbabwe: 1 win.
Guess which team has been kicked out of World Cup 2019 after that performance.

(March 15)

The truth is that despite everything, Pappu and Kejri will still be sold as great Prime Ministerial candidates in 2019.

(March 13)

What after iWatch?
In 50 years…
iClothes iShoes iGlasses iFridge iTV iSofa iCar iHome iPlane iMoney iSpaceship iGovernment iPlanet…

1991: Singh is Reform King.
2004: Singh is Wild Card King.
2009: Singh is King.
2015: Singh is Coalgate King.

All in all it’s just another “300 brick” in the 2015 World Cup wall.
‪#‎ScoVsSL‬ ‪#‎CWC2015‬ ‪#‎300pe300‬

(March 11)

Rohit gets out on 64.
Thinks: Waise bhi aaj koi double century ka chance nahin tha!
‪#‎IndVsIre‬ ‪#‎CWC2015‬

Common man: Lakhpati.
Middle class: Crorepati.
Businessman: Arabpati.
Industrialist: Kharabpati.
Scamster: Neelpati.

(March 10)

India + Pakistan + Sri Lanka + Bangladesh + Afghanistan.
England + Ireland + Scotland.
That’s 8 teams forming the British Empire versus the Indian sub-continent.

Don’t mock England—it wins one World Cup in every sport once in its life…
1966: FIFA World Cup.
2003: Rugby World Cup.
2010: T20 World Cup.
Next: Hockey?

(March 9)

Dear minnows,
You have been ruled out of World Cup 2019, not 2015!
Start playing please!
‪#‎AusVsAfg‬ ‪#‎PakVsUAE‬ ‪#‎IreVsSA‬ ‪#‎Cricket‬

After giving a great fight in the first half of the World Cup, minnows back to…
How much do you want us to improve your run rate?
‪#‎PakVsUAE‬ ‪#‎IreVsSA‬

Today’s World Cup match…
Team 1: We are Sharjah.
Team 2: We just don’t want to be Harjah!
‪#‎PakVsUAE‬ ‪#‎Cricket‬

(March 4)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

World Cup final musings…

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They want to kick out the Associates to have a competitive World Cup.
The only way the World Cup can be made competitive if you kick out Australia.

Even if Winnie the Pooh led the Australians, they’d win the World Cup.

Thank you Ranatunga and Dhoni!
Otherwise Australia would have won 6 straight World Cups from 1996-2015.

Thank God that Australia has never won the T20 World Cup otherwise world cricket would have gone into total boredom for all non-Australians.

Australia, New Zealand and India all lost just one match in the World Cup.
One is the champion, one a runner up and one a semi-finalist.

Progress of New Zealand…
1975-2007—Choked in all knockout matches.
2011—Choked in the semi-final.
2015—Choked in the final.

Let’s face it—The Aussies are hands on favourites to win the ODI World Cups of 2019 and 2023.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

More AAP destruction musings…

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First time Kejriwal quit in 49 days.
This time everyone else will quit in 49 days.

Information + Entertainment = Infotainment.
AAP + Nautanki = AAPotanki.

Media equality…
Modi gave “good governance” in Gujarat.
Media focused on everything else.
Kejri gave “zero governance” in Delhi.
Media focused on everything else.

One media owner to another…
Hamne Kejri ko 2013 main banaya aur invest kiya aur ab tak ROI aa raha hain!

Kaun kambakht kehta hai ki Hitler mar gaya!
Aam Aadmi Ram Prasad Sharma on the latest Golmaal.

Sholay—Loha loha ko kaat-ta hai.
AAP ka Sholay—Sting sting ko kaat-ta hai.
Nautanki nautanki ko kaat-ta hai.
Leader leader ko kaat-ta hai.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

When AAP decided to press the self-destruct button…

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Kejri…
2013—Bharashtachar ko jala kar raakh kar doonga.
2014—Modi ko jala kar raakh kar doonga.
2015—YoYa aur PrBh ko jala kar raakh kar doonga.
2016—Delhi ko jala kar raakh kar doonga.

In defence of Kejriwal, if I had to listen to Yogendra Yadav’s sanctimonious moral lectures day in and day out then even I’d lose my bearings.

I’m from IIN—Kejri.
I’m from IIN—YoYa.
I’m from IIN—PrBh.
I’m from IIN—Ashu.
Voter—Sasura ye IIN kya hai?
A—Indian Institute of Nautanki!

Next AAP cabinet expansion to include…
Sting Minister.
Dissent Minister
Spin Minister.
Nautanki Minister.
Dharna Minister.
TV Studio Minister.

Altaf Raja is back.
He should do a song on AAP…
Tum to thehre nautanki,
(voter ka) saath kya nibhaoge!

Smart. Absolutely nobody is asking about free WiFi, power and water reforms along with concrete anti-corruption drives.

AAP Mental Wrestling Federation Undisputed Champion…
Round 1: Kejri beats Anna.
Round 2: Kejri beats Shazia-Binny-etc.
Round 3: Kejri beats Bedi.
Round 4: Kejri versus YoYa+PrBh.

The stages of struggle…
1. Mujhe chahiye Swaraj (from corruption).
2. Mujhe chahiye Swaraj (from Congress).
3. Mujhe chahiye Swaraj (from Modi).
4. Mujhe chahiye Swaraj (from Kejriwal).

AAP gave a bad manifesto: Got 28 seats.
AAP gave bad governance: Got 67 seats.
After this nonsense they’ll probably get 71/70 seats next time.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

India World Cup musings…

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ODI World Cup.
T20 World Cup.
Champions Trophy.
Asia Cup.
Test No. 1 Ranking.
ODI No. 1 Ranking.
T20 No. 1 Ranking.
So much won from 2007-13.
‪#‎ThanksTeamIndia‬

Olympic hockey golds (1948, 52, 56, 64, 80).
Hockey World Cup (1975).
Cricket World Cups (1983, 2007, 2011).
All won only when Congress was in power.

During leagues Dhoni wanted to take LED stumps but wasn’t allowed.
Organizers said they would allow if he won semi-final.
Hopefully in another tournament then!

Now we need a Section 66A in Indo-Australia matches to prevent sledging from going totally out of control.
‪#‎IndVsAus‬ ‪#‎CWC15‬

India has many Ishant-Rohit-Jadeja jokes.
South Africa has many chokes.
‪#‎NZVsSA‬ ‪#‎CWC15‬

If you are on deputation for 6 months abroad you become an NRI.
The Indian cricket team is currently in its 5th month in Australia.
‪#‎IndVsAus‬ ‪#‎CWC15‬

Before…
Half the Indian cricket team is from Mumbai.
Then…
Half the team is from Karnataka.
Now…
Half the team is from Chennai Super Kings.

© Sunil Rajguru