If Mayawati became Prime Minister of India…

1. She would build a 58-foot monolithic statue of herself at the centre of Lucknow, relegating the 57-foot Bahubali statue in Shravanabelagola (the current world record holder) to second spot.

2. The Taj Mahal would become the official residence of the Prime Minister of India and Agra would be the national capital.

3. Amar Singh would be secretly tossed into the Indian Ocean without a life jacket.

4. Connaught Place would be turned into a huge Ambedkar Park. This would include the inner Connaught Circus and radial roads. All roads like Kasturba Road, Sansad Marg etc would become dead ends, with a statue of Mayawati signifying that the road has indeed come to an end.

5. A record 1.5 million government officials would be transferred all over the country within a week of her coming to power.

6. Her income tax would go up from Rs 26 crores to Rs 26,000 crores, which would be bandied as an achievement. The amount would be touted as her “donation” to the Central Government.

7. Along with Income Tax, we would have to pay a Mayawati Birthday Tax Surcharge. Habitual evaders of this surcharge would be shot dead in the long run.

8. She would file 1000 cases each against Mulayam, Rahul, Narendra Modi and maybe a 1000 other people.

9. Shoes would be banned at her rallies citing security issues. One rupee would be charged for their safekeeping. The money would go to the Mayawati Income Tax Donation Fund, which would now become Rs 27,000 crore.

10. Mahatma Gandhi would be stripped of his Father of the Nation status. That title would now go to Kanshi Ram.

11. Sanjay Dutt would get a pardon in his Arms case and be given a 20-year-jail term instead for his “Jadu ki jhappi” statement towards her.

12. The Laws of Manu would be banned. The Laws of Maya would be promulgated. India would make its transition from the Manuvadi to the Mayavadi era.

13. Uttar Pradesh would be renamed as Gautam Buddha Nagar, Lucknow as Kanshirampur. Agra would be quickly renamed Mayanagri.

14. The national motto of India would change from Satyamev Jayate to Sab Maya Hain!

15. Sonia, Mamata and Jaya would be exiled. Ek desh main sirf ek Loha Mahila raha sakti hain!

Maya Ho!

© Sunil Rajguru

Books and Authors: Post 2009 Elections Special

The PM Diaries…

Main PM ban-ne wala tha — LK Advani

Main PM ban-ne wala hu — Narendra Modi

Main PM bana tha, sach main! — HD Deve Gowda

Kambhakto ne mujhe PM ban-ne nahin diya! — Jyoti Basu

Arre koi to mujhe PM banao! — Mayawati

Life Is All Ha Ha Hee Hee: Main Politician nahin tha phir bhi do baar PM bana! — Manmohan Singh

Primeministership is my Birthright and I Shall Have it (Eventually) — Rahul Gandhi

The Jai Ho series…

Jai Ho! — Sonia Gandhi

Jaya Oh! — Azam Khan

Jaya Who? — Karunanidhi

Jai Kab Ho? — Rajnath

Jai Ho! Poll Jingle No! — AR Rahman

General Reading…

The Lord of the Singhs — Manmohan Singh

One-Way Ticket to Bihar — Laloo Prasad Yadav

Surviving a Nuclear Winter — Prakash Karat

The Rise and Fall of The Marxist Empire — Brinda & Prakash Karat

How to Kill Friends and Influence People — Pappu Yadav

Who Moved My Votebank? — Mayawati

A Series of Unfortunate Events — Arun Jaitley

Pati, Patni aur Bro — Laloo, Rabri aur Sadhu

Iron Men Don’t become PMs — LK Advani (in fond memory of Vallabhia Patel)

Railwa PMwa se Kam Hain Kya? — Laloo

Vegetable Soup for The Political Soul — Maneka & Varun Gandhi

The Chronicles of Sonia — Manmohan Singh

Pride and Prejudice — Narendra Modi

Rahul, A Suitable Boy — Priyanka

© Sunil Rajguru

Facebook Group Indian Politicians: Status Updates

Manmohan is Busy trying to juggle his new ministry
–>341 people Like this Status

Rajnath has just deleted the Group Majboot Neta. Nirnayak Sarkar

Mayawati took the Which Indian Political Character Are You Quiz
And the Answer is: Future Prime Minister
–>Nobody Likes this Status

HD Kumaraswamy has just changed his profile picture
Ananth Kumar–>Why have you put the photo of a handkerchief?

Karunanidhi is feeling sad that the Tiger has become extinct in Sri Lanka
–>943 people like this status

Amar Singh–>Sonia Gandhi
Soniaji can you please please call me? Mulayam is on my case.
Show 27 Similar Posts

Laloo clicked the “Remove Friend” button on Sonia’s profile by mistake, since then, he has become Friends with her again

Shashi Tharoor sent Mani Shankar Aiyar an invitation using Political Trivia:
I challenge you to a game of Political Trivia! I just scored 20,800 points in the game.
Think you can beat me?
P.S. I’m an MP and you’re not!

Advani has deleted his Facebook account

Sonia finally saw the movie Singh Is King and feels that Manmohan has more charisma than Akshay any day
Manmohan–>Thank you Soniaji!

HD Deve Gowda is off to Delhi to thank Sonia for meeting his son HD Kumaraswamy

Mulayam tried to join the Group UPA, but was denied access

Raj Thackeray has been watching Sarkar and Sarkar Raj back to back all day

Rahul Gandhi has launched the Group Let’s All Save Uttar Pradesh

Mayawati became the 110,223rd person to join the Group “Kaun Banega Pradhan Mantri?”

Vajpayee became a fan of Manmohan Singh

Sonia Gandhi blocked the “Add Friends” application

Nitish gifted Laloo a “I Love Bihar” sticker

Mallika Sarabhai just posted the link:
We, The Murderers
Does Gujarat have the resources to come to terms with its moral responsibility?

http://www.tehelka.com/story_main41.asp?filename=Op090509we_the.asp

Narendra Modi launched Gujarat’s 3444th development scheme

Buddhadeb Bhattacharya and Prakash Karat are no longer friends

Varun Gandhi’s fan club has reached 1 million members

Priyanka is humming the songs Jai Ho! and Singh is King

Captain Gopinath just posted a job ad
Vijay Mallya–>:)

Sharad Pawar and Vijay Mallya are now friends via the People You May Know tool

Shashi Tharoor skipped his ex-UN Under Secretary’s Summit

Rahul Gandhi requests his Cambridge classmate to please remove the party pictures of his photo album now that he has become a very respectable politician

This version By Sunil Rajguru

United we fall?

“Divided we stand, united we fall.” That seems to be the motto of the new world. We talk so much of a new world order and a united globe, but events in Europe, the erstwhile USSR and Asia are contrary to all these ideas.

Europe is turning out to be a real paradox. On one hand there is great talk of Europe’s unification and a European Council, but on the other hand the continent’s individual nations do not appear to be staying in one piece.

The biggest example of this is Yugoslavia which for months has been in the world headlines. The situation there is deteriorating day by day and today a stalemate marks the country’s future. Even the special UN Peace Keeping Force for Yugoslavia does not seem to be making much headway.

The former Yugoslavia had six federal republics and the president was selected on a rota system. What started as a row over who the next president should be ended up as one of the bloodiest battles and secessions seen in recent times. Now everyone, right from the common populace is tired of the hatred and bloodshed that is prevalent there. Even in the breakaway republic of Bosnia-Herzegovina, there is a lot of infighting between the Serbs, Croats and Muslims. A bitter battle was witnessed for the possession of its capital, Sarajevo, recently. So even if Yugoslavia breaks into all its former republics, peace will be prevalent.

Another European country that disintegrated was Czechoslovakia, though the process of division did not witness much bloodshed. Now we have the Czech and Slovak republics.

Even the United Kingdom does not seem to be so united. Ulster has been trying to break away for years with the Irish Republican Army (IRA) causing immense damage. Now even public opinion is Scotland is going strongly in favour of absolute independence. If things in Scotland get as bad as in Ulster, no one might be able to do anything about it. Hence Great Britain may not exist and England might be left all alone.

Even Helmut Kohl, the strongman of Germany (the other EEC power) does not seem to have his country under control. A united Germany has left a lot of disillusionment everywhere and most of the East Germans now wish that Germany should have stayed divided.

The biggest example of disintegration is the former USSR which is currently in total disarray. The Baltic republics — Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia — have already broken away. What is left is the Commonwealth of Independent States (CIS) which is an uneasy alliance with little in common. This could break into 12 republics anytime. The tensions between the Russian Federation and Ukraine do not help matters. Again, Chechnya in the Russian Federation has witnessed cries of independence. So no one can really tell how many pieces the former USSR will break into in the years to come.

There are also many secessionists waiting like dormant volcanoes in various countries. One does not quite know when the eruptions will take place. The Kurds in West Asia have been nurturing dreams of a separate homeland for ages, waiting for the right chance. They got one when the US attacked and devastated Iraq in the Gulf War. The Kurds then started rebelling and fighting for a separate country. It was only the brute force of Saddam Hussein that stopped them.

Turmoil in Pakistan could result in Sindh, which is shouting for independence. The fall of communism in China will result in Tibet demanding autonomy.

Then India sadly faces a problem in this aspect too. In 1947, Pakistan broke away from India. Since then Bangladesh broke away from Pakistan in 1971. India, however managed to stay in one piece. But for how long? Punjab and Kashmir are two states where there are militant uprisings in order to part ways with India. Now even international attention has been focuses on these two states.

The Punjab problem, with the cry of Khalistan, has been raging on for such a long time that people have finally got bored of it. It is a shame because so many innocent civilians are being killed endlessly day after day.

The problem has so far claimed the lives of a prime minister, a former army chief, umpteen high officials, a large number of security personnel and tens of thousands of innocent victims. On the whole, millions have been badly affected.

The Kashmir problem is different from the one in Punjab in the sense that less people are killed there. But then, the cry for independence (from India) is fast acquiring the dimensions of a mass movement.

We further have the problem of more and more groups asking for statehood, i.e., just as Punjab and Kashmir want to break away from India, these groups want to break away from their respective states. Prominent among these are cries for Jharkhand in Bihar, Bodoland in Assam and Gorkhaland in West Bengal. At present we have 25 states and if everyone has his way, we would end up with 40 states!

So, we still have a long way to go before we can seriously talk of a united world.

(This article appeared in Deccan Chronicle on September 13, 1992)

Late recognition

It is the general practice for an individual to first get national and then international recognition for any outstanding achievement. In this country, the contrary seems to be true. That was proved by the fact that Mother Teresa got the Nobel Prize in 1979 and the Bharat Ratna a year later in 1980. The same has been the case with Satyajit Ray.

Right from Pather Panchali in 1955, Mr Ray has been steadily producing films of great acclaim. Now, when he has been given the Oscar, the government wakes up and confers upon him the Bharat Ratna and gets Doordarshan to telecast his films.

(This appeared as a Letter to the Editor in The Times of India)

Reservations

In today’s conditions the pro-reservationists cannot be blamed, because, after all, they are suppressed. Nor can the anti-reservationists be blamed, because something is being snatched away from them. We should blame the policies of successive governments, both at the Centre and the States.

It is time our leaders forgot about reservations and tried to change matters in earnest. First of all, each and every case of discrimination should be dealt with firmly. All criminal charges should be taken seriously. The laws against discrimination should be more effective, definite, clear and without any loopholes.

The latest committee if five Chief Ministers against atrocities is a step in the right direction, but it remains to be seen how it is executed. The Prime Minister said on the issue, “We have tended to play politics in this field rather than addressing the problem over the years.” He is right. It now remains to be seen whether he also plays politics like his predecessors.

(This appeared as a Letter to the Editor in the Indian Express)