The slightly Good, mostly Bad & downright Ugly side of Commonwealth Games 2010

C for Corruption
India set out to showcase its economic might and development path, but ended up showcasing its corruption instead. All’s Not Well That Merely Ends Well. Countries will remember this for a long long time and CWG 2010 will be a Benchmark for corruption and mismanagement.

O for Opening Ceremony
Funny how a few song, dance and light shows can make everyone forget misappropriation of funds and missed deadlines. Indian Olympic chief Suresh Kalmadi’s moment (even though he was booed) after which the media declared that All’s Well That Begins Well.

M for Mani Shankar Aiyer
The Congress politician, who definitely did not have the last laugh… (Last heard he sacked his Rain Dance Master)

M for Money
How much did the games actually cost? How many funds were siphoned off? How much money could have actually been diverted for actual development?

O for Organizing Committee
Which in retrospect will be called the Disorganizing Committee.

N for Next
Next is what? Olympics? When will India be able to host the Olympics? Or is it N for Never?

W for Witch-hunt
The Central Government constituted a Special Investigation Committee to look into the whole fiasco. The saga continues even after the games end…

E for Environment friendly
In association with the United Nations Environment Programme, they were called the Green Games. However the presence of the games village near the Yamuna bank and the felling of trees had detractors crying foul.

A for Aquatic Pigeon Poo
Swimmers complained of pigeon droppings in swimming pools. Some alleged a Delhi belly because of that. Most Indians didn’t know what all the fuss was about.

L for Lane
The reserved Commonwealth Games Lane created quite a stink before the games began, but was luckily not as bad as that once the games started.

T for Toilets
Foreign media highlighted the stinking dirty toilets before the games began and continued to do so till the end of the games.

H for Hockey
Char din ki chandani, phir andheri raat hai
After reaching the Commonwealth finals for the first time ever, a 0-8 thrashing in the finals.

G for Gold Rush and Gagan Narang
Every cloud has a gold lining. 38 Golds (4 for Narang). Second Place, ahead of England! (Great Britain had 19 Golds in the last Olympics) Only the medals tally will be remembered in the future.

A for AR Rehman
Was the official theme song Jiyo Utho Bado Jeeto that bad? Is AR Rahman in decline? Is he no longer Ram but in fact the Ravan of music?

M for Manmohan Singh
Who had to keep stepping in to save face in the run-up to the games. It is said that once a President was ready to sweep the floor for a Prime Minister. In this case, a Chief Minister taunted the Prime Minister to do the same.

E for Elizabeth II
The Queen missed a Commonwealth Games for the first time in decades. What was she scared of?

S for the Suresh and Sheila Show
Potentially good material for an Indian version of the Punch and Judy Show featuring the games head and Delhi Chief Minister.

This Version By Sunil Rajguru

How to make Egg Broth, Karnataka Style

Set out to make an omelet.

Take a basket with 224 eggs.

Colour 110 saffron and the others in various other hues.

Poach another half-a-dozen eggs and try to paint them saffron too.

Scramble the rest and move on to other experiments

Some eggs will hate being boiled or fried and try to jump out of the pan.

Proceed to mix all of them to now make Egg Broth with a few dozen cooks supervising.

Egg roll… sorry drum roll… for the worst gastronomical disaster in recent times…

This version by Sunil Rajguru

How the cookie crumbles in India…

2009: Satyam Scandal breaks out

2010: Raju denies he ever pleaded guilty

2014: Govt denies scandal ever took place

2020: Raju officially declared “Father of IT”

2030: Detractors say Raju never existed

2040: Records show Satyam never existed

Post Script: Satyam is the Sanskrit word for Truth

(This version: Sunil Rajguru)

Indian political similes…

…as proud as Maya and her statues

…as spoilt as Mamata and her tantrums

…as unfulfilled as Advani and his dreams

…as stale as the Left and its government in Bengal

…as high-profile as Raj Thackeray and his miniscule achievements

…as low-key as Manmohan and his style of governance

…as destructive as Laloo and his Bihar rule

…as murky as cricket and its political patrons

…as huge as a politician’s black wealth

…as hopeless an Indian leader’s vision

…as blind as an Indian voter’s vote

…as brazen as a corrupt politician’s defence

…as ineffective as an Indian government scheme

…as opportunistic as Pawar and his tie-ups

…as two-faced as Vajpayee and his political life

…as fleeting as Deve Gowda’s prime ministerial stint

…as anonymous as Gujral’s prime ministerial stint

…as diplomatic as Amar Singh and his network

…as bankrupt as an Indian leader’s idea bank

…as fiery as a communal speech

…as enigmatic as Sonia and her mind

…as lasting as the Nehru-Gandhi dynasty

This Version By Sunil Rajguru

Overheard 3…

2008: Kasab should be hanged.
2009: Will Kasab be hanged?
2010: Kasab will be hanged!
2011: Will Kasab really be hanged?
2012-2020: When will Kasab be hanged?
2021-Onwards: I don’t think Kasab will ever be hanged.

Mamata: Tata!
Buddha: Don’t raise old issues. That’s dead in Bengal and gone to Gujarat.
Mamata: Who’s talking of Ratan or Singur? Me and the State are saying tata to you and your party!

Caller: Regarding the IPL…
Pawar: What’s that?
Caller: The Indian Premier League…
Pawar: Never heard of it!
Caller: But you set it up, you’re the cricket badshah…
Pawar: The ICC has nothing to do with other boards and leagues.
Caller: But Modi said…
Pawar: I have no truck with Narendra Modi.
Caller: I give up.
Supriya: See! I told you it’s so easy!

© Sunil Rajguru

AG OG Lo-G 2G!

Please sing to the tune of My Name is Lakhan

Rum pum pum rum pum pum rumpa pupam pum pum…
AG OG Lo-G 2G!
Main hu Raja of 2G,
Karta hu main jo wo tum bhi karo ji,
1 2 ka 4, 4 2 ka 1,
My name is dhakkan, my name is dhakkan,
Spectrumo ka sajan,
Mera naam hai dhakkan.

Spectrum chakori, paisa hai license,
Suli pe latka hain har ek operator,
Sabke gale main.. Sabke gale main… Maya ka mala,
Seekho o yaaron inse ye dhanda, inse yeh dhanda.

Do saal seedhe bas delay kar ke, har spectrum becho jyaada bol ke,
Har spectrum becho jyaada bol ke,
Main apni khaali jebe bharu ji,
Karta hu main jo wo tum bhi karo ji,
1 2 ka 4, 4 2 ka 1,
1 2 ka 4, 4 2 ka 1,
My name is dhakkan, my name is dhakkan,
Spectrumo ka sajan,
Mera naam hai dhakkan.

Main kuchh na jaanu is-se jiyada,
Ye mera ministry, main iska dada,
Politics nahi itna seedha sadha,
Kaise karu kisi se bhi koi vaada?
Vaade hain jhuthe, paise sachhe ho tum,
Jaise bhi ho bade achhe ho tum,
Bade achhe ho tum…

Kehna coalition partners ka tum maan lo,
Achha bura hain tum kya jaano?
Tum kya jaano?
Kehta hu main jo wo tum bhi suno ji,
Maine suna nahi phir se kaho ji,
Nahi Number 2 koi dono ho number ho,
Main hu dhakkano ka dhakkan,
Spectrumo ka sajan, jiyo dhakkan dhakkan,
jiyo dhakkan dhakkan…

Spoof By Sunil Rajguru

(Original Song: My Name is Lakhan
Film: Ram Lakhan
Year: 1989)