Category Archives: 25 things (or less)

20 New Facebook Definitions…

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Facebook: Your brand new face in cyberspace.

Facebook Status Quo: When you don’t change your Facebook status for ages.

Facebook Equilibrium: When you have found the balance in usage of Facebook statuses, notes, quizzes… and squeezed it in your delicate work-life balance (if you had any in the first place).

Facebook Vacuum: That empty empty feeling when you haven’t seen your Facebook Homepage in ages.

Vacuum: Something that was there in your life before Facebook filled it ;)

Facebook Quiz: A lot of inane question made by Facebook Addicts who follow a totally non-scientific process to make you seem something that you actually aren’t but which everyone else in your Facebook Friends’ list sub-consciously starts believing.

Facebook Thumbs Up: I like you very much… eh err I meant your status, or link, or note, or…whatever that’s on your profile.

Facebook Thumbs Down: The dislike symbol, which officially a million Facebookites have asked for and I think the other 131 million don’t want.

What’s on your mind? Facebook’s gateway to your thoughts: The new “How are you” or “How are you doing” of cyberspace.

Facebook Note: A status message that goes way beyond 100 words (roughly the space that a status message will allow). Has the added advantage of tagging your friends.

Tag: Telling someone and his or her friends that you have written a note.

Facebook Cause: A tool that allows you to fight for a few hundred causes without even knowing what they actually stand for in the first place.

Facebook Profile: Your virtual multiple personality which resembles nothing like that of your real life one.

Facebook Home Page: Your cool adda, where you hang out with all your virtual friends.

Facebook Wall: The plainest form of communication on Facebook, resembling a chat message or small email.

Facebook Addict: The person who has written this note and probably the person who is reading this right now. Also known as Facebooker or Facebookite.

Facebook Enemies: They don’t exist. Everyone in your Facebook universe is either a friend or a friend of a friend or a friend of a friend of a…

Facebook Fatigue: Isn’t too much of even a good thing bad for you? ;)

Facebook Death: When someone in your friends list leaves Facebook.

Facebook Illiterates: The billions of poor souls in this world who are not on Facebook.

© Sunil Rajguru

10 things my 7-year-old son worries about…

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1. What if President Pratibha Patil is made the Prime Minister of India after her term expires?

2. Poor Pluto. After it was stripped of planetary status, what changes came in its atmosphere, rotation and revolution?

3. What if due to some reason Mercury and Venus are also stripped of their planetary status. Then won’t Earth become the first planet from the sun? Can that make things a bit hotter?

4. Is Hrithik Roshan real or is he just another fictional character like Tom and Jerry?

5. Army ants are planning to migrate from Africa to India. Generation after generation will settle closer and closer to India. Then they’ll hitch rides on birds and planes. They’ll get onto elephants and buffaloes to get across rivers. For some strange reason, their ultimate destination is India in general and Bangalore in particular.

6. If I somehow manage to live for a billion years, won’t I die when the Sun explodes?

7. Why can’t my grandmother give me company in my old age?

8. There are currently more believers than atheists in this world. Tomorrow if there are more atheists, then will God cease to exist?

9. People say India will become a Superpower tomorrow, but is it at least a Power today?

10. Marriage looks to be too tough to handle. So like many small boys he’s decided not to get married and definitely not to have kids.

And two things he’s not worried about…

The expanding universe and the ultimate fate of the universe
Doesn’t that mean much more space for everyone as the population increases?

Global warming and the rise of oceans
Bangalore might finally get a beach!

© Sunil Rajguru

You know you’re a 2020 addict when…

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1. Whenever there’s any cause for celebration in your life, you wonder where all the cheerleaders are.

2. You watch the first session of the first day of the Test match and put it off after that thinking the match has ended in a draw.

3. In the office you feel the need for a “Strategy Break” every hour or so.

4. You’re totally bored out of your skull when you watch an ODI.

5. Being a Bangalorean, you involuntarily start for cheering for Jacques Kallis in an India-South Africa match.

6. You look at Royal Challenge Premium Whiskey and think there’s a spelling mistake: Where’s the missing r?

7. You put SetMax on at 9pm and wonder why the hell they are showing an old Hindi movie.

8. You were a Shahrukh Khan fan before IPL2 started, but you can’t stand him any more.

9. You call every Delhiite you meet a Daredevil and every Chennaiite a Superking.

10. You Google search Bradman’s 2020 average.

11. You watch an India-Australia match and are surprised to find out that Warne, Gilchrist and Hayden are all retired.

12. You think Mahendra Singh Dhoni is a Tamilian.

13. You vote for Vijay Mallya for Businessman of The Year Award because his team made it to the IPL finals.

14. You start buying Deccan Chronicle because Deccan Chargers won the IPL.

15. You suddenly want everything in your life to be quicker and shorter and more exciting.

© Sunil Rajguru

15 Things I never thought could happen when I was a kid…

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1. A non-Nehru descendant completing a five-year-term as Prime Minister and actually getting re-elected after that!
- Jai Ho!

2. Pakistan cricket becoming irrelevant in the world and India.
- Arre baba, IPL ka matlab Indo-Pak League nahin hain.

3. A mobile phone becoming one of the most common of devices.
- Mere paas Star Trek ka kam se kam ek device to hain!

4. An Indian picking up two Oscars on one night for Bollywood songs in a Hinglish movie.
- Jai Ho again!

5. Prabhakaran actually getting shot and killed without a fight.
- Do tigers just roll over and die?

6. No years of waiting for scooter, gas, phone,…
- Instant ka zamana aa gaya hain, aur bahut accha hain.

7. A Western type lifestyle and roads jampacked with cars.
- Watch an old Hindi flick, roads look so empty and only the hero is so well-dressed and educated.

8. A non-Russian becoming the World Chess Champion and that too an Indian to boot.
- Vishwanathan: Jaisa naam, waisa kaam.

9. An African American getting elected to the White House.
- Now that’s Change we all can believe in!

10. Coalition governments actually lasting in India.
- NDA doesn’t just mean National Defence Academy and UPA is here to stay.

11. Indians buying out top world companies.
- Mittal and Tata: What an appetite!

12. India becoming an IT powerhouse.
- When will Microsoft be toppled? Maybe the answer lies with India.

13. Veerappan getting caught and killed.
- Sandalwood? That’s the Kannada film industry.

14. The Berlin Wall crumbling. Communism falling. Russia becoming almost irrelevant in world politics.
- One world. One Germany. No USSR.

15. A Governor of Indian origin getting elected in a US state. Indian origin CEOs worldwide.
- So there is such a thing as Indian leadership after all (But currently only outside India).

And 15 Things I’m still waiting for…

1. Toppers and professionals outnumbering criminals in Parliament.
- “Hi! I’m an IIT Gold Medallist and Politics is my first choice!”

2. The Kashmir dispute getting solved.
- The Indian and Pak heads of states walked into the sunset saying, “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

3. India becoming No. 1 in Tests and actually staying there for a few years.
- “First it was the Windies. Then the Aussies. Now these mean Indians!”

4. India producing the fastest bowler in the world.
- “Aur isike ke saath Lucky Singh ne 100mph ka barrier cheer ke rakh diya!”

5. India playing in a Football World Cup.
- “India scores the decisive goal against Argentina and enters the quarter finals!”

6. An Indian company wholly producing a Windows or iPod type of product.
- Hail India, the new powerhouse of patents.

7. America playing cricket and India playing baseball.
- Slamdog Millionaire!

8. India becoming an economic, military or cultural superpower ahead of America.
- China door raho, tum hamse takkar nahin le sakte.

9. India making it to the list of 10 least corrupt nations on the Transperency International list.
- Corruption, woh kis chidiya ka naam hain?

10. A Bollywood production which makes $250 million in the US box office
- Farhan Akhtar? Abhay Deol? Anurag Kashyap? Abhi-Ash ke beta/beti?

11. The extinction of farmer suicides and local blood-sucking moneylenders
- Article in Economist: The Indian farmer is now a model to the world

12. India 100% electrified along with a pukka road and school in every village.
- Elections 2030. Bijli, sadak aur paani to aa gaya, ab mudda kya hain?

13. The entire MiG-21 fleet to be grounded and replaced by the latest fighter jets.
- F-22s anyone?

14. Dalai Lama returning gracefully to a Free Tibet.
- Tibeti-Chini bhai bhai.

15. Communism getting totally wiped out in West Bengal and Kerala and the states becoming the economic powerhouses of India.
- In Kolkata and Thiruvananthapuram, they have something that’s called Communist Museums.

Bottomline:
Ek eighties ke schoolkid ke nazariya se dekho to ab India main kuch bhi ho sakta hain!

© Sunil Rajguru

If Mayawati became Prime Minister of India…

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1. She would build a 58-foot monolithic statue of herself at the centre of Lucknow, relegating the 57-foot Bahubali statue in Shravanabelagola (the current world record holder) to second spot.

2. The Taj Mahal would become the official residence of the Prime Minister of India and Agra would be the national capital.

3. Amar Singh would be secretly tossed into the Indian Ocean without a life jacket.

4. Connaught Place would be turned into a huge Ambedkar Park. This would include the inner Connaught Circus and radial roads. All roads like Kasturba Road, Sansad Marg etc would become dead ends, with a statue of Mayawati signifying that the road has indeed come to an end.

5. A record 1.5 million government officials would be transferred all over the country within a week of her coming to power.

6. Her income tax would go up from Rs 26 crores to Rs 26,000 crores, which would be bandied as an achievement. The amount would be touted as her “donation” to the Central Government.

7. Along with Income Tax, we would have to pay a Mayawati Birthday Tax Surcharge. Habitual evaders of this surcharge would be shot dead in the long run.

8. She would file 1000 cases each against Mulayam, Rahul, Narendra Modi and maybe a 1000 other people.

9. Shoes would be banned at her rallies citing security issues. One rupee would be charged for their safekeeping. The money would go to the Mayawati Income Tax Donation Fund, which would now become Rs 27,000 crore.

10. Mahatma Gandhi would be stripped of his Father of the Nation status. That title would now go to Kanshi Ram.

11. Sanjay Dutt would get a pardon in his Arms case and be given a 20-year-jail term instead for his “Jadu ki jhappi” statement towards her.

12. The Laws of Manu would be banned. The Laws of Maya would be promulgated. India would make its transition from the Manuvadi to the Mayavadi era.

13. Uttar Pradesh would be renamed as Gautam Buddha Nagar, Lucknow as Kanshirampur. Agra would be quickly renamed Mayanagri.

14. The national motto of India would change from Satyamev Jayate to Sab Maya Hain!

15. Sonia, Mamata and Jaya would be exiled. Ek desh main sirf ek Loha Mahila raha sakti hain!

Maya Ho!

© Sunil Rajguru

10 reasons why KKR is at the bottom of the table

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1. The day Ganguly was sacked, 80,221,171 Bengalis cursed SRK and that jinxed KKR.

2. Match-fixing! All of SRK’s rivals paid the entire team to throw away matches.

3. The gold in the uniform is distracting and shines too much affecting the fielders and bowlers.

4. Numerologically Kolkata and South Africa are at odds with each other.

5. If you add all the alphabets of all the players and coach and support staff and owners of KKR, then it all adds up to 8, that’s why KKR is 8th!

6. SRK ka bura waqt chal raha hain: Billoo flopped, Aamir’s Ghajini crossed OSO, spat with multiplexes, injury…

7. SRK was tired of fame and went in for notoriety: Multiple-captain theory, losing streak, mystery blogger, racial allegations…

8. Nobody understands either Buchanan’s or McCullum’s brand of English and the players are unable to implement KKR’s brilliant strategies for success.

9. Buchanan is still virulently anti-Indian. He thought: If I can’t bring down India, let me bring down West Bengal at least. Paisa to mere bank main hain, ab kya kar lenge?

10. The team is simply not good enough.

© Sunil Rajguru