#AccheDin have already come for…

Posted on September 1, 2015 by Sunil Rajguru

Kejri…
Saala main to CM ban gaya!

Pappu…
Main abhi bhi zero kaam kar raha hu!

Mainstream media…
Government ki ghulaami khatam! Ab hum jee bharke government ko gaali dete hai!

Laloo…
Sonia-Nitish mere aage peeche bhaag rahe hain!

Gandhi Pariwar…
Same privileges, but with zero responsibility!

Pranabda…
Main to kabse Rashtrapati Bhawan main chill kar raha hu!

Sanjay Jha…
Zero intelligence hoke bhi main kitna famous hu!

Vadra…
Nearing 500 days of Modi sarkar and still no arrest!

August 2015 Status Updates

Posted on September 1, 2015 by Sunil Rajguru

Feels like…
Rohit—Chalo last innings main 50 banaya.
Agle tour main place pukka.
Abhi wicket fekta hu.
#IndVsSL #Colombo

In foreign Tests, Indian bowlers hunt an animal that has a very small body and a very long tail.

(August 31)

How to change the name of Aurangzeb Road.
Just call the process Rajiv Gandhi Naam Badlo Yojana and proceed.

Laloo: The 1st.
Kejri: Laloo the 2nd.
Hardik: Laloo the 3rd.

1996: Laloo wants to be PM.
1999: Sonia wants to be PM.
2014: Nitish wants to be PM.
2015: Chalo milke current PM par gussa nikaalte hai.

(August 30)

The Web is lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I surf,
And miles to go before I surf…
…said no-one ever!

Media coverage of Jessica + Arushi + Sheena murders
is greater than
lakhs of other murders + farmer suicides + all rural crimes + …

(August 29)

Newton’s third law and the Congress party…
For every sonrise, there is an equal and opposite sunset.
Sonrise—Pappu. Sunset—Lok Sabha.
Sonrise— Jyotiraditya. Sunset—Madhya Pradesh.
Sonrise— Sachin Pilot. Sunset—Rajasthan.

Before polls…
BJP Busted in Mahanagara Palike.
After polls…
Bruhat Bengaluru Modiwavecontinues Palike
‪#‎BBMP‬

(August 26)

Planned…
Farewell (last Test) for Sangakkara.
Happened…
Welcome (first Test victory) for captain Kohli.

Team India composition…
1. Test all-rounder means “half-batsman + quarter bowler” or “half-bowler + quarter batsman”.
2. 5-bowling attack means 5th bowler is a mediocre fill-in-the-blanks one.

Congress—Aadhar.
BJP—Aadhar to Aadhar.
Supreme Court—No aadhar to aadhar to Aadhar!
‪#‎UIDAI‬

(August 24)

Censor board…
Smoking and drinking is not OK, so warning appears.
Killing and violence is OK as no warning appears.

(August 23)

In Maharashtra a party which got 54 seats refused to accept a 119-seat offer.
It ended up with 122.
In Bihar a party which got 115 seats has accepted a 100-seat offer.

(August 22)

You need to fight fire with fire.
Kejri—How true! I’m using corrupt Laloo to fight corruption.

(August 21)

Rank of New Delhi among States/UTs by population = 30th.
Rank of Kejri’s media importance among 31 CMs = 1st.

Mahatma Gandhi passed Nehru and his descendants passed for life.
But Modi has to clear some vague media test every 3 months.

Very soon someone is going to make a Bollywood film on all this FTII nautanki.

(August 20)

For the first time ever, 100% of the crowd was cheering for India in a UAE cricket stadium.
‪#‎ModiInDubai‬‬

(August 18)

Modi is currently trying to win over Kerala’s biggest constituency.
‪#‎UAE‬‬

(August 16)

Scams…
1950s—Lakhpatis.
1980s—Crorepatis.
1990s—Arabpatis.
2000s—Neelpatis.

(August 15)

Ultimate goal to sell…
A rich film superstar selling fairness cream.
An MP selling water purifiers.
A Bharat Ratna selling everything under the sun.

Schrodinger’s favourite food = Maggi Noodles.
Banned/unbanned, leaded/leaded, healthy/unhealthy—all at the same time!

(August 14)

A fair distribution of Bihar Assembly seats would have been…
Nitish to Laloo: Aaadhe idhar (JDU), aadhe udhar (RJD) aur baaki Congress ke saath!

Last time Congress got 4/243 seats.
At the same ratio they will get 0.66 seats this time as they are contesting 40.
‪#‎2015BiharPolls‬

After winning PM’s post, Gujarat thrice, MP, Chhattisgarh, Rajasthan, Haryana, J&K, Maharashtra… Modi’s biggest test is Bihar. If he loses, it’s a referendum and he should resign.

(August 12)

Coming soon…
India-Lanka bhai bhai Episode 8734.
#IndVsSL

Turn Delhi into Kolkata.
Communism <Check>.
Dharnas/protests <Check>.
Vigilantes <Check>.
Trams <Check>.
#Kejri

Never thought Australia would ever be reduced to a one man (Steve Smith) team.
If Smith falls then so does Australia.
#EngVsAus #Ashes

(August 8)

BROAD-based nightmare.
COOKed in one session. FINNished. WOOD-be’s now.
‪#‎EngVsAus‬ ‪#‎Ashes‬

Politician…
Stage 1—Do street agitation.
Stage 2—Get top party post.
Stage 3—Gain power.
Sonia…
Stage 1—Gain power.
Stage 2—Get top party post.
Stage 3—Do street agitation.

Hum to doobenge hi doobenge, par saath main tumhe bhi le jaayenge sanam.
—Congress to BJP.

Pakistan has Schrodinger’s Children.
They can be kids and adults at the same time.
‪#‎Naved‬ ‪#‎Afridi‬

(August 6)

It’s called Aadhar because it requires loads of aadhar from the Indian government just to stay afloat.
‪#‎UIDAI‬

(August 3)

Nobody saw Osama and Mullah Omar die.
Nobody saw Dawood in Pakistan.
Nobody saw Yakub’s role in 1993 blasts.

There aren’t two but in fact three types of Taliban…
1. Bad Taliban.
2. Worse Taliban.
3. Worst Taliban.

(August 1)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

5 reasons why you can’t really ban online porn…

Posted on August 31, 2015 by Sunil Rajguru

1. There are simply too many web sites and pages…

Governments still don’t get the immense gigantic nature of the Internet. There is absolutely no way to police millions and millions of web pages. The amount of web pages that have nude/semi-nude images and other erotic content is too large to list.

In fact in this particular case the Indian government did not ban pornography (which is simply not possible) as mentioned by most headlines. They went ahead and banned 857 websites for pornographic content. That’s the actual news.

It was a bureaucratic list based on probably their popularity in India. But then if you banned those 857, then another 857 would take their place. It’s like emptying an ocean with a bucket.

2. It is the “Worldwide” Web: That’s another thing that most governments haven’t figured out. Web servers are all over the world while jurisdiction of a government is based within a country. Those 857 sites could easily find a way to set up parallel sites on other servers and beat the Indian system.

Things may have worked to some extent in the pre-Internet age. You could take popular magazines and books to court and set an example. Publishing was a long-drawn process and nobody wanted to get into a long-drawn legal battle and that served as a check and a balance. That’s definitely not the case with the Internet.

3. Too many ways to beat it: There are many ways to get around visiting banned websites. There are proxy sites and anonymous surfing. You might still be able to access a site using Google cache. No matter what the Indian government tries, hackers will find a way to beat the ban and then they will pass on the information to common users.

4. What about borderline cases? Let’s say for a moment that the government spectacularly succeeds and indeed does manage to ban the thousands of popular porn sites that there are in the world. The focus will then shift to borderline cases.

What about the media sites that show umpteen photo galleries of skimpily clad women to boost up traffic? Could that be classified as porn? What about a website that shows movies that feature nudity?

It’s like opening a Pandora’s Box and soon courts could be flooded with litigation to define what sites constitute as porn or not and what can be banned and not.

5. The definition itself is tricky: Wikipedia defines pornography as “the portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purpose of sexual arousal”. That itself is a tricky definition. At one level anything that leads to sexual arousal could be called pornography.

India’s IT Act also specifies that pornography or obscenity is a crime. The definition is laid down by Section 292 which states…

…shall be deemed to be obscene if it is lascivious or appeals to the prurient interest or if its effect, or (where it comprises two or more distinct items) the effect of any one of its items, is, if taken as a whole, such as to tend to deprave and corrupt person, who are likely, having regard to all relevant circumstances, to read, see or hear the matter contained or embodied in it.

The dictionary defines lascivious as…

1. Inclined to lustfulness; wanton; lewd.

2. Arousing sexual desire.

3. Indicating sexual interest or expressive of lust or lewdness.

This is also a wide sweep and who’s to say what thing will “deprave and corrupt” a person and what will not? The thing is that books, magazines and newspapers are well regulated and limited in number and that’s why it’s possible to go after them.

The Internet is a different ball game altogether and nobody has the resources to go after all the porn sites in the world. It’s like a million-headed hydra which is impossible to monitor and even if you manage to cut off one head, then many will take its place.

In fact it is for this very reason that the .xxx sponsored top-level domain was introduced and even approved by the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN) in 2011.

Most people in the world would agree that it is a good idea to ban porn sites altogether. However to do that is a task that is virtually impossible and also a great waste of any government’s time and resources!

(This article appeared in Sify.com)

Sanju, Pappu, Kejri, Diggy and Chuang Chou’s butterfly…

Posted on August 30, 2015 by Sunil Rajguru

Chinese philosophy…
Once upon a time, I, Chuang Chou, dreamt I was a butterfly, fluttering hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a butterfly. I was conscious only of my happiness as a butterfly, unaware that I was Chou. Soon I awaked, and there I was, veritably myself again. Now I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly, dreaming I am a man.

Indian philosophy…

Now I do not know whether I am a free man who keeps going to jail or a convict who keeps getting free.
—Sanjay Dutt.

Now I do not know whether I am a Bangkok resident who keeps going to New Delhi or a New Delhi resident who keeps going to Bangkok.
—Pappu.

Now I do not know whether I am an honest man who is corrupt, or a corrupt man who is honest.
—Manmohan Singh.

Now I do not know whether I am an activist who’s a politician, or a politician who’s an activist.
—Arvind Kejriwal.

Now I do not know whether I am a common man with VVIP privileges, or whether I am a VVIP who is in fact a common man.
—Robert Vadra.

Now I do not know whether I am a cricketer who sells everything under the sun, or a salesman who also played cricket.
—Sachin Tendulkar.

Now I do not know whether I am a truthful man who lies all the time, or whether I am a liar who thinks he’s always telling the truth.
—Diggy Raja.

AAP-Kejri baba musings…

Posted on August 30, 2015 by Sunil Rajguru

Imagine at the end of August Kranti 2011 if a soothsayer had predicted…
“In 4 years Kejri will defeat Bedi in the Delhi CM elections and join hands with Laloo while heading a fleet of chargesheeted MLAs.”
He would have been sent straight to the mental asylum.

One-third MLAs accused.
Half MPs suspended.
By 2019 it’ll be a Gaayab Aadmi Party.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Why timeless Bollywood superstars age really slowly…

Posted on August 26, 2015 by Sunil Rajguru

Amitabh Bachchan
1973—Inspector. (Zanjeer)
1976—Inspector. (Hera Pheri)
1979—Inspector. (The Great Gambler)
1980—Inspector. (Ram Balram)
1983—Inspector. (Mahaan)
1984—Inspector. (Geraftar)
1988—Inspector. (Shahenshah)
1991—Inspector. (Akayla)
1994—Inspector. (Insaniyat)
1998—Inspector. (Bade Miya, Chote Miya)
2001—Inspector. (Aks)

Aamir Khan
1973—Student. (Yaadon Ki Baraat)
1984—Student. (Holi)
1988—Student. (Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak).
1990—Student. (Dil)
1992—Student. (Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar)
2006—Student. (Rang De Basanti)
2009—Student. (3 Idiots)

Shahrukh Khan
1996—Major. (Army)
2004—Major. (Main Hoon Na)
2012—Major. (Jab Tak Hai Jaan)

Salman Khan
1990s—Romancing young 20 year olds.
2000s— Romancing young 20 year olds.
2010s—Romancing young 20 year olds.

Sunil Rajguru's World

A little bit of everything under the sun.