What if in 2050…

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∙ The human race is on the verge of extinction as mobile phone radiation is life-threatening over lifelong usage.
(Or maybe the meek (mobile illiterate minority) have indeed inherited the Earth.)

∙ Global Warming turns out to be the biggest fraud as the human race is caught totally unawares by the coming of the next Ice Age.

∙ The entire human race goes insane as it fails to distinguish between Actual Reality and Virtual Reality. Virtual Insanity is the epidemic that goes way beyond tuberculosis, AIDS and cancer.

∙ Gambia becomes the 54th country to get atomic bombs as nuclear Armageddon is indeed a reality.

∙ Women dominate every profession in the world as most men end up becoming househusbands.
(Husband in fact comes from the word housebound!)

∙ The world achieves its dream of being paperless and hence ecofriendly only to have a supervirus wreak havoc on the Internet Cloud, rendering the world back to the pre-computer age.

∙ Finally there is no progress in the world as World War 3 has transported mankind back to the Stone Age.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

June 2012 Status Updates

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∙ The Phases of Manmohan Singh…
In 1991 he was the New Moon.
By 1996, he waxed to become the Full Moon.
In 2004 he was the New Moon again.
Only to become the Full Moon in 2009.
Now he’s waning towards a New Moon for 2014.

∙ Lukas Rise-ol beats Ra-fell Nadal.
Roger that?

(June 29)

∙ Today’s PJ…
What’s common between the Iron Man and the Iron Pillar of Delhi?
Both the pillar and Advani have been around for donkey’s years confounding experts as they simply refuse to rust!

(June 28)

∙ Dollar to Rupee: Tum kitne gire hue ho!

(June 23)

∙ Like Brangelina, Singur should be renamed Mamatata.

(June 22)

∙ ELEMENTS of Adarsh…
Crores vanished in the AIR as they poured WATER on the dreams of honest defence personnel. Now all evidence has been destroyed in a FIRE and Justice will be forever buried in the EARTH.

∙ Bhrastachaar itna bad gaya hai ki uska naam ab Bharshtapaanch rakhna padega.

(June 21)

∙ Pranabda then and now…
1980s: Main banunga Pradhan Mantri.
Now: Main banunga Madamji ka Rubber Stamp (Pradhan Mantri MMS) ka Rubber Stamp.

(June 20)

∙ It’s called Rashtra“pati” because all husbands are generally useless and don’t have a say in the decisions of the house.

(June 19)

∙ It’s so funny that on Facebook every status sounds grand, every picture looks good, every link sounds important, every friend feels true and every trivial activity is hallowed. All that is ignored in real life mysteriously becomes magnified manifold when made virtual.

∙ Mamata must be really de.prez.d nowadays.

(June 18)

∙ All in a fortnight…
Sania wins French Open.
Sonia wins Presidential Open.
Saina wins Indonesian Open.

(June 17)

∙ The Presidential post is ceremonial.
MMS made the PM’s post ceremonial.
MMS for Prez!

(June 13)

∙ Pranab for Prez talk…
Congress: We would like to do something special for 1 Bengali.
Mamata: First do something special for 9 crore Bengalis.

(June 11)

∙ The Planning Commission is making a lot of illoogical decisions of late.

(June 9)

∙ Indian petrol’s ultimate goal…
Jitne dollars main barrel, utne Rupees main litre.

(June 4)

∙ I just love Aamir Khan’s passion, tears and commitment.
To think he’s just getting a measely Rs 3 crores per episode for doing exactly that.
Dhana Jayate!

∙ PJ of the day…
Why is the UPA like a cake?
Because both are great when fresh, but stink when they’ve been around for too long.

∙ The Congress ate Rs 5.50 from the Rs 7.50 petrol hike and gave back Rs 2 to the common man saying: Tu do kha!

∙ Dost dost na raha, Pyari Pyari na raha...

(June 2)

∙ Annual Appraisal
PM: I have just one question. Is any of us guilty?
CBI: No! You are all innocent.
PM: Your grade is “Outstanding”! Keep it up.

(June 1)

© Sunil Rajguru

Indian presidential election snippets

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Mulayam feels no mamata towards her anymore.
Mamata will no longer be mulayam towards him.
Sangma ke sang na majority.
It’s National. It’s Democratic. But it’s no longer an Alliance.
Janata Dal “United” no more.
Pranab ko Lal salaam, Kalam ko aakhri salaam.
Royal Bengal Tiger and Marathi Manoos Tiger bhai bhai.
Pranab bhai sahib ke sang Behenji aur Pawar power bhi.
As a sideshow, the Modification process has begun.
Bas Yuvraj hi Mr India ban ke raha gaye.
“President of Congress” Rulez “President of India” OK?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Facebook versus the offline world…

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Offline: I wish for just one true friend!
Facebook: I wish for just 1000 Friends!

Offline: I wish someone would like me for once.
Facebook: I wish I could collect at least 10 likes per day.

Offline: Wow! Half-a-dozen people wished me on my birthday today!
Facebook: What? Only 30 Friends posted on my wall?

Offline: You scratch my back and I scratch yours.
Facebook: You Like my status and I Like yours!

Offline: I’m sad means I’m sad.
Facebook: I’m sad leads to 12 likes, 26 comments and loads of ego massaging.

Offline: I had butter toast for breakfast. (Ain’t I the only person who’s supposed to know that?)
Facebook: I had butter toast for breakfast. (There you go 1256 friends and maybe tens of thousands more if my privacy settings are lax!)

Offline: What’s on my mind? Hell even I don’t know!
Facebook: What’s on my mind? Here take a few 100 status messages!

Offline: It’s better to keep quiet than to open’s one mouth and look like a fool.
Facebook: Keep quiet? Then why the hell am I on Facebook in the first place? I’d rather look like a fool many times over.

Offline: Insomnia means hours of staring at the ceiling.
Facebook: Insomnia means hours of staring at the Wall.

Offline: Stalkers are rare and scary.
Facebook: We are all stalkers!

Offline: Plagiarism is bad.
Facebook: Plagiarism is par for the course!

Offline: Sorry I don’t have any time to fill out that questionnaire form.
Facebook: But I have time to fill hundreds of forms related to all those mundane quizzes.

Offline: My boasting puts people off.
Facebook: What fun virtual boasting is!

Offline: I love my parents!
Facebook: My parents better not exist on this social networking site!

Offline: I hate clicking photographs.
Facebook: I don’t think I’m putting up enough photographs.

Offline: I don’t have green fingers, my solitary potted plant died.
Facebook: Thanks to Farmville, I’m a green finger tycoon!

Offline: I always put my best foot forward.
Facebook: I always put my best mugshot forward.

Offline: I’m so full of hate.
Facebook: There is not Hate, but only Like.

Offline: Boori nazar wale tera muh kaala!
Facebook: Jitna jyaada nazar is taraf aaye, utna accha!

Offline: I couldn’t give a damn about anything in life!
Facebook: The number of causes I support is simply not funny!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Indian word meanings and their usage…

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Mamata: Love and affection.
Usage: There is a surfeit of Mamata in the UPA nowadays.

Mulayam: Soft.
Usage: The Samajwadi Party suddenly went Mulayam towards the Congress in the Presidential race.

Manmohan: One who wins everybody’s heart.
Usage: Contradictorily, the Prime Minister is no manmohan even though Manmohan is the Prime Minister.

Adarsh: An ideal.
Usage: The Indian Army believes fully in the concept of Adarsh.

Satyam: The Sanskrit word for truth.
Usage: IT in India always goes by the Satyam mantra.

Barkha: New season.
Usage: The Niira Radia tapes heralded a Barkha in Indian journalism.

Rashtra Mandal: Commonwealth of nations.
Usage: The Rashtra Mandal Games was a showcase of the real India in more ways than one.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru