Indian Media—Ek baar maine commitment dee to main khud ki bhi nahin sunta!
(P.S.—Maine Congress ko 1947 main hi commitment dee thee!)

Sonia declared Emergency for the Congress party in 1998 and the mainstream media in 2004.
It is yet to be lifted though.

Most over-rated scam of all time: ‪#‎LalitGate‬.
Most under-rated scam of all time: ‪#‎Vyapam‬.
Both happening simultaneously.
Coverage: #LalitGate 99.99%. #Vyapam 0.001%.

Lalit Modi can start a ‪#‎SelfieWithLalit‬ trend and then proceed to post pictures of thousands of politicians, celebrities and journalists straight away.
The media would still carry photoshopped pix of BJP leaders.

Worst spokespersons…
1. UPA2.
2. NDA2.
3. NDA1.
4. UPA1.
Best spokespersons…
For Congress: Always MSM.
For BJP: SM till 2014.

Sameer Jain destroyed Indian newspapers.
Prannoy Roy destroyed Indian news TV.
Now they’re desperately trying to destroy the Internet.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Modi—Put in infinite loop.

BJP leader—Lead story.

Congress leader—Avoid as far as possible.

Kejri—Put on hold for even longer than the above.

Vadra—Ignore.

Pappu—LOL! Impossible!

Priyanka—Blasphemy!

Any other leader not mentioned above—Treat fairly and cover if nothing else better to do.

Sonia—Red alert! Abort! Abort! Abort! Cease all reporting at once! Go home! Go in hiding if you took her name even by mistake!

© Sunil Rajguru

Praise Modi = Bigot.
Abuse Modi = Liberal.

Praise Sonia = Neutral.
Abuse Sonia = Defamation.

Praise Pappu = First choice.
Abuse Pappu = When all fails.

Praise Kejri = First choice.
Abuse Kejri = When all spectacularly fails.

Praise Laloo = The rule.
Abuse Laloo = Not even the exception.

Praise Pakistan = The rule.
Abuse Pakistan = Anti-national.

Praise Hinduism = Communal.
Abuse Hinduism = Secular.

Praise Communism = True humanism.
Abuse Communism = Blasphemy!

Praise Israel = Human rights violation.
Abuse Israel = OK even if Hamas is praised.

© Sunil Rajguru

Those who have been abusively trolling Modi since 2002 are most outraged by anonymous trolls on Twitter.

Congress: We have asked 23 resignations, organized 154 press conferences and relaunched Pappu 778 times.
Q: What about the voters?
Congress: Oh! We gave up on them a long time ago!

NEWS…
Yesterday: North East West South.
Today: Noise Entertainment Worthlessness Sensationalism.
‪#‎MSM‬

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Sonia collected all her misdeeds in one place and put Harry Potter’s Invisibility Cloak around them. That’s why no-one can see them.
‪#‎SoniaLalitGate‬

What is common between…
1. Sonia Gandhi.
2. Robert Vadra.
3. DLF.
Media—They are all unrelated!
What is common between Modi and…
Media—Everything!

Jab tak sooraj chaand rahega,
Pappu PM banta rahega.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

1. The Sonic Screwdriver is Doctor Who’s Wand. His most popular spell is Alohomora, which can open and close any lock/door. It is also used for things like Episkey to treat minor injuries and Specialis Revelio to reveal hidden secrets. As a matter of principle, Doctor Who tries not to use it for bad spells just like Albus Dumbledore.

2. The TARDIS is a combination of multiple wizarding technology.

a) It can apparate and disapparate. While Hogwarts wizards do so in time, the TARDIS can do the same in both space and time thanks to its integration with the Time Turner. Portkey magic is also channelled. Sometimes his opponents attempt the Anti-Disapparition Jinx.

b) The Extension Charm made the TARDIS bigger on the inside than the outside, like Hermione’s Tent in Harry Potter 7. (Even Doctor Who’s pockets use this charm much like Hermione’s handbag)

c) The TARDIS is made strong and impenetrable by a combination of magic like a strong Duro spell, the Imperturbable Charm, Protego (a shield charm), the Unbreakable Charm and Salvio Hexia (protection against hexes).
Another TARDIS protection is Repello Muggletum (the Muggle-Repelling Charm). This keeps humans away from it by causing them to remember something else important and to forget what they were doing in the first place. That’s why very few humans try to break into the TARDIS even by mistake.

In fact the Doctor was trying to make an acronym for all of the above charms. He failed and partially used T (Time-Turner) A (Apparate) R (Repello Muggletum) D (Duro) I (Imperturbable Charm) and S (Salvio Hexia) and then made TARDIS mean Time And Relative Dimension In Space, a scientific rather than a magical concept.

3. Doctor Who is currently in possession of the Philosopher’s Stone, something that allows him to live seemingly forever.

4. Doctor Who also dabbles in the Dark Arts. Like Lord Voldemort he keeps Horcruxes hidden all over the universe. So whenever he dies he uses a Horcrux to regenerate. He is a Metamorphmagi (can change form from one human to another) and this gets activated during death. He knows his Horcruxes will eventually run out and that’s why calls himself a mortal and tries not to die in the first place. He knows the Philosopher’s Stone cannot give him full protection against his really hazardous lifestyle.
Horcruxes can only be produced by killings. Doctor Who has directly or indirectly killed millions of life forms in the universe (even if they were mostly evil).

5. Uses Legilimens very often to go into the people’s minds to see their thoughts and memories and sometimes uses Obliviate to hide their memories. He has also learnt to cast spells without his wand.

6. Apart from being a Wizard, he is also a Seer and that helps him in all his adventures as he can predict what’s going to happen.

7. The Daleks are a Goblin-Elf genetic experimentation gone wrong. They are dark wizards who use the Avada Kedavra as a first resort during attacks.

8. England is at the centre of both the Doctor Who and Harry Potter Universes.

9. Like Dumbledore Doctor Who is secretly gay and hence can’t hang on to any of his female companions.

10. One candidate for the Doctor is Draco Malfoy. He may have tried to do a “Tom Oliver Riddle” becoming “Lord Voldemort” with “Draco Malfoy” but failed.
He then jumbled
Hogwarts’ Draco Malfoy
Into
Galafray’s Doctor Who.
He took all the wizards to another planet where they called themselves Time Lords and changed the spelling to call the planet Gallifrey to avoid anyone figuring out his name riddle. Then he proceeded to destroy all of them and finally became a good guy because he wanted secretly to be just like Harry Potter all along.

© Sunil Rajguru