Category Archives: Indian Politics

Some sample ballot papers…

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If you live in the most populous state of India:
Vote for…
1. A party whose leader is busy building statues in her image and receiving garlands worth crores of Rupees.
2. A party whose leader doesn’t know what governance is and believes Romeos will whistle at Women MPs.
3. A party which knocked down a religious structure and then went on to decimate its own party leadership.
4. A party which used to bag 100% Lok Sabha seats in the State; which gave the country a few PMs and yet hardly did any development in its decades of rule.

If you live in the State that houses the financial capital of India:
Vote for…
1. A party which has ruled the state for decades and currently seems to have no ideology whatsoever.
2. A party with an extreme ideology.
3. A newer party with an even more extreme ideology.
4. A party whose ideology currently seems confused but seems to support the party with the extreme ideology.

If you live in the most intellectual state of India:
Vote for…
1. A party which has been ruling for decades and hardly has any development to show for it and who’s muscle power is more visible than anything else.
2. A party whose leader is the ultimate agitator and one feels will just agitate and not govern or rule if it comes to power.
3. A party which unleashed such violence in the sixties and seventies that people still do not want to touch it with a bargepole.
4. A party which has a marginal presence in this part of the country and who’s ideology no-one can identify with.

If you live in a State that has been granted special status:
Vote for…
1. A party that belongs to the Abdullah dynasty.
2. A party that belongs to the Nehru-Gandhi dynasty.
3. A party that belongs to the Sayeed dynasty.
4. A party that doesn’t belong to any dynasty.

If you live in God’s Own Country:
Vote for…
A coin will do as there are only two groupings have any chance of being in power and that’s the way it’s been for decades.

© Sunil Rajguru

Sometimes I wonder…

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We all know that all our politicians are worth hundreds of crores.
Yet when they flaunt a few crores, we get rattled.

We all know that all our politicians are corrupt, which is a crime, hence they are all criminals.
But only the chargesheeted ones upset us.

We all frown on nepotism in every walk of life.
Yet one family has been ruling this country for more than half of its Independent existence and we know and accept that another sonrise is due.

If we meet 90% of our work targets, then we feel really bad.
But if politicians even meet 10% of their targets, we get very happy.

© Sunil Rajguru

Who let the bees out?

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Very recently, there was a political rally in Mysore which was attacked by bees.

Please read to the tune of the Baha Men song Who Let the Dogs Out…

Who let the bees out? (Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz)
Who let the bees out? (Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz)

When the rally was nice, the politicians were jumpin’ (Hey-yippie-yi-yo)
And everybody havin’ a ball (Hah-ho-yippie-yi-yo)
Someone told the fellas “start the fire smokin” (Yippie-yi-yo)
And the police report to call that the poor beehive is down

Who let the bees out? (Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz)
Who let the bees out? (Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz)

I see ya’ little speedy bees head up our coast
They really gotta step down
Get back off me, beast off me
Get back you bumbling buzzing monster

Who let the bees out? (Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz)
Who let the bees out? (Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz)

Wait for y’all the bees, the FIR is on
They gotta get the queenbee the cops got their mind on
Do you see the conspiracy theories comin’ from every eye
What could you be thinking fiend
By breakin’ that poor beehive down?

Who let the bees out? (Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz)
Who let the bees out? (Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz)

Spoof By Sunil Rajguru

(Original Song: Who Let The Dogs Out?
Group: Baha Men
Year: 2000)

The truth behind “eco-friendly” Note Garlands…

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Madam Supremo,

I am humbly suggesting my humble suggestion at making our party more eco-friendly. India has thousands of leaders who attend thousands of rallies in a day and are felicitated with garlands of hundreds of flowers per garland. That is millions of flowers per day and billions in a year! To think Madam Supremo, billions of flowers are plucked by selfish human hands only to go into the dustbin! This is the criminal waste! Tonnes of floral waste are also released into the environment every year.

We need a solution for this. Recycling is the mantra of the environmental world. There should be no waste, only recycling. What is the ultimate recycle of the modern world? Money! The same note comes out of the mint, goes into the bank and exchanges hands between poor people, rich people, businessmen, politicians… We can inaugurate new notes as garlands after which they will be disbanded and released into the party and further into the nation. Let us call them “Note Garlands” and implement them with immediate effect. They are eco-friendly and will help save the environment!

We can authorize garlands according to denomination and rank accordingly:

Rs 1000 notes: For Madam Supremo only.
Rs 500 notes: For senior party functionaries.
Rs 100 notes: For district level heads.
Rs 50, 20, 10, 5 notes: Free for all.
Re 1 and Rs 2 notes: Classic old notes. In short supply. For Madam Supremo on special occasions only.

To think of the enormous free publicity we will get on 24 hour news channels! There will be no need to print pamphlets for party propaganda, a further saving for the environment!

We encourage other professions to follow suit:
Journalists can felicitate Editors with garlands of yesterday’s newspapers.
Star Hotels can felicitate VVIPs with garlands of used paper napkins.
Students can felicitate teachers with garlands of used notebooks and of textbooks.
Municipalities can felicitate leaders with garlands of fallen leaves.
And so on and so forth.

We have only one planet.
Let us save it.
Jai Hind!
Jai Madam!

Yours Sincerely,
Co-ordinator
Party Felicitation Committee

© Sunil Rajguru

7 steps to spend Rs 5000 crores…

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…if you are the head the most populous state of a fast growing developing country…

1. Convert national monument into heritage corridor = Rs 175 crores.
2. Build dozens of statues of self all over state = Rs 2000 crores.
3. Annual maintenance of parks to house these statues:
Rs 80 crores per annum X 5 years of power = Rs 400 crores.
4. Price of re-arranging traffic road infrastructure since some of these parks have resulted in the blocking of prominent roundabouts = Rs 370 crores.
5. Price of post retirement bungalow with government funds = Rs 50 crores.
6. Spend Rs 200 crores on a single rally.
Price of ten such rallies including this one = Rs 2000 crores.
7. Total so far: Rs 4995 crores.
Oops! 5 crores left!
What to do?
Just turn them into 1000 Rupee notes and convert them into a garland! Super idea!
All’s well that ends well!

Post Script: Tragedy just occurred, need ex-gratia payments.
Directive: Out of money. Petition Centre.

© Sunil Rajguru

Overheard 2…

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First Voice: Namaste Mayaji. Kaise ho? Aaj kal dikahi aur sunai nahin dete ho. Media wale aapko bhool gaye kya. Haha.
Second Voice: Dikhai to aap bhi nahin dete Mulayamji! Sab jagah Amarji chaye hue hain. Aur woh na aapke party ke hain na mere. Hahaha.
Faint Third Voice: Hahahahahahahahaha…
First voice: Arre ye kiski awaaz hain? Ye to Rahul lage rahe hain! Mayaji, aapka phone kahin tap to nahin ho raha hain…

***

Sachin: Oh God! I thank you for all that you are giving me…
God: But I am very upset.
Sachin: Aila! Is that Deva re Deva? But what have I done?
God: I am suing you for copyright infringement!
Sachin: Kai mahantat tumhi deva…
God: You have heard of the phrase: Sachin is God?
Sachin: Yes, but…
God: Well, I used to hear it a few hundred times at max, but after it became a trending topic, I hear it a few million times a day, that is way beyond permissible limits…
Sachin: Aila! Me kai kelo… it’s my fans… they are infringing copyright… I am just going out and enjoying my game… why does this always happen to me?

***

Raj: Let’s divide Mumbai. I’ll take Amitabh, you take the rest of the Bollywood like SRK. You take Sachin and IPL and I’ll take the rest of cricketing controversies. I’ll take the taxi-drivers and you take the rest of the migrants. You take on Rahulji, I’ll take on Soniaji from now on…
Udhav: But I have already divided Mumbai! I get full Mumbai and you get nothing!

***

Woods: Hello this is Tiger Woods…
First Female Voice: Sorry I am not interested!
Woods: But I was just asking about my bank account!

Woods: Hello this is Tiger Woods…
Second Female Voice: Sorry I am not interested!
Woods: But I was just trying to order a pizza!

Woods: Hello this is Tiger Woods…
Third Female Voice: Sorry I am not interested!
Woods: Forget it!

Woods: Secretary. Remove all the female contacts from my contact list. For some strange reason women don’t want to talk to me anymore. And connect me only to males whenever I want to ask for anything.
(Silence)
Woods: Secretary! Secretary!
(Silence)
Woods: Damn! She’s left just like that! I have to get a good male secretary first!

***

© Sunil Rajguru