Monthly Archives: February 2012

General cricketing musings…

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∙ IPL: Auction.
Indian Cricket: Uski bhi nilaami ho raha hai.

∙ T20% of revenues coming in only nowadays.

∙ ODI = One Day India (were champions, but not today).

∙ Dhoni is the new Nehru-Gandhi dynasty type icon: There is no alternative.

∙ BCCI theme song…
Mujhe teri sponsorship ka Sahara mil gaya hota, agar toofan nahi aata…

∙ Meanwhile the UPA is also going in for a BCCI type board of its own…
Board of Control of Corruption in India.
When pointed out that this misses out Swiss Bank accounts, then the name ICC was suggested…
International Corruption Council.

© Sunil Rajguru

6 possible solutions to the Army Chief’s date of birth controversy…

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The Army Chief and the government are in dispute over whether the General’s official date of birth is May 10, 1950 or May 10, 1951.

Some possible solutions…

1. The General be promoted to Field Marshall, thereby solving the problem of retirement and succession.

2. The two agree that the date of birth touch the half-way mark and be fixed at November 10, 1950. A perfect compromise!

3. The government work on a time machine. Even if the contraption is built after hundreds of years, it can first visit 1950 and 1951 to ascertain the truth, then come back to 2012 to pass on the information and go back to the future from where it came from.

4. The retirement ages of everyone in the Army be pushed ahead by a year. When the General retires in 2013, then the Chief’s retirement age can be pushed ahead by 1 year too. As it is the average retirement age in Europe has crossed 65 and we are way behind on that count.

5. Parliament passes a Constitutional Amendment saying that handwritten applications take precedence over matriculation certificates.

6. The UPA government resigns and calls for Lok Sabha elections. This is the last straw in their beleaguered plate.

These versions (With due respect to the respected armed forces) By Sunil Rajguru

Reactions to India’s freak T20 victory…

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(Team India wins an international cricket match on foreign soil after more than 7 months. After failing to register a single victory in 17 international matches (Test+ODI+T20) we finally win at Melbourne.)

MS Dhoni: I think I’ll finally quit captaincy. Nothing is better than going out on a high!

Brett Lee: We are stunned! We never thought the Indians could actually win anything abroad! Nothing beats the Poms: They didn’t concede a single defeat last year.

Mickey Arthur: We were planning to rest before every ODI match with India in the upcoming triangular series, but I think we will now have to revise our strategy.

Virender Sehwag: The six I hit in my innings is the most significant one in my life and could well prove to be a major turning point in my career.

Gautam Gambhir: This is my third fifty that has revived Indian cricket. The first was in the 2007 T20 WC final. The second was in the 2011 ODI WC final.

Virat Kohli: The run out in my over was the turning point of the match. I think I’ll become a full-time all-rounder. Also, in the last series we won at Perth because of monkeygate. This time it’s because of fingergate.

Rajeev Shukla: The energetic fielding won us the match. The last time I saw so much energy in the team was when they went go karting. I recommend many more such sessions!

Duncan Fletcher: I was planning to retire, but I think this win may just have saved me.

Suresh Raina: When I retire, I’m going to settle down in Melbourne.

Rahul Sharma: I couldn’t believe we had won. I had to pinch myself. And I didn’t even have to bat!

Rohit Sharma: India now have a win for every ball I have faced on this tour.

Praveen Kumar: I would like to dedicate this victory to Sachin Tendulkar.

Sachin Tendulkar: I wish I was there, but there’s little scope to score a century in international T20s, so what’s the point?

Ravi Shastri: Every ball went like a bullet from the bat of the Indians!

Sunil Gavaskar: Whenever Dhoni comes down the order, India wins easily. Maybe that’s the way forward in Tests too.

K Srikkanth: Arre bhaiyya Aal Izz Well!

Statistician: Actually it’s nothing. The law of averages finally caught up with the Indian team!

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

More consolidated 2G scam musings…

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∙ Hamaam main sab hai nanga,
Chahe bhrashtachaar ho ya communal danga,
Ab vote kisi ko bhi do sab “relatively” hain changa,
Ram Rajya nahin maili hai Ganga…
(Only caveat: Supreme Court se mat lo panga!)

∙ Sometimes I think of Manmohan Singh as the Dhritrashtra of Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro who must be saying in all his cabinet meetings, “Ye sab kya ho raha hai?”
One day he might as well say, “This is too much for me…” and storm off the stage…

∙ 9PM-11PM: Attack of the Clones!
Every politician/journo on every channel simultaneously.

∙ Today’s 2G scam TV debate coinage of the day:
Crony Capitalism Coalition Compulsions.

∙ 2G2G: Moving on to the Second Generation of 2G licenses.

∙ Telecom licenses have to be re-issued, policy has to be reworked…
If at first you don’t succeed TRAI TRAI TRAI again…
UPA looks like a TRAI-al and Error government…

∙ Zero Loss Theory is actually the Congress saying that they’ll have Zero Loss of Ministers no matter how many scams occur.

UPA = DOWNA.
∙ NDA = Now Dreaming (of power) Alliance.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The Five Sibalistic laws

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Law 1: If you are given a kickback figure, then just put the mirror negative in front of it and it will become zero loss.
For example, CAG: +1.76 lakh crore.
Counter: -1.76 lakh crore.
Net result: Zero.
Science used: Mathematics.

Law 2: If a court pulls up an office, then only the office has been pulled up, not the head of the office.
For example, if the court pulls up the PMO, then the PM is squeaky clean.
Science: Logic.

Law 3: If a court pulls up a government policy, then the policy is at fault, not the government. Hate the crime, not the criminal.
For example, if the UPA Telecom policy is pulled up, then the UPA is not at fault.
Science: Logic again.

Law 4: Every cause has an effect.
For example, Effect: UPA 2G scam. Cause: BJP Telecom Policy.
Science: Philosophy.

Law 5: The Congress Party is the custodian of India. Any criticism is blasphemy.
For example, Even giants like Google and Facebook may be banned if they defy this law.
Science: Information Technology.

© Sunil Rajguru

2012: The Year of the Cancel…

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Salman Rushdie: My JLF trip got cancelled.

Taslima Nasreen: My book launch got cancelled.

Telecom Operators: Our licenses got cancelled.

Mayawati: My statues got cancelled.

Cricket Fan: The Indian team stands cancelled.

General: My actual date of birth got cancelled.

Bhopal: Cancel the Olympic Dow sponsorship.

SRK: My slap stands cancelled.

Kapil Sibal: I will still cancel Facebook!

BJP: Cancel the 2009 Lok Sabha verdict!

Kodankulam: Cancel the nuclear plant this year!

© Sunil Rajguru