January 2013 Status Updates

· In 1942, the Congress launched the Quit India movement against the British.
In 2013, many citizens want to Quit India because of the Congress.

· My Name is K… K… K… K… Khan aur terrorists se Darr nahi lagta saab, media se lagta hai!

· Next Rahul Gandhi speech: Yesterday, Kamal Haasan came and hugged me and cried and said that the Vish in Vishwaroopam is poison.

· US: We are very offensive; attack is the best form of defence.
India: We are also uniquely “offensive”; we pander to every group that gets “offended”.

· Mahatma Gandhi’s last wish was to disband the Congress.
The Congress’ last wish seems to be to disband India.

(January 31)

· In a Banana Republic, Freedom of Speech ka kela hota hai aur aam aadmi crush hoke mango juice ban jaata hai.

· Telangana statehood: Tel lagana, phir uspe paani daal ke phuss karna.

· US: Dog eat dog.
North Korea: Man eat man.
India: Brain eat brain. (And that too fry)

· Piers Morgan is the one-man NRA (National Resistance Army) to the NRA (National Rifle Association).

· Why isn’t Sachin retiring? For record 200th Test!
Why isn’t Dhoni quitting captaincy? For record 50th Test as captain!
Why isn’t Rohit being sacked? For playing 100th ODI, record for non-performer!

(January 30)

· At this rate, they’ll have to rename the country to e-gypt, where e stands for emergency (or e-protest for online activism).

(January 29)

· In India, harmless criticism can be termed offensive, libel, riotous, criminal, seditious, anti-national…
In reality, Right to Speech is no longer a Fundamental Right.

· Like London Bridge is falling down, they’ve been singing Karnataka Government is falling down for years now.

(January 28 )

· Like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the Karnataka Government is the Leaning Tower of Paisa: Built with mining scam money; looks like it’ll topple any minute, but still standing for years.

(January 24)

· Rahane, rahane de.
Pujara, prayer aur puja kar.
No Tiwary, but why worry?
Unmukt Chand eclipsed.
Only Rohit is a Hit.

· In terms of wealth, the poorest Chief Minister in India is Mamata Banerjee.
Sadly, she is also poor in strategy, vision and grace.

· A Congress President may stay for life, but a BJP President will be judged each and every day.

· Pakistan. We think: P for Peace. They think: P for Prahaar!
India. We think: I for Intelligent. They think: I for Idiots!

(January 23)

· All Congressmen are Masters of Verbal Terrorism.

· For Congress, economy, corruption, Pak and its terror network are no problems at all.
There is only one problem: That the RSS was formed in 1925. All problems arise from that.

(January 22)

∙ Chintan Shivir final analysis…
2004: NDA did well. Lost.
2009: UPA did bad. Won.
2014: UPA pathetic. Therefore will win by landslide!

∙ Lance Armstrong should migrate to India.
He’d easily become an MP and even make Sports Minister.

(January 19)

· If one day Manmohan Singh just stopped coming to office, then it would take a couple of years for India to finally take notice.

(January 9)

· Indo-Pak Action-Reaction…
We talk peace. They prepare for war.
We go for a meeting. They send terrorists.
We call their cricket team. They kill our soldiers.

(January 8 )

· Rancho keeps thumping his chest and saying Aal Izz Well.
MMS does the same, saying Theek Hai, Theek Hai, Theek Hai…
That’s how he’s passed the last 9 years.

(January 7)

· When a 4-year-old Rahul first held a TV remote control in his hands properly, Sonia clapped her hands and exclaimed, “He’s ready to rule India!”

· Where the head is held low and the mind is with fear has to be Congress headquarters in the presence of Sonia.

· If Rahul Gandhi and Rohit Sharma exchanged places…!!!
…actually nobody would notice the difference.

(January 6)

· Everything you say can and will be used against you: This should be the message when you sign up for any social networking site.

(January 5)

· If there was an equivalent of Section 66A for the offline world, then all our politicians could have been chucked in jail by now.

(January 4)

• GB Shaw says we become adults at the age of 70.
Then India is the only mature country ruled by a bucket load of adults.

• Secularism: Recognize no religion.
Indian Secularism: Recognize all religions.
Indian (so called) Secularist: Just rubbish the majority religion.

• UPA1: NREGA.
UPA2: Cash transfer.
UPA3: Sell the nation lock, stock and barrel.
UPA4: Yes, the electorate is that dumb.

• Farce of 2012…
Out of many rapes, a few are reported.
Out of those few, fewer go to court.
Out of those few of the fewer, fewer get convictions.
Those few of the fewer of the fewer are pardoned by a woman president who was selected by another woman president.

• 2011 ended with the Government talking, but doing virtually nothing on Corruption.
2012 ended with the Government talking, but doing virtually nothing on Rape.

(January 1)

© Sunil Rajguru

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