Psephologist (Noun, Indian definition)…
A fraud who gets paid a good sum to make a prediction and paid even more later on to explain why the prediction went wrong in the first place.
(November 31)
It’s so funny that on Facebook every status sounds grand, every picture looks good, every link sounds important, every friend feels true and every trivial activity is hallowed. All that is ignored in real life mysteriously becomes magnified manifold when made virtual.
Arnab Goswami is rude, brash, arrogant and irritating.
But if he’s fighting a cause that you believe in, then he’s bloody brilliant.
Indian criminals…
First: Jail.
Then: Bail.
Then: Case derail.
Finally: System fail.
We already have a Rs 100 crore film every 45 odd days.
Soon we’ll have 100 Crore film of the Week.
#Bollywood
(November 29)
Here’s hoping that General Sharif generally doesn’t turn out to be a major nuisance and Nawaz remains the major Sharif while the general remains the minor one.
If you can’t even end brazen misogynist statements by Indian politicians, then how can you ever hope to end brazen misogynist acts by men?
India is the only country in the world which requires guards in front of both ATMs and lifts.
…and in other news, Pappu wondering why he’s totally gone off news channels and worried that he’s peaked too early for the 2014 LS polls.
Post-2G, the Congress became a 0G government.
(Key: 0G = Zero Governance)
If Dravid was the Wall, then Congress is the Gate.
(Coalgate, Tatragate, Choppergate… make your own gate)
If India is a trillion dollar white economy, then ScamIndia is a trillion dollar black economy.
(November 27)
Till the SC verdict comes, should it be called the Talwar of Damocles?
Everyone calls Modi a hardliner, but he’s the softest target for attacks, name-calling and stings.
The hardest target is Sonia Gandhi.
(November 26)
UP police ne dekha.
Delhi police ne dekha.
CBI ne dekha.
Media ne zor lagaya.
Public ne zor lagaya.
Phir bhi kya hua koi jaane na.
Wah re India investigation, yahan Sherlock Holmes aata to soocide karta.
#ArushiMurderCase
(November 25)
I.ran away from nuclear weapons.
Is(it for)rael?
Trust US!
In 2011, India entered the Golden Age of Journalism & Status Messages…
No shortage of scams, scandals, confrontations and snafus.
(P.S. Kuchh aur nahin to Modi hai na!)
(November 24)
The law is like a river which takes its own course.
But sometimes the river is slow, sometimes it’s fast, sometimes it gets flooded and sometimes it dries up.
(November 23)
Arvind Kejriwal…
Yesterday: I will investigate and resolve every scandal in Delhi.
Today: I will investigate and resolve every scandal in my party.
(November 22)
Hamaan main sab nanga.
AAP ka jhaadu bhi geela ho gaya?
1. Think of preventing crimes against women.
2. Speak out.
3. Actually prevent them.
Happy that India is going from 1–>2.
Coming soon: 2–>3.
What next?
Steven Spielberg to get Padma Bhushan for secular movie titled Minority Report.
(November 21)
What if?
Market optimism over Modi coming to power in 2014 has a cascading effect and economy improves and UPA gets re-elected.
This is a Roti (Food Bill), Kapda (itne scams ki badan pe kapade hi nahin bache), Makaan (Adarsh) aur Bandwidth (2G scam) government.
(November 20)
World over when a government gets corrupt, arrogant and incompetent, it is attacked fiercely.
Only in India do they attack the Opposition leader instead.
2009 slogan…
Congress lao, desh bachao.
2014 slogan…
Congress lao, Pappu bachao.
(November 18)
Future Pappu speech…
Bhagwan ka Bharat Ratna kaun laya?
How’s this for a spin…
Congress gives Congress-nominated Rajya Sabha MP Bharat Ratna on eve of Assembly polls.
(November 16)
Fact 1: One billion people do not watch cricket in India.
Fact 2: Of the hundreds of millions that do, not all worship one single person.
Conspiracy theory?
Diggy Raja is the only person in the world who comes out with “Conspiracy Statements” non-stop without any theories backing them whatsoever.
(November 15)
In Slumdog Millionaire, the villain kept saying “chaiwallah” disparagingly.
Do the same in real life and you’ll end up looking like a villain too.
#NaMo
While you were sleeping…
The Kuwaiti Dinar reached 200 before Tendulkar.
(versus the Rupee that is)
“Happy Children’s Day” applies to probably more than two-thirds of the world because men never grow up.
(November 14)
All Bharat Ratna/Padma awards should be automatically valid when the party that gave it to you is in power and automatically invalid otherwise.
(November 13)
Government to CBI: Not only are you a caged parrot, but within that cage we will tell you how to behave!
#TheekHai
Congress: We are democratic: Any Body Can (ABC) make it on our party.
Critic: You forget the D to make it ABCD.
Congress: What’s that?
Critic: D for Dynasty!
(November 12)
Sometimes the Solution (1947) itself becomes the problem (2013).
#Congress
So did the CAB make “Sachin Farewell Gulkand” out of the 199 kgs of unused rose petals and sell it at a premium?
(November 11)
Irony…
Petrified of attending CHOGM in Sri Lanka and taking Madamji’s permission to skip it, soon after Manmohan Singh is declared the most powerful Sikh in the world.
(November 10)
Nehru: Hum ek naya Bharat ko banayenge.
Sonia: Hum ye naye Bharat ko ban karenge.
Ban opinions.
Ban opinion polls.
Ban onions.
Hell, even ban Onion.com.
India’s two sporting Padma Vibhushans…
Sachin: Stands half empty in Kolkata Test.
Anand: Low sales for World Chess Championship.
We are officially a T20 generation now!
(November 9)
2Good Rohit Sharma
2Hundred in ODIs
2Titles in T20s
2Hundred missed in debut Test
2MinuteNoodlesAmbassador no more
2nd life in 2013
#IndVsWI
(November 8 )
A hat-trick of successful starts for Rohit Sharma in 2013…
1. ODI Opener.
2. IPL Captain.
3. Test batsman.
(November 7)
One of these days some Congress spokesperson will finally crack under the pressure and say on live television, “I quit. I’m tired of this shit day in and day out!”
ISRO launched Chandrayaan and Mangalyaan.
Pappu launched Bṛhaspatiyawn and many other yawns.
#JupiterEscapeVelocity
(November 6)
New joke…
How to make Maggi…
1. Put noodles in boiling water when bowler runs up.
2. Wait for #RohitSharma to blast ball out of the park.
3. When ball is retrieved, your Maggi is ready!
When Ishant Sharma came he used to do bowling practice in the nets.
Now he does bowling practice on the ground.
(November 5)
2013: Modi announces 182m statue of Patel.
What if…
2014: Third Front backed by UPA comes to power.
PM Mayawati builds 183m statue of herself complete with handbag at the centre of Connaught Place.
Greatest Indian leaders ever in that order…
1. Mahatma.
2. Nehru.
3. Indira.
4. Rajiv.
5. Sonia.
6. Rahul.
That is how they are trying to write history books.
Will happen if Congress wins 2014 and 2019.
(November 3)
It should be called the Gandhi-Nehru dynasty because the Mahatma went against the popular opinion of the Congress party and installed Nehru as Prime Minister.
Sonia thought that a sonrise would change the fortunes of the Congress.
But the sonset ended up changing the fortunes of the BJP instead!
(November 2)
Ajay is Maken a lot of noise nowadays without Maken much sense.
When Manmohan was sworn in in 2004, the Sensex saw a record crash.
Now that he’s on his way out, it is seeing an all-time high.
Smart Sensex!
(November 1)
© Sunil Rajguru