How Modi lost debates with every single Congress leader…

First candidate: Manmohan Singh.

Modi: Question 1…
MMS: Madam se poochke aata hu.
Modi: Question 2…
MMS: Pappu se poochke aata hu.
Modi: Questions 3 to 1002.
MMS: Hazaron jawabon se achhi hai meri khaamoshi.
Modi: I give up!

Candidate 2: Salman Khurshid.

Modi: When I become Prime Minister tomorrow…
Khurshid: Forget tomorrow, I will make your Modi Today as Modi Yesterday.
Modi: When I come to Delhi…
Khurshid: Come to Delhi, but how will you go back?
Modi: That’s the idea, I’ll stay there!
Khurshid: Aaye Delhi par naa jaaye Delhi se to jeet to meri hi hui na?
Modi: Facepalm.

Candidate 3: Pappu.

Modi: Gujarat is a…
Pappu: Beehive!
Modi: When I become PM…
Pappu: Not happening man!
Modi: OK, tell me what you will do when you become PM?
Pappu: But I don’t want to be PM.
Modi: Then what are you doing here?
Pappu: I don’t know, you called me!
Modi: Arrrggghhhh!!!!

Candidate 4: Sonia.

Modi monologues for more than an hour.
Sonia’s secretary: Under RTI, Sonia cannot reveal anything to you. Goodbye!
Modi… speechless…

Candidate 5: Kapil Sibal.

Modi: Gujarat development…. blah blah blah… statistics and figures… blah blah blah… examples and anecdotes… blah blah blah… phew! I’m tired.
Sibal: Into Zero. Everything you have said is zero and hence the Congress party has suffered Zero Loss in this debate. I win. Bye!
Modi: What the…

Candidate 6: Shashi Tharoor.

Modi: 50 crore girlfriend!
Tharoor: She is priceless!
Modi: I have developed thousands of crores blah blah blah…
Tharoor: My contribution is priceless!
Modi: I have great love for this country.
Tharoor: My love is priceless!
Modi: Thanks to the Congress India has lost thousands of crores of Rupees.
Tharoor: But India is priceless! If you take away thousands of crores from something that is priceless, it remains priceless!

Candidate 7: Jairam Ramesh.

Modi: Development…
Ramesh: Fascist!
Modi: Growth rate…
Ramesh: Fascist!
Modi: Congress has ruined…
Ramesh: Fascist!
(Modi to himself: This reminds me of my debate with the mainstream media. Yahan kuch nahin ho sakta.)

Candidate 8: Manish Tewari.

Tewari: Holistic… moral… fascist… dictatorial… Nazi… holistic… empowerment… holistic…
Modi: Bhaaago!!!! Isko koi dus second bhi kaise jhel sakta hai, bhagwaan jaane!

Candidate 9: Diggy Raja.

Diggy: 2002!
Modi: 1984!
Diggy: Yes, 1984 was orchestrated by RSS, so I lead 2-0!
Modi: Economy!
Diggy: Actually ruined by the RSS’ influence on the makhauta that was Vajpayee from 1998-2004.
Modi: Pakistan, China, scams, Vadra, arrogance…
Diggy: All RSS!
Modi: What do I have to do to get a proper debate out of you without you mentioning the RSS?
Diggy: Travel back in time and don’t join the RSS!
Modi: Tu jeeta. Absolutely no-one can counter your RSS*!
(*=Really Stupid Statements)

Candidate 10: Renuka Chowdhury.

Modi speaks for an hour and all that while Renuka in turns looks away, looks haughtily, looks bored, looks at Modi with great disgust…
At the end of Modi’s monologue he looks at her and says: Your turn.
Renuka remarks: Main kya koi tota hu kya, ki Modi ne bola bol aur main bolu? Bye!

Candidate 11: AK Antony

Antony comes, looks at Modi and says: This is not Modi, but someone dressed as Modi, so I am walking out…

© Sunil Rajguru

What they really wanted to say on Tharoor…

Laloo: What a loser! The fodder scam was worth thousands of crores and here I’ve heard that only 50-70 crores was involved! And that too not directly attributed to him! (Though I’ve heard he’s marrying her, in that case it’s OK as in politics wives have full access to the husband’s legacy. P.S. Rabri has already been CM so I am no longer interested in the Women’s Reservation Bill)

Mulayam: I hate cricket. I hate IPL. I hate British sports. Ban everything. (Actually the real reason why I want him out is that I’ve been meaning to ban computers and here’s a guy who’s taken Indian politics into the computer! Dangerous!)

Left: We don’t have any real issues and our policies are irrelevant to modern India, but we like protesting, which is on our blood, so we will protest any way. As it is, this guy is our No.1 Enemy as he spends thousands of Rupees on 5-star hotels. (Politicians’ thousands of crores of hidden money doesn’t bother us though)

Pranab: When I talked of austerity, he stayed in 5-star. Serves him right!

Modi: When we are together-together, I am Mr Clean. When we are against-against, I am Mr Shady? What a hypocrite!

Shashank Manohar: Ye IPL ke haath dede mujhe Thakur!

Balasaheb: This is not fair. I’ve been ruling politics for decades. I hate the IPL jamboree but no-one listened to me! Who’s this upstart who hasn’t been in politics even for a year! He’s been more successful than me this year. And he’s making Pawar squirm. That’s my department!

Manmohan: I really like this guy. With all these controversies, is anyone even talking about me? I am quietly doing what exactly I want to do. I’m loving it! I’ll definitely get this guy back when the entire furor ends.

© Sunil Rajguru

Cricketing Full Forms…

Lalit Modi = Lakhs And Lakhs Initially, Then Millions Of Dollars Income

Shashi Tharoor = Sunanda Has A Sweat Holding in IPL. Tweeting Had A Really Optimistic Outlook Recently.

Sharad Pawar = So Happy And Relaxed At Developments. Personally Am Way Above Recrimination.

BCCI = Board of Control of Cricketing Income

IPL = Infinite Paisa League

© Sunil Rajguru