March 2017 Status Updates

UK triggers Brexit.
EU chief vows to break up USA.
Two break-ups don’t make one unification.
(People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones)

Random alternate reality universe…
1947-60: Netaji.
1960-75: Shastri.
1975-85: Vajpayee
1985-95: Rao.
1995-2000: Advani
2000-10: Scindia.

(March 30)

Does anyone remember that 6 years back the nation came to a standstill, an old man fasted, a new party was born over Lokpal?
Where’s the Lokpal?

(March 29)

How do you counter Eve-teasing?
By Romeo bashing.
#MixedMetaphors Adam & Eve + Romeo & Juliet.

Priyanka’s daughter will be saviour: Poojary.
Sonia couldn’t be PM.
Pappu can’t be PM.
Pappini won’t be PM.
Can’t dare to think beyond dynasty.

(March 24)

Schrodinger on steroids.
If you go by the TV news channels, Uttar Pradesh currently has one dozen “next” Chief Ministers.

(March 18)

Assange is a bigger name than Jack.
Yet Jack refuses to give Assange a verified Twitter account.
Tells you what’s wrong with the Left-Liberal ecosystem.

(March 17)

It is the right moment for the Right.
But things are still far off for the Far Right.
#GeertWilders #DutchElections

(March 16)

Till 1945-Colonialism.
1945-91: Big 2.
1991-2000s: Pax Americana.
2010s: US, China, Russia, India, Turkey, Iran etc all being assertive as EU collpases.

(March 13)

Till 1980s it was the BBC.
1990s was the decade of CNN.
In the 2010s its WikiLeaks all the way.

The “Internet of Things” simply means that every device in your home can become a snooping device and be used against you.

Team India’s Women’s Day gift.
They finished the match on March 7 to keep March 8 free from cricketing distractions.

(March 8)

On any day, in any match, for any reason, from any position of strength, no matter what the mahurat, India can lose 5 wickets for 10 runs.

Imran has 1 World Cup.
Darren Sammy has 2.
Sammy graces PSL, so Imran calls him phateechar.
And you ask what’s wrong with Pak cricket.

(March 7)

If you want to be really politically correct, then you also need other names for woMAN and feMALE and maybe even huMANkind.
(March 6)

Incredible India.
Three straight matches of 600+ scores. (World record).
Followed by…
Three straight innings of 200- scores. (Business as usual)

Ashes to ashes ashes and dust to dust,
If O’Keefe don’t get you Lyons must.

Return of the Nair.
India last two Test innings: 212 for 20.
Karun last Test inning: 303 for 0.

Communist Contradiction.
The Global Bourgeoisie are trying to lead a Proletarian Revolution.

Casualties of war.
1947: 1500.
1965: 3000.
1971: 3800.
1000s more in Kargil, Siachen and terror attacks.
Par Pakistan ne ek ko bhi na maara.

(March 4)

American politics has transformed into a 1980s Bollywood movie.
Foreign hand in everything.
The man in power must be stopped with violence.
Bad script.

Sasikala-Stalin drama.
Kejri-Pappu nautanki.
Lalu-Nitish ka bhai bhai Jungle Raj…
No matter how badly Modi does, his rivals will do worse.

(March 3)

Uber led to the English word super.
As in: Uber was a super taxi service.
The literal translation of uber is “over” or “above”.
As in: Uber drivers are asking benefits “over” and “above” what they are getting now.

(March 2)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

March 2011 Status updates

∙ Even when Sachin plays really badly, it’s a Catch-5 situation for Pakistan!

∙ Somehow, I am feeling sorry for the Pakistanis.
Now I want to feel really sorry for the Sri Lankans.

∙ Now showing at World Cup cinema: Pak ko harakar raakh kar doonga!

∙ Sachin Ten(lives)dulkar beats Shayad Afridi & Shayad Ajmal, Miss-bah, Umar Ball-Gul, A Sad Shafique and Wah! Riaz

(March 31)

∙ A prayer for wives who hate cricket…
“May India win the world cup just so that my husband shuts up and doesn’t sulk for the next four years!”

∙ Even Facebook and Twitter are blue today! Go India Blues Go!
(OK, they’re Blue every day, but what the hell!)

∙ Cricket lovers of India unite!
You have nothing to lose but your nerves!

∙ Today is World War 3!
Take shelter at Mohali Stadium or establishments with giant screens or the safety of your home TV room.
May the Gods of electricity, health and victory be with you!
Jai Hind!

∙ Today India is one gigantic pressure cooker.
The whistle is Mohali.
Pake raho!

∙ Imran Khan advised sleeping pills to players “before” Indo-Pak match.
However, losing fans will certainly require them at night “after” the game!

∙ India and Pakistan: Match of life and death.
Rest of World: Match ado about nothing!

∙ Jitna baat kar rahe hai ex cricket players, utna kabhi life main khela bhi nahin hoga!

(March 30)

∙ Indian team. Pak team. Crazy fans from both sides of the border. Manmohan. Gilani. Sonia. Bollywood stars. Other VVIPs… hell the security must be even greater than Obama’s inauguration! Talk of a humble semi-final match in a developing country!

∙ Will patriotic Indian bookies and mafia offer the Pak team tonnes of money to tank the match?

∙ Ha Malik sahab, aap ne bol diya, ab sab ekdum dar gaye, ab koi match-fixing nahin hoga!

(March 29)

∙ All Thoughts Lead to Mohali…

∙ “Oh! India and Pak are meeting in a cricket WC semi-final. OK let’s meet and discuss the fate of two nations.”
No wonder Indo-Pak ties are in such a mess.
What next? Special concessions for the country that wins?

(March 28)

∙ In the 2015 World Cup, if South Africa beat Canada in the quarters, then it would be the greatest upset in the history of cricket!

∙ Cricketing caution: Fire, water and batting powerplays are good servants, but bad masters.

(March 27)

∙ When he came, he was White Knight Manmohan Singh.
Now he’s Black Moneymohan Singh!
Such a long journey…

(March 26)

Yuvi ka Raj hai. Rickety Ponting ka team hai.
Sach is India’s batting form that even bowling Khan do it.
Bring on Pak! Who’s afraid of Afridi?

(March 25)

∙ Indian Airline pilots: Hamare saath bhed kyu? Hamara scam kyu nahin? Aakhir hum bhi to insaan hai!

∙ Out, out champ Aussies! out, I say!—One; two; three titles, why, then ’tis now time to do’t.— Kick them out or all will be murky…

∙ Wonder what Anil Kumble thinks when he’s stuck in a jam at Anil Kumble Cirlce. And will we have an MS Dhoni Road?

(March 24)

∙ Advani’s dream of becoming PM may not have come true, but Manmohan’s nightmare of trying to stay as PM has just begun.

∙ Windies: Your crash or mine?
Pak: Aaj aap ki baari hai.

∙ West Indies cricket died long back.
Looks like today even the ghost is dying.

(March 23)

∙ By the time the Karnataka government is finally brought down, the Election Commission will politely inform the Governor and dissidents that 5 years is up, it was time for polls anyway.

∙ Half the central government is busy taking bribes.
The other half is busy in scam-taint damage control.
Who’s running the nation?

(March 22)

∙ America is always itching to attack some country or other.
They usually get their wish.
Hello Libya!

(March 19)

∙ It’s been going on for so long now that Yedyurappa can officially induct a Dissidence Control Minister.

∙ Unlike Japan, India’s problems are man-made.
A tsunami of scams has rocked the nation, leading to a political meltdown.

(March 18)

• I was playing cricket with my son. I got his wicket, clean bowled.
He stood his ground and challenged me saying, “The ball pitched more that 2.5 metres from the stump!”

• Mulayam: Itna maha corruption faila hua hai ki apan log news se gayab hi ho gaye.
Maya: Chalo, ladai karte hai. Kuch to coverage milega!

• The Sheen has been taken off CBS.

Dus mulko ke commentators cheekh rahe hai aur chilla rahe hain.
Piyush Chawla ko team se hatana mushkil hi nahin namumkin hai.

• Dog: Wag the tail.
US Spinmasters: Wag the dog.
Gaddafi: Wag the whole world.

(March 9)

Pahale Raja gaya Centre se.
Ab jaa raha hain uska band, baja aur baraat.

Next, sab State se bhi jaayenge kya?
Jaya ho!

• Dhoni’s new theme song…
Chawla hoga kaamyaab, Chawla hoga kaamyaab,
Chawla hoga kaamyaab ek din,
Man main hai vishwas poora hai vishwas..

• So Piyush Chawla is the new Ravindra Jadeja.

(March 7)

• Stuck on C.
A for Adarsh. B for Bofors.
C for Congress. C for Corruption. C for CVC. C for CWG. C for CBI cases. C for Cricket Scandals. C for Court (Supreme). C for Chief Justice rebuke. C for Chavan revelations. C for…

• Bofors case closed.
Makes sense. Just Rs 64 crores kickback.
Who has time for anything less than Rs 1000 crores nowadays anyway?
(Plus more than Rs 64 crores must have been spent on probes so far.)

• Now showing worldwide: The King’s Speech.
Now showing in India: The Prime Minister’s Speech.

• So Charlie Sheen is the half man in Two and a half men.

(March 5)

• EC should not ban TN colour TVs to the people.
Grassroots democracy at its finest…
Bribes reaching the common man.

• Gaddafi is currently leading a revolution among despots…

• So currently quizmaster Derek O’Brien is not the most famous O’Brien in India.

(March 3)

• Cricket update:
India-England tie-tie
UDRS hai-hai!
Ticket Dreams bye-bye
BCC(I)CC bhai-bhai
…Match-fixing die-die!

• You don’t have to be an Alice to be in Wonderland.
Being a Gadaffi will do quite nicely!

(March 2)

© Sunil Rajguru

Short Takes Jun-Aug 2010

· Once, they thought malaria came from swamps and marshlands. Now thanks to Dr Raj, we know better. Nobel Prize for Medicine anyone?

· Corruption is Common in India. Wealth is black all around. Yet we get alarmed only when the Game is exposed.

· Facebook Privacy = Still pretty bad Publicity

(August 3)

· Social Networking Motto: Virtual Company is better than No Company

(August 1)

· Commonblackwealth Games
(July 31)

· Current Post: Chief Damager of Indian Railways. Future Post: Chief Damager of the State of West Bengal. Advice: Emigrate by 2011. Caution: Fly out, don’t take train…

(July 24)

· Coming Soon: Wanted, Global Cut. Americans Anderson and Headley wanted in India. Lanka’s Devananda wanted. Dozens of Pak alleged terrorists wanted…

·  Difference in perspective: The US and Indian Governments thought that Anderson and Carbide employees were the victims of Bhopal Gas Tragedy.

(June 10)

·  Indian Maths: 0.5 million victims + 15000 deaths + 25 years delay + Endless Trauma = 2 years

· Revelation #23: Actually I have a minority stake in Modi’s company which has a minority stake in Srinivasan’s company… and I gifted my stake to Supriya, so I’m clean and it was a surprise gift, so she doesn’t know yet. Aai shapath!

· B.. B.. Bengal B.. B..Basu, B.. B.. Bhattacharya aur abhi B.. B.. Banerjee ke Beech Bebas hai… Bhagwan Bhadralok ko Bachaye!

(June 7)

· Meetha hai khana aaj pahali tareek hain, meetha hai khana aaj doosri tareek hain… meetha hai khana aaj teeswi tareek hain… roz chocolate khao na yaar, ye pahali tareek ka kya funda hai?

· Tharoor-Modi Finding #45: A Tweet for a Tweet will only make all the Twits lose their jobs.

(June 6)

· Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the dirtiest of them all? The mirror just cracked, IPL is too much for it to handle.

· Mystery solved. Sri Sri: Oh God! Police: Oh Dog!

· Will Twitter ever see inflation and the number of characters go up to 160 or 180?

· Looks like Obama has got indigestion after eating Pak food for so long that he’s dying to eat Indian chapatis.

· In the 1970s, West Bengal had Ray. But no light. Then came Jyoti. And darkness. Followed by Buddha. No enlightenment. On the cards is Mamata. But I don’t think the Spirit of Love is exactly going to pervade the State for the next 5-6 years.

(June 5)

· Ignorance Premier League: The Wheelers and Dealers themselves don’t know that they are involved with the IPL!

· Cross my heart. My name is not Supriya Sule. I don’t know Sharad Pawar. And… err… what is cricket?

(June 4)

· West Bengal. Congress-Dark Ages. Left-Super Dark Ages. Mamata-Super Duper Dark Ages. I really admire the resilience of the state.

(June 1)

© Sunil Rajguru

Status Updates May 2010

· Success = 3 Timely Good Hot Meals + 1 Good Night’s Sleep (Every Day)

(May 25)

· It’s high time India, Pak built an Imaginary Wall: No talks, no ties, no trade, no nothing… politicians can’t do a thing… one day the people will themselves tear down the wall… till then stop wasting time…

· When 1 billion people take more than 10-20 years to hang a single person, it’s time to abolish the death penalty.

· Looks like Mamata has Left the Railways. God save us passengers!

· The Terrorist bans Life. The Pak Govt bans Virtual Life. Acchi jugalbandi hain!

· Modi & Modi. Politics & Cricket. Top Performers. Top Targets. Top Hates. Best & Worst together. What would we do without them?

· Pak fan’s diary: Pak maintains 100% victory record in 2010 too. Won 60% matches. Out of 40% matches lost, all were fixed.

(May 22)

· India and Pak are best of friends and believe in sharing! Apart from a shared heritage and culture, they also share Kashmir, bullets and terrorism…

(May 20)

· Unusual marriage vows: Do you Sunanda give up your IPL team? I do! … Do you Shashi give up your Govt Ministry? I do!

· Aman ki Asha = Chaman ki Bhasha.

· Newscast: Here is today’s news, weather, stock quotes and the latest Facebook Privacy settings.

· Facebook is a big fan of Heraclitus, who said: Nothing is permanent except change. That’s why they keep changing Privacy Settings every day.

(May 19)

· Is tiring a bit of T20. It’s like a long Bollywood movie. Can’t wait for International T10. That’ll be more like a Hollywood thriller!

· Rain rain don’t go away,
and still come again another day,
keep at it if you may,
I never believed in making hay…

· Brevity is the soul of wit. Lengthy is the soul of a twit. (Reference: Lalit Modi’s 15000 page reply)

· Saving (Un)Private Facebook

· High time they had parties, tamasha, bollywood stars, hype, team cheerleaders… in world cups and Tests. That’s the only hope of being taken seriously by Indian players.

· Next group to target Modi. Environmentalists. 15000 pages of paper in a paperless era, I tell you! How many trees did he butcher?

(May 16)

· Old Age Saying: The Joke’s on you. New Age Saying: The Joke’s your deputy.
(Courtesy: David Cameron)

(May 13)

· The grass is always greener on the other side = The ball is always shorter on the other side of Indian Cricket.

(May 12)

· I admire people like Shashi Tharoor and Jairam Ramesh. They challenge the absolutely “Fake Public Consensus” that India is steeped in.

(May 11)

© Sunil Rajguru