Congress mobile terminology

Sonia: Out of your coverage area.

Rahul: Network error.

Spokespersons: Voice with no data.

PM: Silent mode.

Spokespersons: Loud ringtone and vibrate mode.

SMS: Something that spreads baseless rumours.

MMS: Parody of the original MMS! Ban it!

Mobile Internet: Twitter! Facebook! Ban it!

International roaming: If it concerns the dynasty, then RTI doesn’t apply.

Talk time: If it’s Congress spokespersons, 24X7. All others: Zero.

EDGE: Enhanced Dynastic Rate for Gandhis’ Evolution.

Voice over Internet Protocol: Can we actually yell at people while they surf the Internet!

1G: Motilal Nehru, first generation Nehru-Gandhi dynasty.

2G: Spectrum for scam allocation.

3G: Future scam potential spectrum.

4G: Sonia, fourth generation dynasty.

5G: Rahul, fifth generation dynasty. And like 5G (the technology), is very undercooked and years away from maturing and hitting the market.

These Versions by Sunil Rajguru

February 2012 Status Updates

∙ India are the Fair Weather Chokers and the Do or Die World Champs.

∙ If Victory is our Religion, then Kohli is God.

(February 28)

∙ They may take away our victories, but they’ll never take away our freedom… (to call ourselves ODI World Champions till 2015)
-Indian Braveheart.

(February 26)

∙ IRAN now stands for… International Rage Against Nukes.

(February 17)

∙ Overheard in heaven…
Celebrity 1: My death got 4 million Google search pages.
Celebrity 2: My fan page message got 6 million likes.
Celebrity 3: That’s nothing. I went out at 10,000 Tweets per second!

(February 14)

∙ The UPA Ministers play a game call “Passing the Foot in the Mouth Parcel”.
Right now the parcel has stopped at Salman Khurshid.

(February 11)

∙ BCCI gets in the “All Out” mode after WC…
Gary Kirsten: Out! Nimbus: Out! Sahara: Out! Kochi Tuskers: Out! Pune Warriors: Out! Test No. 1 Status: Out! Indian Batsmen on Foreign Pitches: All Out! Third Umpire Decision Pending: Dhoni’s Captaincy & Seniors’ place in Test side.

(February 10)

∙ Political parties boasting in India…
Your (scam) is bigger than mine!

(February 9)

∙ Overheard…
1. Rahul is not looking good, send someone more inexperienced to make him look good.
Enter Priyanka!
2. Priyanka is not looking good, send someone more inexperienced to make her look good.
Enter Robert!
P.S. Why no Raabberrt jokes, Ajit fans?

∙ 1919: Nehru Dynasty begins.
1966: Extended to Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty.
2012: Extended to Nehru-Gandhi-Vadra Dynasty?

License license na raha, service service na raha, spectrum hame tera aitbaar na raha…

(February 7)

∙ The RSS Pariwar finally has a foil.
The Gandhi-Vadra Pariwar!

∙ Revised Indian telecom slogans…
Ab mera number (kata) hai.
Har ek
operator zaroori nahin hota hai.

∙ New Congress UP election offer…
3 for the price of 1!
(Rahul-Priyanka-Robert)

(February 6)

∙ How will the great man’s career end?
Sachin: 100*.
Sachin: 99, Retired Hurt.

∙ Before the IPL auction, Bowler Jadeja goes for 5.33 R/O in a T20 game.
After the IPL auction, Bowler Jadeja goes for 15.37 R/O in an ODI game.
Hmmm…

(February 5)

∙ Right now the 3 Cs of entertainment in India are…
Cricket. Cinema. Corruption.

(February 4)

∙ Unknown Progressive Alliance…
“There are known knowns,” Donald Rumsfeld.
“There are unknown unknowns,” UPA.
Exact magnitude of the 2G scam: Unknown.
Army chief’s age: Unknown.
Time when Lokpal will be passed: Unknown.
What Manmohan knows about all these scams: Unknown.
Existence of Governance within UPA: Unknown.

∙ Brick and mortar company: Earns $1 billion, worth $1 billion.
IT Company: Earns $1 billion, worth $10 billion.
Facebook: Earns $1 billion, worth $100 billion.

(February 3)

∙ BCCI must be seriously thinking of opting out of Tests and launching T10 cricket.
ICC chief bhi apna aadmi hai.
Big 3 also can debut as this new format won’t be that taxing at their age.

∙ Egypt.
1953: Fight for Republic.
2011: Fight for democracy.
2012: Fight for football.

∙ Even in the last IPL, CSK won all their matches at home and lost most of their matches away.
It’s a simple case of home sickness for bechra Dhoni!

(February 3)

∙ In 2011, India entered the Golden Age of Journalism… no shortage of scams, stories, confrontations, snafus…

(February 2)

∙ Democracy is the worst form of government, but there is no better.
-GB Shaw
Dhoni is the worst Indian Test captain, but there is no better.
-BCCI

∙ 20 June 2011.
The last India won ANY international cricket match on foreign soil.
17 matches and counting.
Make it laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge!

(February 1)

© Sunil Rajguru

Books and Authors: Current Affairs

International…

A General out of his Labyrinth!—Asif Ali Zardari

All the Prime Minister’s Women—Silvio  Berlusconi

(A sequel to All the President’s Women by Bill Clinton)

A Tale of Two Revolutions—The Unknown Egyptian Protestor

Arms and the Afghan—Mullah Omar

Blind Men of Pakistan and the War Against Terror—Maulvi Jalaluddin Haqqani

Economy…

Book of (No) Job— The Unknown Wall Street Protestor

And Quiet Flows the Cash— Another Unknown Wall Street Protestor

I Bing—Bill Gates

National…

How to Lose Friends and Influence No People—Diggy Raja

Chronicle of a Scam Foretold—Subramanian Swamy

Waste Land: The Playing Fields of CWG & F1— Mani Shankar Aiyar

Catch-22—Manmohan Singh

Heir (Not So) Apparent: A Biography of Rahul Gandhi—Arvind Kejriwal

Pride and Prejudice—Manish Tiwari

Does the Empress of India have the Emperor of Maladies?—The Non-existent Indian Journalist

Much Ado About Nothing: The truth behind 2G—Kapil Sibal

My Prison Diary—Anna Hazare

Khan Wars—Kareena Kapoor

MMS & A Series of Unfortunate Events—Pranab Mukherjee

In Search of Rahul Gandhi—An Unknown Indian Citizen

2011: War Without Victory—Manmohan Singh

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Today’s random musings…

Look up and look down…
Vijay Mallya (Looking up): Can someone please bail me out?
Manmohan Singh (Looking up): Can someone please bail my government out?
Barack Obama (Looking up): Can someone please bail my country out?
God (Looking down): Can someone please bail me out of handling these humans?

The Modern Day Descartes
The Economy: I sink therefore I am.
Anna Hazare: I drink therefore I… Bam!
Indian Politician: I hoodwink therefore I am.
Social Media Enthusiast: I hyperlink therefore I am.

Differences in perspective
Rahul Gandhi on his “Join the poor” road show to a chaiwallah: Ek “By two” chai dena!
Mayawati to the Centre: Ek “By four” State dena!

The Law of Diminishing Returns
Rahul to Maya: Main tere tukde tukde kar doonga…
Maya to UP: Main tere tukde tukde kar doongi…
Rahul: Kya mujhe sirf ek tukda mil sakta hai?

Democracy versus Mobocracy
How many people does it take to elect a government in Egypt?
—30-40 million in a nationwide ballot.
How many people does it take to topple a government in Egypt?
—1 million at Tahrir Square!

Abbreviated governance…
BJP: 2G!
UPA: JPC!
BJP: CAG!
UPA: PAC!
BJP: PC!
UPA: CBI!

Spot the difference…
What’s the difference between Rahul Gandhi and LK Advani?
—Both want to be prime minister and are perpetually touring the country to achieve their ends, the only difference is that Rahul is Rathless.

Downright abysmal PJ of the day…

India without Kashmir will be like a headless chicken going Pak Pak Pak Pak PoK PoK PoK PoK…

© Sunil Rajguru

A government of extremes…

Sonia kam bolti hain aur baaki sab kuch jyaada hi,

Manmohan ki umar ab jyaada lagti aur Rahul ki kam,

Prices are continuously soaring and allies’ trust is crashing,

There’s inflation in the economy, but a recession in credibility,

Congress is 54 short of majority, but behaves as if it’s 54 in excess,

Rs 1.76 lakh crore bahut kam hai, par Team Anna Hazare ke hazaron kuch jyaada hi,

2014 bahut door hai aur 2011 ko jhelna bahut hi mushkil!

© Sunil Rajguru