The state of political advisors in India…

Recently, the Chief Minister of Karnataka has been in a spot of bother, seeking advice from his inner circle…

First Advisor: Step down for the good of the party.

Second Advisor: Make sure you and your near ones stay away from all land deals.

Third Advisor: We have a great array of legal options. Don’t worry!

Astrological Advisor: People are doing black magic against you. Do a Suryanamaskar in the buff to counter all that.

CM: What perfect sense my astrological advisor makes! All the others talk such downright nonsense!

© Sunil Rajguru

January 2011 Status Updates

• By Roger!
Federer nahin to Ferrer hi sahi.
A Rafa Slam? Nada yet!

(January 26)

• Quit Karnataka! Karnataka Chhodo!
(Yeddy launches his own Independence Movement against Gubernatorial Imperialism)

(January 25)

• Most tainted CM.
Most partisan Governor.
Opposition. Party 1: Most ineffective. Party 2: Most corrupt.
Karnataka take a bow, you are a superlative!

(January 24)

• SINGH is King!
S = Spectrum Scam.
I = IPL Scam.
N = Nuclear Logjam.
G = Games Scam.
H = Housing Scam.

(January 22)

• Karnataka, ek gone case…
Krishna kab ka gaya.
Dharam tha kya?
Kumaraswamy ruk ruk ke gaya.
Yeddy kab jaayega?

• Thousands of Swiss bank leads and clues through WikiLeaks.
Now will the Real Media do some hard work and unearth dozens of top leaders and industrialists or are they used to bani pakai kheer only?

• Coming Soon: A movie on the UPA regime called Black. In it, all the politicians will play blind, deaf and dumb to eradicating black money.

(January 21)

• Globalization Hope: That an Australian citizen’s International Website will expose the Swiss accounts of top Indian politicians for an even more dhamakedar 2011.

• Steve calling Apple…
iJobs iLeave uFinished.

• More movie ideas:
No One Built Adarsh.
No One Swindled CWG.
No Thing Was Lost in 2G…

• One fine day, a few hundred million people got up on Earth and felt different.
They acted differently, their personalities changed…
Great Ophiuchus!
The Zodiac never felt this crap…

• Why are they all going berserk on Koffee with Karan?
Is he the new High Priest of the Confession (Idiot) Box?
(But I’m not complaining)

• IMDb=Internet Male-viewers DataBase

(January 18)

• (Overheard)
Dada: Ye Indian Pappu League hai!
Pappu can’t play sala!

• IPL respects: Youth. All-rounders. Potential captains. Tamasha. Slam-Bang-Thank You-Men.
IPL disrespects: Age. Experience. Specialists. Rebels. Pakistanis. Long-term commitment.

• IPL4 Fact of the day: Dutchman Ryan ten Doeschate is more valuable than Dada, Lara, Gayle, Vaas, Mendis, Boucher, Gibbs… put together!

• With the amount of players unsold in IPL4, they could well have a parallel IPL, Ignored Premier League, if there are any takers.

(January 9)

• Kaun Banega Crorepati Cricket Chapter began today. Will end tomorrow. Will make many more crorepatis than the original KBC.

• Gail force knock down Dada. Gayle becomes a dadaji. Laxman Very Very Survives. Wall almost Deserted. Tata Lara. Kapubhigaya. Tamim Tamam. Swann Song. Wright’s Wrong. Mendis Stumped…

• IPL4: Million Dollar “Babies” on top.
Dadas, dadis, old Walls and Very Very Special old players at the bottom.

• 2G Scam Update: Since we (Cong) refuse to clean up our act, we’ll prove that the BJP is more corrupt than us. Works every time!

(January 8 )

• Pietersen: Eng won Ashes as I quit captaincy.
Collingwood: I’m going so Eng can be No 1.
New mantra? Absence makes the team grow stronger?

Dhoni ko Test series main harana mushkil hi nahi namumkin hai.
Iska hul ka talaash aath mulko ke captains kar rahe hai.

• Losing 1-3 on home? OK, the Aussie Era has finally ended. If only India had beaten SA 2-1, you could have said the baton has passed.

(January 7)

• Last 3 Ind-SA series:
1-1. 1-1. 1-1.
Someone please organize a tie-breaker Test on the world’s greenest pitch! That’s sure to get takers!

• 130/6 to 341.
Different years, different oppositions, different pitches, different fast bowling attacks, different captains…
…same story.

(January 6)

• With great Pawar comes great irresponsibility: Just look at the Maharashtra mess, cricket scandals, vegetable prices…

(January 5)

• OK, now the Congress is the perfect ABC of Corruption again: ARaja-Bofors-CWG. Ye party baaki sab ke liye ek Adarsh hai…

(January 4)

• Mail became Hot in 1996.
Search increased Googlefold in 1998.
Encyclopedias went Fast Fast (Wiki Wiki) in 2001.
In 2004, the Face of the World’s No. 1 Book was launched.
In 2010 Leaks went super Wiki.
Next is what?
Sheila ki Jawani aaye ya jaaye, Sallu ki Jawani jaane nahin waali. After 20 years still romancing young heroines and Sallu to Badnam Hai hi!

(January 4)

• The ABC of the PM’s troubles this term…
A for Andimuthu.
B for BJP.
C for CWG.

(January 3)

Last time humne SA ka durband bajaya tha!
Will the durbanators show up at Cape Town today?

(January 2)

• Arushi Case. Media went all out, gave 10 times more coverage than many serious issues. Result: Zero. Shows how powerful the media really is.

• I love the Aussies and South Africans.
They sledge for years. Indian cricketers take it.
When we merely give it back, they get defensive, go the the press, get upset and all righteous and holy and other crap…

• The reason the Citibank dude is in real trouble is because it’s only 300cr. In India the minimum limit is 1000cr for lifelong immunity.

(January 1)

© Sunil Rajguru

Karnataka: Some questions and answers…

Q: Who is the Leader of the Opposition in Karnataka?
A: The Governor.

Q: Why is the Centre not imposing President’s Rule in Karnataka?
A: Because it has already imposed Governor’s Rule.

Q: Why has all development in Karnataka either come to a standstill or is going at a snail’s pace?
A: Since an out and out pro-development CM SM Krishna was brutally booted out, subsequent rulers are convinced that the people of the state hate development and are working against it. Andhra Pradesh is also suffering for doing the same to Chadrababu Naidu. Also, corrupt CMs seem to have a greater chance of re-election.

Q: What is the land policy of Karnataka?
A: Equality for all politicians. Since it is perceived that the Congress and JD(S) have already taken over huge amounts of land, the BJP is desperately trying to achieve parity before it is toppled.

Q: Why is the Chief Minister of Karnataka not quitting?
A: If LK Advani can stay after the debacle of 2009, Narendra Modi can stay after Godhra, Manmohan Singh can stay after Adarsh, CWG, 2G etc, why punish poor Yeddy for much littler crimes?

Q: What does the future hold for Karnataka?
A: Not good I’m afraid. The poor electorate of Karnataka is totally confused. Was Congressman Dharam Singh the worst CM ever? Was JD(S) HD Kumaraswamy any good? Is BJP BSY the most corrupt? Is the Congress at the Centre totally destroying the state? Such questions usually lead to hung assemblies and general all-round instability.

© Sunil Rajguru

How to make Egg Broth, Karnataka Style

Set out to make an omelet.

Take a basket with 224 eggs.

Colour 110 saffron and the others in various other hues.

Poach another half-a-dozen eggs and try to paint them saffron too.

Scramble the rest and move on to other experiments

Some eggs will hate being boiled or fried and try to jump out of the pan.

Proceed to mix all of them to now make Egg Broth with a few dozen cooks supervising.

Egg roll… sorry drum roll… for the worst gastronomical disaster in recent times…

This version by Sunil Rajguru