How Congress slogans should actually change…

Then… and…

Garibi Hatao.
Congress Hatao.

Wipe every tear from every eye.
Wipe every Congress leader from every State.

Ho raha Bharat Nirman.
Ho raha Pappu Nirman.

Poori roti khayenge, Congress ko jitayenge.
Poora scam ka paisa khaayenge, desh ko dubaayenge.

Kattar soch nahin, yuva josh.
Kattar soch, nahin yuva josh.

Main nahih, hum.
Hum gaya tel lene, sirf main.

Vote for calf and cow,
Forget all others now,
Vote Congress.
Vote for cow slaughter,
Vote Congress.

Jai Jawan Jai Kisan.
OROP Jawan MNREGA Kisan.

Indira is India and India is Indira.
Sonia and Pappu are India and India is Sonia and Pappu.
(That doesn’t make any sense. Well, this party stopped making sense long back.)

Congress ka hath, Aam Aadmi ke saath
Congress ka hath, aam aadmi ko thappad.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Why Dhoni may have quit Tests…

Captaincy bhi main karu.

Wicket-keeping bhi main karu.

Batting main bhi mujhe 4 down karna pade.

Sidelined coach ka void bhi main bharu.

Batting collapses aur spineless bowling ko main jhelu.

Test losses ka gaaliyon ka bauchaar bhi main jhelu.

Aur ye sab ODI/IPL/T20s/media scrutiny ke bojh ke saath!

Bahut hua (Test) sammaan!

I quit!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru


What Vadra was actually saying…

Pappu: Can I be PM?
Vadra: #AreYouSerious?

Pappu: I’ll be the greatest PM ever.
Vadra: #AreYouNuts?

Pappu: Congress is a great party that will remove India of its poverty.
Vadra: #WhatsWrongWithYou?

Pappu: But Congress is such a great party!
Vadra: #ItsAMistake!

Pappu: But I am asking all the right questions!
Vadra: AndYoureTheRightPersonToAsk?

Pappu: A TV news channel is interviewing me right now!
Vadra: #PutYourCameraOff!

Pappu: Then who should be the PM of India!
Vadra: #MangoMan in a #BananaRepublic.

Modi: #HellYeah!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The BJP-Shiv Sena relationship status…

For 25 years: Happily married!

Some time back: Working on our relationship.

After that: It’s complicated.

Now: We haven’t the foggiest idea what our relationship status is!

Congress-NCP: We’ll have what they’re having.

MNS: Now in the relationship (or marriage) market.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

If Pappu had to answer these questions…

Q1: What is the capital of France?
A: The French people should be empowered.

Q2: What is the capital of Maharashtra?
A: We have introduced RTI and through that we can get the answer.

Q3: Name the top 3 scams of UPA2.
A: We have introduced Lokpal and six more bills are pending.

Q4: What is the square root of 9?
A: The system to get this answer has very sound fundamentals.

Q5: Why are you doing business with a corrupt person like Laloo?
A: Laloo is an idea. An idea is just an idea and cannot be corrupt.

Q6: How is the Congress not involved in 1984 and the BJP involved in 2002?
A: Because the Congress not involved in 1984 and the BJP is involved in 2002!

Q7: What is exactly going on in your mind?
A: I am not sure it is possible for RTI to be used in all possible situations and that system is not very sound on fundamentals.

Q8: How will you give power to the people?
A: By empowering them.

Q9: What are your views on woman empowerment?
A: Women should be given power.

Q10: Why aren’t you engaging in a debate with Modi?
A: Yes, we can debate that.

Q11: What do you think of AAP?
A: Koi AAP nahin, koi main nahin, sirf hum hai.

Q12: You are answering none of the above questions.
A: It is only by strengthening the fundamentals of the questions and thereby changing their system that you can empower the answers and even that is not possible because there are really no answers but just ideas and ideas are open and not closed to the system and this I learnt from my father who learnt it from my grandmother and I think that will finally prove to you that Congress was not responsible for 1984 and BJP was responsible for 2002 and this would have been evident had you exercised RTI which we implemented while our Lokpal will ensure that such tragedies will never happen again and hence it is not necessary to debate Modi and so when you understand this answer, you will have understood a little bit about who Rahul Gandhi is and what Rahul Gandhi’s circumstances have been and if you delve into that you will get an answer to the question of what Rahul Gandhi knows and what he does not know and how he is going to open up a closed system by opening up his brain in such fashion and that’s how I see more energy in India and no energy in all the other political parties put together and that’s the idea that the Congress (which itself is an idea) gives to India (which is also an idea) and to put it finally, I have absolutely no idea what I am talking about and that pertains any idea whatsoever.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

A day in the life of the average Congress spokesperson…

1. Get up in the morning and sing, “Saare jahaan se acchha, Pappustan hamara…”

2. Check Sonia Unhappiness Index mobile app.

3. Scan the newspapers for…
a. Congress misdeeds to see how it can all be blamed on Modi.
b. Check how many times Modi has been trashed as a measure of their victory.

4. Tweet silently cursing how the Congress hasn’t conquered Twitter yet.

5. Shout non-stop on TV channels all day.

6. Watch movies like Wag the Dog and wonder at the spin that can be achieved by any government.

7. Try writing books like How To Make Enemies and Still Influence People and hope it will be a best seller.

8. While sleeping, gargle to maintain most precious asset: The voice.

© Sunil Rajguru