Dear Prime Minister Narendra Modi,
Dear glorious citizens of India,
I would like to apply for the post of Prime Minister of India. First let me tell you a bit about myself.
Professional qualifications: I have studied something in some foreign universities and I did some work somewhere for some time, but please don’t ask anything more about all of it. I don’t like talking about all these experiences. You have to take my word for it.
Government experience: I have never been a central minister or Chief Minister or anything like that as it requires a lot of hard work. I have never been a bureaucrat. I have never been part of committees that did something ground-breaking. I inherited the constituency of Amethi in Uttar Pradesh and I have been hanging around in the
Lok Sabha (on and off) for a whopping 12 years now. But in my defence, that is far far more experience than any Nehru-Gandhi dynast had when he or she took over as Prime Minister.
Speeches: This is my biggest body of experience. I have made millions and millions of speeches in the length and breadth of this great land, in rural and urban centres and for Assembly and general elections. I believe I am already the most experienced speech giver in my party.
So what if I spout nonsense from time to time. So what if my speech writers appear to be imbeciles? So what if I’m met by empty venues at times? So what if none of my speeches can be converted to votes? So what if most of them are disastrous?
Please look at my immense body of work and honour it.
Social media presence: I have already become a legend in the social media circuit. If you combine all the word counts and images of all the Pappu jokes, spoofs and laughs on Twitter, Facebook and the like, then I have already surpassed the combined publicity of the entire Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty manifold.
Haven’t you heard of the phrase: There is no such thing as bad publicity! Even on YouTube, the 1 hour plus interview with Arnab Goswami making a fool of myself got a good 3.2 million views. The channel was really happy. In fact all media houses really adore me.
As it is most wise men are insisting that Gross National Happiness is more important than Gross Domestic Product. Think how much laughter and happiness I will be able to give to the country of India when I become Prime Minister!
My recent achievements: Our friend Kejriwal thrashed Modi in Delhi. The Mahagatbandhan thrashed Modi in Bihar. Modi got thrashed in Uttarakhand President’s Rule fiasco. Modi got thrashed in Arunachal Pradesh President’s Rule fiasco.
Even when Modi is not getting thrashed I am totally useless and Modi is doing so much work. Yet the media, intellectuals and liberals attack Modi far far more. That’s the power of my personality. If I become Prime Minister, I will have the entire mainstream media, intellectuals and liberals eating out of my hand. That hasn’t happened to Modi, has it?
My trump card: So why should I be made Prime Minister? It’s simple really.
1. My great grandfather was Prime Minister.
2. My grandmother was Prime Minister.
3. My uncle was de facto Prime Minister.
4. My father was Prime Minister.
5. My mother was de facto Prime Minister.
That’s five good reasons while the mean chaiwallah had none and still you made him Prime Minister! I am the system (at least I was till 2014) and therefore only I can really change the system.
Anyway, please do not worry as I am in no hurry. If things go wrong with the chaiwallah then I automatically win in 2019. If things go right then there’s always anti-incumbency in 2024. Even if that fails there’s always 2029 and 2034.
I can emulate Manmohan Singh chachaji. He became Prime Minister quite late. Come to think of it Morarji Desai first became Prime Minister at the age of 81! I will turn 81 in 2051. So that’s how long you have to bear me! Better to make me Prime Minister as early as possible and get it done with!
(P.S. When I finally become Prime Minister, I will require more than six months of vacation in a year. But I am very happy with the chaiwallah for setting precedence. I will simply try to break his foreign trips record. I can holiday for one month at a time and maybe have just a couple of chai meeting with foreign leaders to justify it! Chaiwallah zindabad! Actually come to think of it, I can simply take a vacation till 2019! Hmmm… how tempting!)
Yours in good earnest,
(In case you haven’t guessed it, this is a spoof about Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi)
© Sunil Rajguru
When Narendra Modi became Prime Minister in 2014, the first task he said to himself is, “I have to finish all my enemies for good.” So he promptly threw the national damaad Robert Vadra in jail and even opened up files regarding Priyanka Vadra’s multiple DINs and allocation of a Lutyens bungalow for her.
Modi then went full steam ahead in the National Herald case and also the AgustaWestland scam. That was enough to throw Congress President Sonia Gandhi into jail with a non-bailable warrant.
Former Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was investigated thoroughly in both 2G and Coalgate. P Chidambaram many allegations were also looked into. Both were summarily arrested.
Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi decided he couldn’t take the heat anymore and so he abdicated and took a permanent vacation to Spain. Old fogies like Digvijay Singh and Mani Shankar Aiyar realized their game was up and sank into comfortable retirement.
Next in line was the mainstream media. All major media houses were investigated for financial irregularities, Income Tax evasion, foreign exchange violations, links with Pakistani sources and anything else you could think of.
As a result dozens of media moguls and senior editors were thrown in jail with extremely dim prospects. Activists and NGOs all across India found themselves totally starved of all support and faded into oblivion. The powerful Lutyens Club of the nation’s capital was finally busted and the so-called liberals and intellectuals finally decided to keep their mouths shut for good.
Modi surveyed his domain and realized that he was the sole dictator and there was absolutely no Opposition. And he was pleased. Fascist dictator they said! Fascist dictator they got!
However after that things did not go exactly as planned.
The Congress party elected Jyotiraditya Scindia as their President and Sachin Pilot as their Vice President. The remaining old fogies couldn’t take it anymore and all the deadwood was finally jettisoned from the Grand Old Party.
This duo rejuvenated the party big time and all the State units were in turn galvanized. All the party’s young talent came to the fore and as a result they started attracting youngsters all over the country.
All the anti-Modi forces realized that in the post-Pappu era, the Congress finally had a chance of winning and flocked to the revamped party. In a few years nobody recognized it anymore as it became a brand new party simply brimming with new ideas and new talent.
The mainstream media meanwhile was also purged and the new breed of editors decided to do some honest and serious journalism for a change. So instead of indulging in blind meaningless Modi-bashing 24X7 as their predecessors had done, they started doing prim and proper investigative stories.
That ended in exposing a lot of so called stalwarts of the saffron party and Team Modi suddenly looked very vulnerable. They also punched many valid holes in many of his schemes and plans.
Twitter India which had got totally bored of Modi’s unchallenged domain and was discussing Bollywood, food fashion and cricket returned to politics with a bang. They jumped into the bandwagon and started taking all these issues with great gusto. Suddenly Modi’s 22 million odd followers seemed like a liability.
So in the end the New Congress, the New Mainstream Media and even a good part of the social media got together and launched a blistering attack on Modi’s Prime Ministership with cold facts and great ideas for a change.
As a result Modi got a heavy drubbing in the 2019 general elections and found his political career as good as dead…
Then Modi got up in a cold sweat fresh from this nightmare and vowed not to take any concrete action against Congress leaders and his enemies in the mainstream media and make sure they were all alive and kicking in the 2019 elections.
In fact they were his best bet of securing a second term!
Thanks to their intensely vitriolic 14-year attack he had won the 2002, 2007 and 2014 elections in style. He probably needed them more than he needed them!
In fact during the Delhi Assembly elections, Team Modi members had engaged too much with the media and were seen on all the channels all the time. That led to Modi’s first ever electoral drubbing in his entire life.
For Bihar the most reliable pollster Chanakya was giving the NDA close to two-thirds on the upper side making them rank favourites. The final blow came when NDTV declared them victors in their exit polls! Imagine Modi and NDTV on the same side! Sacrilege! No wonder they got plastered in Bihar too and a convict like Lalu romped home!
Modi wasn’t really used to being the favourite and thrived as an underdog. He had to get back to ignoring the media and being hated and attacked by the media. He took steps accordingly. He just had to make sure that Subramanian Swamy wouldn’t throw Sonia and Pappu in jail before 2019 and he was appeased with a Rajya Sabha seat.
And Modi and media lived happily ever after!
Actual Twitter exchange between US Presidential Republican candidate Donald Trump and Democrat candidate Hillary Clinton
Trump: Obama just endorsed Crooked Hillary. He wants four more years of Obama—but nobody else does!
Hillary: Delete your account.
Trump: How long did it take your staff of 823 people to think that up–and where are your 33,000 emails that you deleted?
So, this is how the Hillary-Trump debates will go then…
Hillary: You have made money from a corrupt private system.
Trump: You have made money from a corrupt government system.
Hillary: You should be jailed for your comments.
Trump: You should be jailed for your deeds.
Hillary: You are a misogynist.
Trump: Your husband is a bigger misogynist and you’re standing on his shoulders.
Hillary: You are a hated man!
Trump: You are more hated!
Hillary: Your party hates you!
Trump: So does yours!
Hillary: You will be a disaster as President!
Trump: You will be a bigger disaster!
Hillary: Your foreign policy will be a joke when you become President.
Trump: You foreign policy was a bigger joke when you were Secretary of State.
Hillary: You are a polarizing figure.
Trump: You are more polarizing.
Q: What are your qualifications?
Kejri: Modi has a fake degree.
Q: What is the Delhi Model?
Kejri: The Gujarat Model is a flop.
Q: There are many cases against AAP MLAs. Should they be arrested?
Kejri: Modi is not arresting Sonia because he is afraid of her.
Q: You haven’t ever attacked Sonia directly.
Kejri: Modi is not arresting Sonia because he is afraid of her.
Q: You have met many religious hardliners. Are you communal?
Kejri: Modi is communal.
Q: Modi is leading a power transformation in India.
Kejri: Power situation has deteriorated in Delhi. Modi is a flop.
Q: Private vehicles contribute to just 2-3% to air pollution. What’s the point of the odd and even scheme with all its exceptions?
Kejri: It is a conspiracy by Modi.
Q: Why are you spending so much money on ads all across India?
Kejri: Modi has spent more.
Q: But he is Prime Minister of all of India and you are Chief Minister of just New Delhi.
Kejri: Modi has spent more.
Q: What are your achievements?
Kejri: Modi is a failure.
© Sunil Rajguru
Communism is an authoritarian ideology which believes that the State is a dictator and all its citizens should be oppressed in perpetuity. It collapsed partially in China in 1978 and totally in the erstwhile USSR (The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics) in 1991, toppling all the Communist regimes in Europe. Experiments in Cuba and North Korea converted it into a full-fledged one-man dictatorship.
In 2016 there is still a desperate attempt to revive it through a handful of parties and student unions in India. Communism uses subterfuge, violence and aggressive agitations to push forward. It cleverly uses the clothes of utopia to dress a supremely dictatorial body.
It has fooled millions and millions of people and still rears its ugly head from time to time right in the middle of flourishing democracies like Arvind Kejriwal in New Delhi in 2013, Alexis Tsipras in Greece in 2015 and Bernie Sanders in America in 2016.
In the nineteenth century, it ruled the mind space of oppressed classes all over the world.
In the twentieth century, it ruled the mind space of governments all over the world.
In the twenty first century, it still rules the mind space of intelligentsia, liberals, seculars, academicians, universities, newspapers, magazines, TV channels and fringe political groups all over the world. These groups still hope and strive for total global domination.
Being atheist in nature, it abhors Right-wing groups from Christianity, Judaism and Hinduism, but curiously fully embraces far Right Muslim groups.
It is quite befitting that the founder Karl Marx never worked an honest day in his life and sponged off the kindness of others and Capitalism and was a Grade 1 Fart and Hypocrite.
Communism is like a virus which no matter how many times you eradicate, still comes back as a new strain. Once you get infected, you become totally immune to its million and one contradictions and want to just outrage for 24X7 for all the good and bad things in this world.
Synonyms: Anarchy, authoritarianism, dictatorship, ruin, financial collapse, genocide, hypocrisy, death…
Antonyms: Freedom, democracy, capitalism, happiness, life, prosperity, logic, common sense…
The flag of Communism is held high by the likes of Sonia Gandhi (India), Jeremy Corbyn (England) and Kim Jong-un (North Korea).
Even Nobel Laureates like Amartya Sen who should understand economics better are severely infected with a Communist strain.
It is associated with the colour red because it leads to bloodshed wherever it goes. Hitler wasn’t the biggest mass murderer of the twenty first century, but Communist leaders Stalin and Mao were.
Founded in 1848, it is yet to be eradicated 168 years after and continues with its onward march of destruction.
© Sunil Rajguru