The media will never stop hating Modi…

If anything bad happened in Gujarat, it is “Modi’s Gujarat”.
If anything bad happens in “Akhilesh’s Uttar Pradesh” or “Mamata’s West Bengal”, it becomes “Modi’s India”.

News headlines…
Sonia gets…
0/100—Boycott news.
1/100—Gains a point!
10/100—Reaches double figures!
30/100—Good effort!
Modi gets…
74/100—Misses distinction!
99/100—Fails to get full marks!
100/100—Sets high expectations for future!
Keeps getting 100—Boycott news.

© Sunil Rajguru

September 2015 Status Updates


Indian parents move Supreme Court for Diwali cracker ban on behalf of babies.
What if babies grow up and decide to burst crackers wholesale?

Water (Earth) water (Moon) everywhere (Mars)…

(September 30)

To be attacked by your enemies means you’re doing something right.
Everybody is right on Twitter.

The irony of Indian Communists screaming Fascist Hitler Modi is that all of them would have been jailed/executed had India indeed been a Communist country.

(September 29)

Kejri baba…
One-third of MPs are chargesheeted. Bring us to power and we will show you.
One-third AAP MLAs are chargesheeted. Suckers!

(September 25)

Smriti: I will make Swamy JNU VC.
Opposition: Anyone but Swamy!
Smriti: OK done! Now I can hire “anyone”.

(September 24)

Not only does India have Freedom of Speech, but it also has Great Freedom to Talk Great Shit.

Post-Arab Spring…
Egypt: Dictator returns.
Syria: Civil war.
Libya: Anarchy.
Yemen: Civil war.
Iraq: Disintegrating.
Post-2011 August Kranti…
Delhi: Heading to anarchy.
Lokpal: Yet to be appointed.

(September 21)

When he makes charges against his opponents, they’ll say, “Oh! These are all Trumped up charges!”

James Bond bikers
+ Roadhog truckers
+ “Mere baap ka road” luxury cars
+ Anachronistic tractors
+ Bewildered cyclists
+ Universal rule breakers
+ 10 million decibels of honking
= The perfect Indian road.

One should be “fair” in life.
Global definition: Free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice.
Indian definition: Of a light hue; not dark: pleasing in appearance; attractive: free from blemish, imperfection, or anything that impairs the appearance, quality, or character.

(September 20)

Next US President…
Bush the Third.
Clinton the Second.
Trump the First.

(September 17)

Laloo and Mulayam were having a competition, “Who’s the worst CM?”
Nitish said, “Can I participate?”
Laloo said yes and Mulayam walked out in a huff.

West Asia…
We’ll take maximum refugees: Europe.
We’ll take maximum oil: America.
We’ll take maximum money: Its leaders.
We’ll take maximum suffering: Its citizens.

Dharam: Basanti, in kutto ke saamne mat naachna!
Somnath: Kutte, in bandho ke saamne mat kaatna!

If Somnath’s dog ate Indrani’s sandwich, it would become biggest story of 2015.

(September 16)

South China Sea ours as it’s got China in it: Chinese official.
Indians: OK!
South China Sea = 3.5 million sq km.
Indian Ocean = 73.5 million sq km.

(September 15)

Pappu is a bowler who can bowl hundreds of balls.
Modi is a batsman who we declared out first ball.
Why is he still batting?
—Adarsh Liberals.

Trolls also get trolled as do trolls of trolls as on Twitter each and every account is a Troll according to at least one other account.

Sonia gets 0/10.
Adarsh liberals: OK.
Adarsh liberals: Modi should get 10/10.
Adarsh liberals: Modi got 9/10, way below expectations!

(September 9)

If Pakistan says Kashmir is disputed, India should say no, it’s actually Balochistan.
If China says Arunachal is disputed, India should say no, it’s actually Tibet and Taiwan.

News from India…
For serious stuff, watch BBC, CNN, Al Jazeera…
For meaningless trivia, watch NDTV, CNN-IBN, Times Now…

Definition of Broadband…
PM (Pre-Modi)…
AM (After-Modi)…
Virtual acche din to aa gaye!

(September 8)

Even when Sonia destroys the nation she is praised.
Even a zero-achievement politician Laloo is praised.
Even when Modi delivers the goods, he is abused.

(September 6)

Coming soon all over India…
Aapko agitation ki Hardik shubh kaamnaaye.

(September 5)

Janata Pari“War”…
SP & JDU-RJD fight before elections.
If they win, JDU & RJD will fight after elections.

(September 3)

Iron Man I: Patel—united India.
Iron Man II: Advani—united BJP vote bank.
Iron Man III: Modi—united anti-Congress groups.
Iron Man IV: Hardik—uniting all loonies.

The fall…
From controlling a Prime Minister to leaning on a corrupt former Chief Minister.
From future Prime Minister to wannabe Leader of Opposition.
From Grand Old Party to Gone Ancient Party.

(September 1)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru