More and more Congressi musings…

Still could happen one day…
Sonia—President of India.
Pappini—Foreign Minister.
Vadra—Health Minister.
Sanjay Jha—I&B Minister.

The Congress has floated a new organization called Congress (Lok Sabha) and declared independence from Parliament.

The Congress might as well set up a cushy tent outside the Lok Sabha and stay there doing their dharnas till 2019.

BJP Vadra ko to touch bhi nahin kar paaya to Sonia ke khilaaf kabhi kya action lega?

Why aren’t you arresting Vadra?
BJP—If we do, then Congress will hold Parliament ransom and not pass any bills!
Well they are doing that now aren’t they?
BJP—Errr… we sent privilege notice!

Number of years as MP before becoming PM…
Sanjay—0 (When de facto PM).
Sonia—0 (When she was first offered the post).
Pappu will be most experienced when he becomes PM (Already has 11* years’ experience!).

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Raj karega Pappu ek na ek din…

1998—Installs worst party president.
2004— Installs worst Prime Minister.
2007— Installs worst President.
Sonia to Pappu—Beta tumhe hamare saare records break karna hai!

Pappu’s Chief Advisor should be called SuperPappu.
(Either that or he’s a brilliant RSS agent)

Sonia still has immunity.
Pappu on Bharat Darshan.
Pappini having fun.
Vadra ranting at will.
GenNext being promoted.
Who said the Dynasty lost in 2014?

If you hang around long enough, I’ll eventually make you Prime Minister.
—Electorate to every Nehru-Gandhi Dynast.
Can’t blame Pappu for generally hanging around and doing nothing!

By being born into the Dynasty, Pappu took a head start in life in 1970.
That’s where he still is.
Those born in that year have marched way ahead since then.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

July 2015 Status Updates

Jis college main Bheeshma (Mukesh Khanna) aur Indrajit (Vijay Arora) pade ho, uske principal Yudhisthira (Gajendra Chauhan) kaise ban sakte hai?

(July 31)

In the last instalment of Jurassic Park/World, a comet will wipe out the humans and dinosaurs will reclaim the Earth.

(July 29)

Indian cricket mantra…
It is better to have fixed a match and been declared innocent rather than not to have fixed at all in the first place.

After 10 years Azhar will head ICC, Sreesanth BCCI and Meiyappan IPL while fans will still be screaming for cricket clean-up.

(July 27)

Celebrity Tweets…
Let’s eat, people.
Gets 1 million ReTweets.
Twitter allows edit of Tweets.
Celebrity changes it to…
Let’s eat people.
The 1 million ReTweets stay.
TwitterVerse goes from gourmet to cannibal in one shot!

Misgovernance <check>
Crime <check>
Corruption <check>
Nepotism <check>
Conviction <check>
Casteism <check>
Love of media <check>

Convicted Laloo is OK.
National Herald accused Sonia/Pappu is OK.
But Arnab accused Sushma must resign as once.

(July 25)

On February 10, 2015, the city of New Delhi officially committed suicide.

(July 24)

Whenever Australia and England play Tests, it’s the Ashes.
Whenever India and Sri Lanka play cricket, interest is reduced to ashes.

(July 23)

2015: Two temporary teams brings total back to 8.
2016: CSK & RR manage to play through some loophole, total now 10.
IPL wins yet again.

(July 21)

Year of founding of various IT companies/websites…
1975: Microsoft.
1976: Apple.
1981: Infosys.
1998: Google.
2001: Wikipedia.
2004: Facebook.
2005: YouTube.
2006: Twitter.
2006: WikiLeaks.
2009: WhatsApp
Spot the least innovative.

(July 20)

If you needed just one vote to be called a troll, then Twitter is full of 100% trolls.

Radiation from the remnants of the Big Bang conclusively proves that Rajiv created the universe as part of Congress Antriksh Banao Yojana.

Sachin’s records…
Virat Kohli will break ‘em all in ODIs and Steven Smith will plunder ‘em all in Tests.
‪#‎AusVsEng‬ ‪#‎Ashes‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

Pakistani 1: This drone says “Made in China”.
Pakistani 2: Then it could have come from any part of the world!

The Indo-Pak solution is barred and sealed with a LoCK with no key in sight.
(LoCK = Line of Control and Kashmir)

(July 17)

Baahubali I & II together may well gross Rs 1,000 crores worldwide in 2015.
Ab tera kya hoga re Bollywood Rs 100 crore club?

Baahubali Express creates Dhoom and gives Kick to 3 K̶h̶a̶n̶s̶ ̶ Idiots film collections. It’s Bang Bang! at the box office! PK aaya nahin, PK gaya!

(July 16)

Love the enemies, US style…
We love both India and Pakistan.
We love both Saudi Arabia and Iran.

Modi—Can you bring peace?
Nawaz—I’ll ask the General.
The General—I’ll ask Obama.
Obama—I’ll ask the Military-Industrial complex.

(July 15)

If you needed just one vote to be called a troll, then Twitter is full of 100% trolls.

I ran away with the credit—Iran.
Is real?—Israel.
Yes, it is, trust us—US.

We have signed a nuclear deal: US-Iran.
It won’t do. We want a new clear deal: Israel.

Will any Indian win a Wimbledon single’s title?
Will any Indian participate in a single’s Wimbledon tournament?

Awesome trivalry…
FedEx—Had those 2 not been there, I’d have got 20 titles years back!
Nadal—Had those 2 not been there, I’d get 20!
Djoko—Had those 2 not been there, I’d have been the greatest!

Azhar made his captaincy debut in 1989 and Rahane in 2015.
Bhajji has played under both of them.

Articles/controversies/commentaries on Chetan Bhagat books/articles are far more entertaining and superior than books/articles themselves.

(July 14)

Using cancer (Army dictatorship) and AIDS (terrorism) to treat a sick man (Pakistan) with a remote control thousands of kilometres away (America).

(July 5)

1947—Foreign Independence.
1991—Economic Independence.
2014—Political Independence.

The Nehru-Gandhi dynasty actually lives abroad and holidays in India quite frequently.
Pappu is the ultimate Non Resident Politician.

Future of films…

Need just one superhit film for tremendous ROI.

Wanted desperately a Terminator to terminate the Terminator film franchise.

ISRO: We sent Mangalyaan to Mars in Rs 450+ crores.
AAP: We sent Yugpurush to Saatwa Aasmaan in Rs 500+ crores!

Jitna kaam* Sheila ne 15 saal main nahin kiya, us-se jyaada Kejri ne 6 mahine main kar dikhaya.
(*=The kaam of spending money on government ads.)

(July 4)

The Twitter Barney theme song…
I hate you, you hate me,
We’re an angry family,
With a great big mute and a block from me to you,
But then you won’t be able to ReTweet me, boo hoo!

I am LokAAyukta.
Deputy: Please become LokJAAyukta.

Rohit—Main captain kyun nahin bana?
Board—Rahane de, tujh se nahi ho paayega.

Problem with Twitter…
If I do it—Constructive criticism/harmless fun/freedom of speech and expression.
If you do it—Abusive troll!

(July 2)

© Sunil Rajguru

Yakub hanging musings…

Fact 1…
Mao Zedong killed millions.
Fact 2…
Josef Stalin killed millions.
Fact 3…
Worshippers of Mao and Stalin in India want the death penalty to be abolished.

1993—Mumbai blasts.
1994—Yakub Memon held.
2007—Yakub nailed by TADA.
2013—SC sentences Yakub to death.
2015—Modi hanged Yakub!!!

Since 9/11 60K Pakistanis have been killed in terror attacks in Pakistan.
When they don’t care for their own why will they try to stop terror attacks in India?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru