Musings from Trent Bridge…

New cricketing mantras…
Bhajji: Make life Large. (Large bowling averages and Large batting errors)
Dhoni: Make life Different. (Effect unheard of batting collapses and opposition tail onslaughts)
England: Make life Broad. (And then celebrate with Strauss beer)

The new Mr India…
Rahul Dravid. India ko 15 saalo se bacha raha hai, phir bhi koi use dekh hi nahin sakta! Bus doosro ki centuries ki hi padi rahati hai!

Strange Weather…
When its fully cloudy, it rains wickets.
When its sunny, the runs shine.
When its India, a wicket downpour can come from the middle of a beautiful blue sky.

Myth: Lemmings commit mass suicide. If one jumps, the others merely follow.
Fact: On Saturday, Yuvraj Singh became the Prime Lemming of Trent Bridge.

© Sunil Rajguru

Overheard 7…

Naagrik: Doodh main kyu paani mila rahe ho bhai?
Doodhwala: To kya kar loge ji?

Anna: Lokpal Bill main kyun paani mila rahe ho bhai?
Pradhan Mantri: To kya kar loge ji?

Pak PM: Indo-Pak relations need to be energized with a bit of youth.
Result: Hina! Hina! Hina!

The misunderstood media moghul…

Murdoch: Mobilize all the hacks!
What really happened: All the mobiles were hacked!

Murdoch: I’ve been attacked so much that the news of the world should be shut down for me.
What really happened: The News of the World shut down.

Murdoch: This is the most humiliating day of my life!
What was really reported: This is the most humbling day of my life.

© Sunil Rajguru

New millennium journalistic terms…

Wiki: Fast. Really fast. Anything that breaks into the public domain instantaneously. Its opposite is “print”.

Leak: The term that has rendered all words like “scoop”, “exclusive” and “breaking news” redundant. If it will leak, it will leak into the Internet domain first.

Mobile Hack: A hack who hacks into a mobile in an effort to get desperate news to supplement a declining print venture.

Breaking News: A non-existent term full of sound and fury signifying nothing. (But something which the old school of journalism will not let go of at any cost.)

Exclusive: Means you were alone in a one-on-one chat with a celebrity who was telling you something that he or she had Tweeted to his or her millions of followers a few hours earlier.

Social Networking: The primary source for direct quotes of famous people and celebrities.

Cut and Paste: The secondary term for secondary sources which have become a primary source of news and been passed off as a primary news gathering device.

Cut and Paste and Rewrite: A much more polished form of Cut and Paste, as above.

Lead: Something earlier happened once a day, but now happens at least once every five minutes.

A Julian Assange: Someone who’s in trouble because he has leaked the secrets of the high and mighty of the world.

A Rupert Murdoch: Someone who’s in trouble because his own sordid secrets have been leaked to the world.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Mumbai blasts… it’s just empty words and grave numbers…

Dear Rahul Gandhi,
You say 1% incidents will take place.
Can you give an account of the 99% that were stopped?
For example in the last decade alone there have been six major attacks on Mumbai.
Can you give an account of the 594 foiled attacks?
It’s simple mathematics.

Dear Diggy Raja,
You are right.
We are much better than Pakistan.
And oh by the way, you sure are giving the Pakistani politicians a run for their money!

Dear Ashok Chavan,
You claim to have had a “shocking and unacceptable” communication breakdown that unnerved you?
Welcome to our world.
Citizens of India have been unnerved by a shocking and unacceptable breakdown between them and politicians on issues like terrorism and corruption for more than 15 years now.

Dear Manmohan Singh,
When it comes to Mumbai, it is better to be Safe than to be Resilient.

Dear P Chidambaram,
Of course there was no Intelligence Failure.
For that, there has to be Political Intelligence in the first place.

Dear Manmohan Singh,
Element of surprise?
What do you expect?
Terrorists will call you and then strike?
Even if they did that, one wonders whether the state apparatus would still be able to do anything.

…justice will be done… high time… enough is enough… we will unitedly fight… remain calm… resilience… perpetrators will be caught… terror will not be tolerated… are just empty words which have got merged with grave numbers… 12/3… 23/1… 2/11… 13/3… 25/8… 11/7… 26/11… 13/7…

(These versions by Sunil Rajguru)

India should change its name to Billiondia…

In 1974, economist Edmar Bacha called Brazil “Belindia”.

What he meant was that a fraction of Brazil was as rich as Belgium while the majority was as poor as India.

While most Indians would find that nickname quite quite disparaging, both Brazil and India have come a long long way becoming part of the upcoming BRICS countries in 2011.

India has a record number of dollar billionaires (in the emerging countries). No-one talks anything than billions these days when it comes to any deal or scam.

India is truly “Billiondia”…

Billions in the pockets of the corrupt…

Billions siphoned off from myriad schemes…

Billions evaded in taxes, personal and commercial…

Billions stashed in Swiss banks…

Billions lying idle in temple complexes…

Billions gained and lost over thin air known technically as spectrum…

And finally, the thing that truly defines us…

More than a Billion Lower Class No-hopers and Middle Class Sloggers who have absolutely no share or say or hope in the billions and billions mentioned above…

© Sunil Rajguru

Those lucky Bollywood star children…

Tere baap ka raj hain kya?
Abhisheik Bachchan: Haan!

Don ko remake karta hai? Woh kahani kya tere baap ne likhi thi?
Farhan Akhtar: Haan!

Mere paas talent hain, tere paas kya hain?
Kareena: Mere paas maa, baap, behen, chacha, chachi, dada, pardada, chachera bhai…

Tu jaanta nahin mera baap kaun hai?
Aur mera baap?
Aur mera?
Saala, Bollywood
movies hi nahin dekhta!

© Sunil Rajguru