Assembly poll musings…

Jaya ho!
Lal Salaam Tamaam.

Bonus: No ji to the 2G team!

Pendulum, pendulum, yes papa!
Still swinging results, no papa!
Open the ballot boxes, ha ha ha!
(Hail to the Tamil Nadu voters. No matter how good or a bad government, it will be booted out anyway!)
The only constant is change (of a Tamil Nadu government)

Congratulations national capital!
The Mamata Derail Express has just left New Delhi for good, making its way to West Bengal to ply there for 5 years.
(A lesson on how to replace a really bad government with one that promises to be much worse.)

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Diary of a Trainee Prime Minister…

∙ Wear a white kurta pyjama at least 1000 times. Check.

∙ Say at least a 100 times that you don’t want to be Prime Minister. Check.

∙ Be a humble party worker for many years. Check.

∙ Eat in a rural home and sleep there. Check.

∙ Carry a pile of dirt in a vessel on a shoulder with a farmer. Check.

∙ Travel by a local train. Check.

∙ Tour India (almost) like Mahatma Gandhi. Check.

∙ Get credit for a Lok Sabha national victory. Check.

∙ Take potshots at major opposition leaders. Check.

∙ Travel by bike on a rural dirt road. Check.

∙ Participate in a dharna. Check.

∙ Get arrested. Check.

Next is what?

P.S. If the direct descendant of three prime ministers has to sit on a dharna in this country, then what hope is there for the rest of mere mortals?

This Version by Sunil rajguru

Pakistan’s Blowin in the Wind…

Dedicated to the Pakistani government over their policy of pretending that terrorists do not exist in their land and due apologies to Bob Dylan and his immortal song Blowin in the wind

How many false roads must a government walk down,
Before you can see through the lies?
Through how many lies must a truth have to sail,
Before its crushed into the land?
Yes, an’ how many times must the terror bullets fly,
Before they’re forever banned?

The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind,
The answer is blowin’ in the wind.

How many years can a mountain of lies exist,
Before it is washed to the sea?
Yes, an’ how many years can some terrorists exist,
Before they’re not allowed to be free?
Yes, an’ how many times must a government turn its head,
An’ pretend that it just doesn’t see?

The answer, my friend, it is blowin’ in the wind,
An’ the answer is blowin’ in the wind.

How many times must a government look down,
Before it can stare truth in the eye?
Yes, an’ how many ears must the State have,
Before they can hear people cry?
Yes, an’ how many deaths will it take until they know,
That too many people have died?

The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind,
The answer is blowin’ in the wind.

(Original Song: Blowin in the wind
Singer: Bob Dylan
Year: 1963)

This spoof by Sunil Rajguru

Facebook Status Updates post Osama killing

Obama has just caught and killed Osama
–>1,234,341 people Like this Status
Zardari–>Really? When? Don’t tell me!
ISI–>We also helped, but you’ll never know.
Taliban–>We know and we’ll show you, just you wait!
Chidambaram–>Ab hamari baari hai.
Zardari–>Don’t try to spoil the moment. Shoo!

General Kayani has just changed his status from “Lay off US” to “Lay off India”

Manmohan–>But what about our talks?
Sonia–>I think its time you concentrated on the domestic scene for a change
Manmohan–>Yes, Soniaji!
General Kayani–>Guys, please lay off my Wall!

Al-Zawahari has just deleted the Ultra Secret Closed Group “Osama Speaks”

Al-Zawahari has just been promoted to head of Al-Qaeda

Obama played the Mystic Tarot Game
And the Answer is: Your Rajyoga will continue till 2017
–>234 Republicans dislike this status

Abbottabad Osama Memorial Haveli Page created
–>1,234,342 have become fans

ISI has just put the Abbottabad Osama Memorial Haveli on sale
–>Last bidder bid $456 million…

A Pakistan Citizen is feeling sad that Osama is no more
–>1,234,342 people Like this Status

Can you please please call us? Too many misunderstandings to sort out.
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Zardari clicked the “Remove Friend” button on Obama’s profile by mistake, since then, they have become Friends again

Barack Obama sent George W Bush an invitation using Catch the Terrorist virtual game:
I challenge you to a game of Catch the Terrorist. I just scored 23,400 points in the game.
Think you can beat me?
P.S. I caught Osama and you didn’t!

Dawood has just deleted his Facebook account

ISI tried to join the Group CIA, but was denied access

David Cameron became a fan of Obama

Al-Qaeda has petitioned Facebook to make an “Add Enemies” application

Obama requests all his detractors to lay off, now that he has beaten the daylights out of all Republicans in catching terrorists.
P.S. I have a Nobel Peace Prize too!

This version By Sunil Rajguru

More Osama “death” musings…

Thus spake Obama…

Our supporters want to see the photos. To hell with them.
Our enemies will not like to see the photos. We bow to them.
Conspiracy theorists say he isn’t dead. Here, take more fuel.

P.S. Even I haven’t seen the body myself, but I believe the CIA, which has never lied in its life! Plus as a naive gullible powerful leader, I believe that it is impossible to fake videos, photos and DNA tests and it is also impossible for anyone to lie to a US president!

∙ America has been applying so much pressure on Pakistan, that its spine has sunk into the Indian Ocean. Efforts to locate it will be tougher than the search for Osama.

∙ You really can’t blame Pakistan. It has so many terrorists, that it’s quite difficult to keep track. Maybe it should have a yearly census!

∙ Pakistan has been very worried about Kashmir.
Pakistan has been very worried about Afghanistan.
Pakistan has been very worried about India.
If only Pakistan was so worried about Pakistan!

∙ The burqa should not be banned. In fact, certain men in the Pakistani government should take to wearing it from now on…

∙ Why no Rajnikant jokes on this?
Here’s a pretty lame attempt…
Rajnikant was busy shooting for Robot, Sivaji etc all this while and he lost track of Osama. Last month he called up Obama and asked him why Osama wasn’t caught yet. Obama got scared, the CIA went into overdrive and Osama panicked. The rest is history.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Na toone Osama dekha, na maine Osama dekha…

When the Pakistan President met the ISI chief after the Osama killing, this is what they sang to each other…

(Please sing to the tune of Dono jawani ki masti main choor from the film Coolie)

Dono anaadi ke masti main choor,
Tera kasoor na mera kasoor.

Na toone Osama dekha, na maine Osama dekha,
Par Osama pakda gaya ho Rabba Rabba,
Incident ho gaya, disagreement ho gaya,
Permanent ho gaya Rabba Rabba.

Hum do anaadi na dekhi Abbottobad ki haveli,
Na dekha uski parchai,
(Par ye samundar main dal di ye kiski body?)
Na toone choppers dekhe, na maine choppers dekhe
Par Osama pakda gaya…

Lagta hamari matthi maari gayi thi,
Par India ki bhi kuch galti thi,
Mausam ki bhi kuch neeyat kharab thi,
Na toone khatra dekha, na maine khatra dekha,
Par Osama pakda gaya…

Arre nuksaan saara to bharna padega O bharna padega,
Ab humko Amrika ke saamne jhukna hi padega.
Na toone khabar leak ki, na maine khabar leak ki,
Par Osama pakda gaya…

(Original Song: Dono jawani ki masti
Film: Coolie
Year: 1983)

This spoof by Sunil Rajguru