It’s so funny that…

* The real world full of rich colour, smells, tastes and unbeatable experiences is called the “off”line world.

* A PhD genius not using a computer is an “illiterate”.

* You never count your friends in real life but know exactly how many friends you have in each networking site.

* In the real world your parents may be the best of friends, but you’d hate to add them as friends in a social networking site even though you’ve added hundreds (or at least dozens) of people you just about vaguely know.

* In the real life if someone tells you that you’ve won a million dollars, you’d tell him to get lost.
But when you get an email with the same thing, you actually believe it.

* Chatting is not something done in real life over a cup of tea or coffee.

* If you saw someone slapping someone, you’d run away in disgust.
But in the virtual world, it’s OK to kill a few thousand innocent virtual lives and destroy virtual cities: All in a day’s work.

* You want to moonlight as a farmer, though only virtually.

* Recently, you have keyed in more words for “social networking” people you have never met than spoken words with your best of friends.

* The good ole solid reliable postal service that we used to exchange endless letters, greeting cards and packages is called “snail”mail.

* Something that keeps hanging, crashing, has to be continuously updated, spoils your eyes and fingers is cool while something solid and reliable and not requiring updates is not.

Which is the real world and which is the virtual one?

© Sunil Rajguru

Overheard on Facebook…

* My life is like an open Facebook, everyone knows what I’m doing.

* It’s not what you are thinking… we’re just Facebook friends.

* If you don’t like me, you can at least like my statuses.

* You call me your friend and never even bother to tag me!

* Nobody likes me and nobody even reads my Notes.

* I’m detoxifying my mind. I won’t log in to Facebook for a week.

* I haven’t seen you on Facebook for ages. Is everything OK?

* Didn’t I meet you in Farmville once?

* I never met her. She was just a Facebook friend.

* Sorry, but all our Facebook quizzes show that we are incompatible.

* Forget him, he’s just a mere Orkuter.

© Sunil Rajguru

4 reasons why this austerity drive should stop…

The Global Slowdown has been on for what seems like forever (in fact, the economy may even be on an upward swing now) but suddenly India is seeing a political austerity drive. The high and mighty will no longer stay in five star hotels. They will travel by economy class in air and also use trains. While some have welcomed it, I don’t support it at all. Here are my four reasons for doing so…

Whither Security?

Stop being partisan or cynical for a minute: I would want my Prime Minister and the top people who run this country to be safe. While the number of all-out wars may be going down in the world the number of relatively small-scale attacks is on the rise. When a VVIP goes by a private or Air Force jet, it is very difficult for someone to infiltrate. Not so with economy class. Any troublemaker could come as a passenger.
And if the VVIP is at risk, isn’t so the public travelling along?
Future Prime Minister potential Rahul Gandhi’s train got attacked the very first time he went austere. I don’t see this as a long-term solution.

Grave Public Inconvenience

VVIPs and the Common Man live in two different worlds. And rightly so! I remember from my college days, whenever the Prime Minister would visit Bangalore, traffic jams would see some people being stuck for 4-6 hours! Let them all travel in luxury helicopters all the time. Both worlds would be happy. Imagine if you were sitting in an Air India plane where the top five rows were reserved for security and a VVIP entourage:

1. Movement would be restricted.
2. All the airhostesses and stewards would be busy with the “front-seaters” and you might be left high and dry.
3. If the back loo was out of order, then you might not be able to use the front loo for security reasons!

They are entitled to it man!

The bigger the company: The bigger the perks. The bigger the rank: The greater the luxury. It’s as simple as that. It applies to every company and most governments in the world. India’s GDP stands at more than a trillion dollars!
That’s more than $1,000,000,000,000.
When the top executives of billion dollar companies travel in fancy cars and business class, what’s wrong with high-profile politicians doing the same? Whether you like it or not, they are the country’s custodians.

Whither Real Issues?

In 2009, Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee presented a budget of Rs 1000,000 crore! Out of that about Rs 39,000 crore was for the National Rural Employment Guarantee Scheme, more than Rs 12,000 crore was for the National Rural Health Mission and Rs 15,000 crore plus was for highways. That’s what the Finance Minister should concern himself with. Roads. Agriculture. Education. Basic amenities… All this austerity and “no five star” talk will save a few crore rupees at best: That’s peanuts. By doing such stunts, attention is being diverted from the real issues.

Austerity, then, is a Red Herring.

© Sunil Rajguru

Contemporary Knock Knock jokes 2

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Chandra.
Chandra who?
Chandrayawn it should be—it’s permanently gone to sleep.

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Bangalore.
Bangalorewho?
Bengaluru, yes, that’s the new name of Bangalore.

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Jinnah.
Jinnah who?
I gather you haven’t been following the current BJP crisis.

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Jaswant.
Jaswant who?
Jus’ went for a trip down memory lane and look what happened!

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Jet.
Jet who?
Jet set go… the airlines will be gone at this rate.

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Delhi Metro.
Delhi Metro who?
Delay Metro is what it will be called at this rate.

© Sunil Rajguru

Thak Thak Chutkule 2: Alphabet Soup

(Knock Knock Jokes in Hindi)

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
GK.
GK Kaun?
Jee ke kya karna hain, ab hum mar hi jaate hain!

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
AB.
AB kaun?
AB koi zindagi hain bhaaya?

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Q.
Q kaun?
Kyu, kaun, kab, kaise, kahan… ye sab sawal hum bhi pooch rahe hain…

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
AC.
AC kaun?
Aisi ki taisi sab ki ho jaaye.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
AB.
AB kaun?
AB maane Big B ko nahin jaante kya? Hindustani nahin ho kya bhaaya?

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
DD.
DD kaun?
Didi tera dewar deewana…

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
BB.
BB kaun?
Bibi ne ghar se nikaal diya bhaaya, isiliye main aapke ghar aaya hu.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
U.
U kaun?
Yuhi chala aaya aap se milne bhaaya.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
CD.
CD kaun?
Seedhi tarah se darwaza nahin kholega to tod doonga bhaaya!

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
EC.
EC kaun?
Isi wajeh se aap shakki kahalate ho bhaaya, kabhi kabhi darwaza khol ke bhi dekha karo.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
PK.
PK kaun?
Peeke koi nahin aaya aaj, hum sab sober hain.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
GO.
GO kaun?
Jeeo to shaan se jeeo!

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
IO.
IO kaun?
Aiyyo main hi hu re!

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
GA.
GA kaun?
Jeeye to jeeye kaise…

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
G1.
G1 kaun?
Jeevan kya hain, koi nahin jaane.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
PR.
PR kaun?
Pyar se nahin pooch sakte kya bhaaya?

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
PRVR.
Pyaar Vyaar, dil vil, main kya jaanu re!

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
SI.
SI kaun?
Aisa hain ki aap darwaza jaldi kholiye, mujhe bathroom jaana hain.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
CT.
CT kaun?
Seeti koi baja raha tha. Maine bhi suna!

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
BD.
BD kaun?
Bidi jalayeliyo bhaaya.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
AG.
AG kaun?
AG OG lo ji suno ji, main hum manmoji, 1 2 ka 4, 4 to ka 1, my name is Lakhan.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
SQ.
SQ kaun?
Aise kyu poochte rahate ho jab dekho bhaaya!

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
KC.
KC kaun?
Kaisi thi maine bhi nahin dekha!

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
OA.
OA kaun?
Oye, thoda tameez so poochoge?

© Sunil Rajguru

Knock Knock Jokes In Hindi Part 1

8 suggestions for the ICC…

I’m no expert, but as a humble cricket fan, here are my 8 suggestions to the International Cricket Council regarding changes I would like to see in international cricket:

1. Overhaul the entire umpiring system: A few hundred million people know whether the batsman is out or not. And the batsman, bowler and umpire don’t know it. That has desperately got to change. The third umpire brought some confusion and referrals didn’t help matters. How many referrals should be there? Three? Logically shouldn’t every decision be referable? So, why not re-engineer the whole concept of the field umpire and TV umpire? In short, the Third Umpire becomes the First Umpire.

Before you totally dismiss this offhand, here’s my proposal on how it should be done:

Imagine a room with 4 big screens and one big screen assigned to each umpire. Each umpire would be assigned just one task and his job would be to pass on that decision instantaneously to the field umpire via earphone or a flashing hand panel.

No Ball Umpire: Would just see whether it is a no ball or not. If so, he would have to immediately beep to the field umpire.
Wide Ball Umpire: Would just see whether it is a wide ball or not. If so, he would have to immediately beep to the field umpire.
LBW Umpire: Would check if the ball has hit the bat or pad or both and calculate the hawk-eye trajectory and beep the umpire immediately if it’s an LBW. (This could take time and maybe could have a referral system initially)
Fielding Umpires: Would check the validity of catches, 4s & 6s and run outs.
Chief Umpire: Would monitor all the umpires and would be from the current Elite Panel.
Field Umpires: Would either take the instructions through earphone instantaneously or there would be a remote panel, which would flash for No balls, Wide balls, LBWs, etc.

Now the field umpires would be made free to concentrate on other things like:
1. Discipline: Most of the discipline has to be decided on the spot. This should be the field umpires chief responsibility as all other decisions have been outsourced.
2. Chucking: Who better than the field umpire knows whether a ball has been chucked or not? The field umpire should be empowered towards that effect. He can best tell if the elbow has been used to impart energy to the ball or not. If a team opposes the decision, then it would be reviewed by an elite panel of umpires, but off the field.

2. Bring forced declarations into Tests: Despite all the innovations in Tests, a draw rules most of the time. If the pitch is too batsman friendly, then the batting meanders on. If the pitch is too lethal, then the game is over in three days and still everyone feels cheated. One way to change this would be to bring a forced declaration in the first innings only. That is, the batting team would have to declare after 160 overs. This will ensure that the second team bats on the second day. And mainly, the “limited” (or nowadays the “T20”) element would come into Tests. Teams would be forced to plan and regulate their innings and the best part would be if the batting team lost just 4-5 wickets after 140 overs. You would have a fine legal T20 blast in the middle of a Test match. Howzzat to liven up things?

3. Regulate ad breaks: How irritating isn’t it when your team’s bowler takes a wicket and they immediately go in for an ad break. The same thing happens when your batsman hits the winning shot. Right now if there are 100 overs, there are 100+ ad breaks. 20 more if wickets fall between overs. All I’m proposing is that the ad breaks be brought down by just 10-15%.

The Ad Break Regulation Rule: Whenever an opposition wicket falls or a home player hits a 4 or a 6, the ad break gets cancelled, especially if it happens to be the last ball of the over. Moreover, ad breaks are cancelled for 3 minutes after the victory moment.

The ad revenue would go down by a fraction but viewing enjoyment would go up by leaps and bounds.

4. Restrict Tests & ODI WCs to 8 nations: Let’s face it: Test cricket belongs to 8 nations only. The others will never catch on. Bangladesh and Zimbabwe are the prime examples. And now with the advent of T20s, it seems even more remote. Stick to the Permanent 8 permanently. And in ODIs, stop tinkering with the format. The 2003 World Cup went on for ages and in the 2007 World Cup, India and Pakistan were kicked out after playing just 3 matches each. The best format was the 1992 World Cup where only 8 teams were called and everyone played everybody. That was exciting and that should be the permanent ODI WC format.

5. Promote T20 in 32 nations: T20 is where the future is and where more countries can come in and compete competitively. In the T20 WC, you can have 16 teams. The ICC can stop promoting Tests and ODIs ranked 9-32 and actively propagate T20s. Have T20 series, triangulars, tournaments… T20 is the only form where the whole world can catch on and the ICC should go all out for that.

6. Have a Test World Cup: You’ll need only 9 Test matches to pull this off in a period of 2 months. Only the top 4 teams should be called and the semi finals and finals should be a 3-match series each. The No. 1 & 2 ranked teams would be the host nations for the semis and the No.1 nation for the final. That would ensure a sell-out crowd for the semis and even if the No. 1 team doesn’t reach the finals. The television ratings would still be high and it would be a commercial success.

7. Ban ODI triangulars and have T20 ones instead: One of the biggest failures has been the triangular ODI where usually a third weak team is called and the finals become a foregone conclusion. Why not have triangular T20 tournaments in every tour. In fact, a tour could be standardized. Say first have a T20 triangular followed by a 3-match ODI series followed by a 4-match Test series.

8. Set up an ex-Players Super Committee: Right now great cricketers are spread out in various roles in a disjointed way. Others criticize it from the outside. The best way to counter that would be the consolidation of great ex-payers. The Top 8 Test playing nations should nominate 2 players and set up a Super Committee of 16. While the current ICC management would remain the same, this committee would guide policy and handle tricky and controversial issues.

Parting Shot: I personally would want ODIs to be abolished and First Class games to be lessened.

The future belongs to Tests and T20s.

© Sunil Rajguru