Overheard 1…

First official: Who’s next?
Second official: Some professor of Anna University in Chennai called Abdul on his way to New York.
First official: OK, check him thoroughly.

***

First voice: Main kal ek reality show pe ja raha hu, thoda kadki hain bhai!
Second voice: To ja na, aish kar.
First voice: Nahin yaar, programme main sach bolna padta hain. Ho sakta hain ki tumhare khilaaf kuch bol du.
Second voice: Jo bolna hain bol, itne saalo ke baad kya pharak padta hain? Waise bhi maine newspapers aur news channels wagere dekhna padna kab ka chod diya hain.
First voice: Cool

After a few days…
First voice: Yaar maine bola ki mujhe lagta tha ki tu meri aur madad kar sakta tha.
Second voice: Yaar maine poori koshish ki tumhe mere saath rakhne ki, shayad aur koshish karni thi.
First voice: Chal chod, kal pakka mil rahe hain na?
Second voice: Ha yaar, see you then.

After a few more days…
Sachin-Kambli friendship on the rocks!
Kambli blasts Sachin in reality show!!
Ye dosti… toot gayi!!!
How will Sachin react when he finally comes to know of the great betrayal???
………………………

***

Day 1
Guilty?
Nahin! No!
….
Day 12
Guilty?
Nahin!
….
Day 73
Guilty?
Nahin!
….
Day 143
Guilty?
Nahin!

Day 229
Guilty?
Nahin!
Day 230
Guilty?
Ha bhai hain! Main guilty hu! Kya karloge? Bahut ho gaya! Bas ye sawal band karo.

***

International concall
First head of state: Yes!
Second head of state: No!
First head of state: Yes!
Second head of state: No!
First head of state: Yes!
Second head of state: No!
First head of state: Yes!
Second head of state: No!
First head of state: Yes!
Second head of state: No!
First head of state: Yes!
Second head of state: No!
Senior official: Enough children! (Addressing the first) You’ll get your nuclear reactors (Addressing the second) You’ll get your millions.
First head of state: But I’m in a weak coalition government, anything could happen.
Senior official: I read the papers you know, I know you’ve a virtual 5-year-fixed term.
Second head of state: But I’m facing a coup.
Senior official: If you don’t comply, then we’ll organize one.
Interpreter: Kuch to Sharm karo
Senior official: Ah yes! Sharm el-Sheikh…
Interpreter: …is also called the The City of Peace Madam!
Senior official: Then it’s settled!
First head of state: Yes Madam!
Second head of state: Yes Madam!
Interpreter: Yes Madam!

***

© Sunil Rajguru

Why Kalam’s frisking concerns us all…

It could be you or me at a security check tomorrow. If this is how an ex-President is treated, what of us mere mortals? That’s how it concerns me apart from the fact that a fine human being was harassed. America might be arrogant and inconsiderate at many security checks, but at least they stand up for every American in every part of the world, unlike us, who couldn’t be bothered. Whether Kalam protested or not is irrelevant.

What if they tried it with ex-President Bill Clinton in India? His team would have probably pushed the officials aside and Bill would have stormed ahead. Get real. Is Kalam a suspected terrorist or smuggler? What a ludicrous idea!!! Then what were they checking for when they asked him to remove his shoes???

What is a check for? To prevent arms from going on board or to prevent smuggled goods going on a plane or to prevent a crime. Remember some years back Azim Premji was also subjected to a through check in the US. And he’s a billionaire and head of a top company.

I think the thorough check on Abdul Kalam is a slander on the entire nation…

6 Indian usages of English I can’t understand…

When my father was posted in Deolali Camp, an officer told me, “There’s the right way, there’s the wrong way… then there’s the Army way!” Likewise, when it comes to English usage, “There’s the British way, there’s the American way… then there’s the Indian way!”

Here are 6 usages of English that are unique to India…

Lifer for life sentence: A life sentence is shortened to life. A person serving a life sentence is called a lifer. It’s as simple as that. Once when I was on a night shift in the Hindustan Times newspaper, the PTI news agency copy was headlined “Man gets lifer” instead of “Man gets life”. When I pointed out the mistake to my shift head, I was curtly told, “Who knows more, you or PTI?” So the mistake went in the front page. Slowly all the papers started carrying it and today it’s an honourable Indianism.
Note: No army can withstand the strength of a mistake whose time has come

Kindly do the needful: What does that mean? How exactly “needful”? Needful for whom? What if: What is actually needed is that your request be ignored. (What if: What is exactly needed is that you need a kick in the pants for making such a stupid request in the first place?). “Needful supplies”, “needful money”, …are hardly used, you just “do” the needful in India.

Sunil “at the rate of” email.com: The @ symbol has two meanings. The first is “at the rate of”, which is used in accounting in the form of “10 apples @ Rs 10 = Rs 100”. The second is simply “at”. sunil@email.com means sunil “at” email.com. Yet, people still continue to use “at the rate of” in their email IDs. Think over it, you sound like a commodity with a price on your head.

Shoppee: In the olden days it was called shoppe, but pronounced as shop, so it understandably got shortened to shop. I think Indians think it was pronounced as shop-eeee, so shoppekeepers write it as Shoppee.

German Shepherd and Alsatian are different: A German Shepherd is a type of dog. During World War I, it was renamed Alsatian Wolf Dog in England due to anti-German sentiment. In time, “Wolf Dog” was dropped and the usage spread to the Commonwealth (of which we are a part). So they are basically synonyms (something like the British versus American usage). However in India, I’m told by dog owners, “No this is not a German Shepherd, but an Alsatian.” (Or the other way round) In various versions, one is supposed to be blacker than the other or larger than the other or…

Two into two is four: How many times does two go into two? Once, right? Then how in heaven’s name is “two into two four”?

Then there’s the good ole good name (got from shubh naam) and creations like airdash and prepone. In my school, to bunk a class was to “dishu” it, whatever that meant. “I dishued class today” “Why did you dishu?” Nobody knows how that originated. Even the teachers used it! Another teacher used to ask us to open the windows to let the climate in. The same guy called the physics department his residence. So I guess every school, college and neighbourhood in India must have dozens of such gems tucked away.

Which brings me to the “The Indian English Snowflake Rule”…

Just as no two snowflakes are alike, no two Indians have the same English.

© Sunil Rajguru

How to play the Indo-Pak endgame…

Players: India, Pakistan

Non-playing captain: America

Step 1: Pakistan militants attack civilian target in India.

Step 2: India points a finger at Pakistan.

Step 3: Pakistan absolutely denies the attack.

Step 4: America threatens Pakistan.

Step 5: Pakistan starts to make the right noises.

Step 6: India smiles.

Step 7: Pakistan backtracks. India frowns.

Step 8: America armtwists Pakistan.

Step 9: Pakistan accepts blame.

Step 10: India celebrates. America pats its own back.

Step 11: America gives millions and millions and millions of dollars of aid to Pakistan as a reward.

Step 12: PLEASE GO BACK to Step No. 1… Thank You!

Also known as “The Circle of Life” in the subcontinent.

© Sunil Rajguru

How to play cricket with a hockey stick and some old socks

sticks-310488_1280Take a few old socks. Roll the first one into a ball. Take another and wrap it onto it carefully so that the shape is maintained. When it reaches the correct size, stitch the final socks neatly so that you are left with a very strong and sturdy ball…

But I am getting a bit ahead of myself. Why would you want to convert old socks into a ball anyway? Necessity, they say, is the mother of invention. There was no shortage of necessities and no shortage of inventions at Sainik School Satara, for the hundreds of boys away from home. One was the necessity to play cricket. Footballs, football grounds and football sessions were abundant. After football, basketball and hockey ruled. Swimming and horse riding were regular affairs too. The only problem was cricket. There were simply not enough balls, not enough bats and definitely not enough sessions in our packed hostel routine.

But we wanted to play cricket. So one genius had a brainwave. What was the one thing that every hosteller had? A hockey stick! What was there no shortage of? Old socks! And what could we find in every study room? Chairs. So the game of hockret (hockey+cricket) was invented (most people pronounced it as hockrate, but I think I’ll stick to hockret). (I think the game could also be called sockret. In that case, the inventor would be Sockretis)

The game is played thus: The back of a chair serves as a wicket. The freely available hockey stick replaces the rare cricket bat. And our good old hockret ball (as mentioned in the introduction to this article) replaces the cricket ball. All the other rules are more or less the same. Now there are many advantages of the hockret ball. What happens when it hits a window? Voila! It magically bounces off! What happens when it hits someone? It pains for maybe not more than 30 seconds. What happens when the ball gets lost? No need to buy a new one. You just pool in your stock of old socks and sit together and stitch up a new one. Luckily, enough of us could handle a needle and a thread to make sure that hockret balls were never in short supply. They were better, cheaper and safer than even tennis balls. So we could set up a game of hockret anywhere: On the road, in a small alley, in a ground or even on the boxing ring.

Hockret also came with its own set of innovations. One of them was to counter the contentious LBW rule. Nobody ever wanted to be an umpire and if anyone ever became one, he was just short of having his head knocked off by a dissenting hockeystickman. What were we to do? Even TV replays and Hawkeye together have eluded consensus among commentators, so what hope was there for us always fighting mere boys? Someone came out with the bright idea of the Rule of Three. “Let the ball hit the leg two times and all is forgiven. The third time it will be out.” It doesn’t matter if the ball would have hit the stumps or not. Three chances is all a batsman got. Not only was this proposal accepted, it was a roaring success. It also gave you the freedom to kick the ball out of harm’s way if the hockret ball was heading towards the stumps.

Hockret allowed you the freedom to chuck. That way, it was more like baseball, since the hockey stick is also pretty thin, like a baseball bat. It let someone like me, who was a failure at playing the “propah” game of cricket, a chance to finally get a few wickets and hit a few boundaries. I still can feel  the grip of a hockey stick and the pleasure of clobbering a soft ball.

Over time, we found that NCC stockings also led to tougher and heavier balls and the dynamics were also different. (Just like Kookaburra versus Dukes balls!) If the ball fell in water, it became all the more unpredictable. Not only was it heavier, it would hit really hard if it came on to you and splash water all around. So hockret’s only disadvantage was that we couldn’t play it when it rained. Mud made it totally unplayable and that’s something that couldn’t be simply wiped off like a leather ball. Football still ruled the monsoon season.

What really made things addictive, was indoor hockret. We had dormitories with 13 beds on each side, so they had pretty long corridors. People started playing in the dorms and that could be done at any time of the day and night (Of course one had to be evading authorities all the time). At times they lasted all day. I think one batsman even claimed to have made a thousand runs in a day! Brian Lara, eat your heart out. Some of us would even play this during our study holidays before the exams. I think it did lead to some of us getting fewer marks than we ought to have.

The hockret we played showed no resemblance to Test cricket or even the one-day variety. The bowler would try to get a wicket with every ball or at least stop the ball from being clobbered. The batsman would try to hit every ball for a 4 of a 6. In fact I think the current T20 is the game closest to our good ole hockret. That’s T20 cricket + baseball + hockey. No wonder it was so irresistible!

I wonder if they still play hockret at our old school or has it become extinct by now.

© Sunil Rajguru

Sainik School Satara Houses and Mess

Trying to be a bad writer and failing at that too…

Every year the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest invites writers “to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels”. This year I decided to give it a shot. How bad could writing bad writing be after all? The intro to the “worst” novel has to be a sentence between 50-60 words in it. I was taught in my journalism college that the perfect newspaper sentence was between 14 and 18 words. So clearly my education wasn’t enough to cope with such a task.

I would have to invoke the spirit of Charles Dickens, that master of the long sentences. But his sentences were beautiful and something clearly from the mind of a genius. Mine would have to be ugly. I also remember one sentence in A Hundred Years of Solitude that lasted a few pages! But even that was more of a literary roller coaster pleasure ride.

Finally, in my own moment of inspiration, I wrote four really bad intros at one sitting. I emailed them and waited for the results. I didn’t win anything, not even a special mention. In the end, I guess they were simply not bad enough. Guess I’ll have to simply try again next year and see if I can sing Michael Jackson’s “I’m bad, I’m bad…” with some sort of conviction.

I am reproducing below my Not-so-prize-Winning Entries:

1.
He was born in Hiroshoma, only to die during the N-blast, re-incarnated as a cockroach to be crushed, reincarnated again as a car which crashed in the test drive, in the end it would destroy itself the moment it was created, releasing energy which was measured by scientists in the long run to measure impending doom.

2.
When he visited Obama he found it ironic as he observed the great man’s black shadow fall on a white napkin, which happened to be on a black tablecloth on a white floor in a black room (as the electricity just failed) in the White House in a grim black world, with white sunshine.

3.
The quark flew out of the proton, destroying the atom, unsettling the molecule, upsetting the chemical structure of the cell of the bacteria nested in his stomach lining and he burped loudly even though his stomach was dry and empty and an unheard of scientific phenomena just passed by, like a million others.

4.
She heard the song Mamma Mia and so watched the movie and thought of her Mamma who she visited and who just died a second before she arrived wishing she had picked up the ABBA cassette a little earlier so she could have got a last glimpse of her alive Mamma.

(For more information about the contest, check the Wikipedia Entry)

© Sunil Rajguru